It's Time To Retire Dr. Fish

A dumb premise. A poorly thought out character. An unpopular segment. These are the voyages of the Starship Dr. Fish. We at EADJ think it's about time we put this awful, unfunny, one-joke bit to death. It's a dumb segment- and coming from a blog that has featured a chimp servant, plastic hillbilly teeth, a how-to segment by a limo driver who is not Vince's uncle, racist appliances, a Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, and an Ugly Andrew Gall- that's saying a lot.

Yes, it's time to join the Curlz MT, Tianna, and the Suzemily Players segments in the EADJ Retirement Home.


Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Do you mean to tell us that we've been throwing segments to the wayside left and right and haven't thought to dump your sorry ass? No, wait. You have to be an official, established EADJ segment to be retired. Instead of being the pathetic, annoying, uninvited, insipid, infuriating piece-of-dog-turd intrusion that you are. Sometimes I wish I could build a theme park by the side of the Grand Canyon and advertise it as "The Only Theme Park Next To The Grand Canyon!" so you would be interested and pay a ticket to ride the roller coaster, and just when you start going down the highest hill, I could have my theme park workers redirect the track into the gaping, cavernous maw of the Grand Canyon for you and the roller coaster car to fall into, never to be heard from again.


Don't worry. We'd find a way to get you on that thing.

Let Dr. Fish Ask YOU Something

Since previous segments with "Ask Dr. Fish" were so unsuccessful- mainly because Dr. Fish isn't really a doctor, and secondly, he is just a fish– we have turned the tables and let Dr. Fish ask other people any health-related questions.



Dear Hopeless in Havernathy,

You have cysts both behind your knee and within your thyroid gland. What sort of treatments are you undergoing to remedy those problems?

Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

I don't know who you are or how you know this information about me, but it is none of your goddamned business.

Hopeless in Havernathy

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Dear Evaline,

Please don't be discouraged about your dry cough and how it's interfering with your studies. Most illnesses related to coughs are self-limited and will cease in 7-10 days with increased humidification and fluid intake, rest, and symptomatic "home remedies." Antibiotics are usually not required. Have you taken the proper precautions to monitor your cough? Could it be the result of when you had viral laryngitis in 2008?

Sincerely,
Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET MY MEDICAL HISTORY?!!!!

Evaline

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Dear Thomas English Guffin,

I understand you're 68 and in good health. But for the past year or so, your fingertips have been wrinkling and splitting into small painful cuts--especially your thumb and forefinger. They heal slowly, then reappear. Could that be the result of capillaries collapsing?

Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

[RETURNED MAIL. THERE IS NO ONE AT ADDRESS 'thomasenglishguffin@speed.net' NO OTHER INFORMATION IS GIVEN]

Ask Dr. Fish

Dear Dr. Fish,

Sometimes when I am doing yoga (especially coming out of the plow pose), my body suddenly passes air out of my vagina making a fart-like sound. It’s embarrassing when in a room full of other people! I tried keeping my pelvic muscles tight (because this has happened before, though luckily it was in my living room) when lowering my legs down in an attempt to stop this from happening, but no luck. Do you have any suggestions, is something wrong with my insides, and does this happen to other people?

Thank you for your help!
Sue Pine in Scoville

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Dear Sue,

Uh, I'm not sure how to answer this question. First of all, I am a fish, so that means I know nothing about yoga. And secondly, this question isn't exactly medical related, which is good, because I'm not really a licensed physician, so I wouldn't have been able to answer any question of that nature, either.

Hope this helped!
Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

I suffer from recurring vaginal yeast infections. My doctor gave me an oral antiyeast medicine for it and a cream to apply. In addition, he gave me something to stop the itching. It seemed worse after the treatment, so the doctor gave me five more days of the oral medicine. What would you suggest if it comes back again? Could it be something I am eating or taking?

Thanks in advance,
N.F. in Scoville

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Dear N.F. in Scoville,

I would definitely bring it up with your current doctor, mainly because I am not a real doctor. I am actually just a fish in a doctor's outfit. And by the way, if I had a vagina and it itched that much, I would follow those prescriptions to a motherfucking T.

Cheers,
Dr. Fish

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Yo, Dr. Fish,

Did you know "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard?" A scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword, wink wink. But the sword need not be a penis; our vaginas were sheaths of power and worth celebrating! Here's to vagina power!

Margaret Cho (not the comedienne) in Scoville

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Dear Margaret,

What the fuck is going on here, people?! Why are all these questions about vaginas?! And that last one wasn't even a question. Is this some juvenile crack at how vaginas smell like fish or something, because I do NOT appreciate it. I am here to answer legitimate questions about medical problems, although I am not a medical doctor and am in fact just a humble fish. Also, what the sam shit is up with all of you coming from Scoville? Where is that?

Jesus Christ.
Dr. Fish

Ask Dr. Fish

Dear Dr. Fish,


Do women ever like anal sex, or is it just painful for them?


Emily Wants To Cum

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Dear Emily,


Jesus. I don't know what to say about this. For one, this is a medical advice column, not a sex advice column, and secondly, even if that question were medically related, I wouldn't be qualified to answer, because although my name is Dr. Fish, I am not really a medical practitioner. I'm a fish, you see. It's complicated, really. Good luck with the ass play or whatever.


Dr. Fish


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Dear Dr. Fish,


How is sex different with an uncircumcised penis?


Taniqua from Des Moines


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Dear Taniqua,


Okaaaay. Again, I have to stress that this is not a sex advice column. I wouldn't know anything about sex advice, primarily because I'm a fish. You see, fish mainly reproduce through the males discharging milt (sperm) onto eggs that the female fish have expelled into the water. So there isn't any copulating going on between the male and the female. No sex. So I'm afraid I don't know the difference between a penis that was circumcised and one that was not.

Hope that helps, Taniqua.


Dr. Fish


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Dear Fish,


My girlfriend is getting her clit pierced. Is there a danger of injuring her (or myself) during sex? Will I have to do anything differently to please her? Please advise!


Jakob


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Dear Jakob,


Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, I cannot wrap my fish head around what the fuck you're talking about. Your girlfriend is getting WHAT pierced? Her CLITORIS? Why the Shannen Doherty fuck would anyone do that to themselves?! I once got caught by a fisherman, and the hook went through the roof of my fucking mouth. And let me tell you, it was pure fucking agony for the next eight days after he threw me back for being too small. I don't know whether it's the memory of that or the fact your girlfriend is piercing her clit which is giving such a massive headache. Jesus. Fuck off, Jakob. You've ruined my day.


Dr. Fish

EADJ Presents "Ask Dr. Fish"

Dear Dr. Fish,

I have recently been on lots of airplanes (four times in as many months) and I have had severe headaches when were coming in to land. I feel a fizzing on my scalp and an unbearable pressure sensation in my head as if something is going to burst. It is almost unbearable. I do a lot of traveling with my job and it has put me off going on airplanes. Can you help?

Margie in Milwaukee


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Dear Margie in Milwaukee,

Thanks for your letter. Unfortunately, I know nothing about how to treat anything involving the ear, nose or throat. It's mainly because I am a fish. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Dr. Fish



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Dear Dr. Fish,

I have very dark circles under my eyes and someone recently told me that it may have something to do with my kidneys, as I've had kidney problems in the past. I'm worried that there may be an underlying problem. Is it true that they could be linked, and should I see a doctor to have any particular tests performed to rule out any kidney problems out? I don't suffer from any sleep deprivation at all, so it's not through lack of sleep, but it's so bad now that people think that I have constant black eyes!

Raccooned


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Dear Raccooned,

Jesus. That sucks. I'm sorry to hear about the dark circles around your eyes. I've never heard of that. Mainly because I am a fish and have no medical training whatsoever. So that means I know absolutely nothing about kidney problems or anything remotely renal-related. It's because I am a FISH. Kidney problems can affect the color around your eyes? Really? Wow, that's news to me. Huh. Hope that was of some help to you. Good luck.

Dr. Fish


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Dear Dr. Fish,

Last week when you answered my question about the high urea reading in my blood, I took your advice and "didn't worry about it" until last Sunday, when I was rushed to the hospital because one of my kidneys was failing. I've been experiencing a lot of pain since your misdiagnosis, and I just wanted to say FUCK YOU for wasting my time and forcing me to undergo this excruciating agony. FUCK YOU, DR. FISH.

Angry Gladys


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Dear Gladys,

No, FUCK YOU for listening to me. I have always made it clear that I am not a medical professional– that first and foremost I AM A FUCKING FISH. I don't even know why I have an advice column named "Ask Dr. Fish." It all was a goof when I put on the stethoscope and started calling myself a doctor. This is a misunderstanding that has seriously spiraled out of control. My buddy Georgie told me that this would all come back to bite me, and I gotta say, Georgie was right. I'm a fish and I don't need this shit. FUCK YOU GLADYS and your fucking failing kidney. FUCK YOU.

Dr. Fish