Kreppuspilið x Three!

 

 It's been exactly 3 years and 28 days since they played it last, so it's time once again to play Kreppuspilið!

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarborough cleaned off the coffee table, hid their shoes, and cracked open the ol' board game Kreppuspilið, and since Joel was once again the victor, he got to roll first. Here is a brief run-down of the game (which is still in progress):


• Joel had built up four huts and a tent, but it still wasn't enough for the onslaught of prostitutes (usually requiring five huts) in the "speed round." Joel lost 40 points to this miscalculation.

• Joel's chimp servant shat in a bottle of hand sanitizer, thus crowning his piece into a Duke. He now gets to move his piece diagonally and can even jaywalk without getting a ticket.

• After drawing a "sawmill" card, Joel has to move to Jerome, Arizona and actually build a working sawmill facility where logs are cut into boards. But since most local sawmills there already cut 18" X 3/4" boards, Joel must retool his equipment to cut the less standard 18" X 1/2" board. How he fares on this task will affect how many bonus points he earns this round.

 

• Joel's chimp servant must take a grapefruit and slice it in as many pieces as necessary to make it look like a human vagina. How closely the grapefruit will resemble the vagina of former "Today Show" host Ann Curry will not affect his final score. Not really sure why we mentioned Ann Curry at all there.

• The director of the movie "Dust Belt" is asked to speak to Joel and his chimp servant about the proper etiquette when losing a turn. Like the honor code that the protagonist in the movie "Dust Belt" lived by, one is never supposed to reveal disappointment in defeat. Instead, they are to laugh heartily and pee a little in their shorts.

 

 • After round 199, Joel and his chimp servant switch places, so that Joel now does all the dusting and cooking around the apartment, and his chimp servant now writes terrible screenplays about pilgrims or scarecrows or whatever the hell characters he's writing about now.

• A box full of unbleached malt appears at the front door. Whatever its connection to the progress of the game remains a mystery, although the shipping manifest says it was ordered FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

More updates in the coming months as this rousing game of “Kreppuspilið” develops.

EADJ Demerits

As the first semester enters its second month, we at EADJ would like to remind everyone that we've adopted the demerit system on this blog. And unfortunately, we have a lot of demerits to give out.

• 1 demerit to those Aamco or Maaco or whatever the fuck commercials where those people make irritating car noises with their mouths.

• 1 demerit to Josh Brolin for not starring in anything awesome in the past 3 months.

• 2 demerits to Gisele Bundchen for opening her stupid fucking mouth again.

• 1 demerit to the word "defibrillator" for being so hard to spell or pronounce.

• 3 demerits to Paul Shaffer for still doing that "pointing" move.


• 5 demerits to Green Giant Steamers for reminding me of poop with your name.

• 2 demerits to Carson Daly for his hosting duties on "The Voice" and reminding us that he has no musical talent or charisma.

• 3 demerits to Asplundh. You know what you did.

• 8 demerits to guys who leave gum in urinals

• 2 demerits to Joel for having filmed ONLY ONE CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK TRICK.

• 4 demerits to Four Square for not making me Mayor of Jiffy Lube #425 in Newark.

• 848 demerits to Bobby Brown.

• 3 demerits to Maybelline (no reason given)

• 2 demerits to that recent Tron movie for not being better.

• 7 demerits to my bladder for making me tinkle when I farted just then.

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #1

As he promised, Joel stopped consuming penis to come through with a very passable Mindfreak trick after opening the Criss Angel package we had sent to him last month. Luckily for him, this was a trick he somehow already knew how to perform. We are not going to ask any questions.



Execution: 6.5

Presentation: 7

Criss Angel Factor: 8

Secret Behind The Trick: Flesh-colored plastic thumb cover?


Extra thanks to Joel's girl Jamee for documenting Joel's illusion.

Another Joel Angel Update

In case any of you were wondering where Joel's video of doing Criss Angel magic tricks is, Joel has assured us that he's working on it.

It turns out that Joel has recently come into possession of a full carwash with his wife. So they have been busy on the up-keep, maintenance and general operation of the carwash. Those of you who watch the excellent show "Breaking Bad" might suspect that Joel is secretly selling meth.

As a token of good faith, Joel has sent us this magic trick "teaser:"



I do believe Joel might have gotten run over by a car after filming this.

The Joel Angel Project Update

Just over a full month ago, we sent Joel a package of Criss Angel Mindfreak magic tricks for him to learn and perform on video for us. The other day we IM'd Joel to check on whether he's ready to show something or whether he's too busy scarfing down cock to perform a Criss Angel trick (which, when you think about it, are probably the same thing).


Here's proof that we mailed the package to Joel on 11/21/11:

Coming Soon: The Joel Angel Project

I was farting around my local Walgreens (yes, the same one where I found that excellent manager's photo), when I happened upon the "As Seen On TV" section of the store: Snuggies, Sobakawa pillows, and Slap Chops were all available for sale for the holidays.



All of it looking pretty standard and familiar, until I caught sight of a box full of douchey AWESOME:


Criss Angel's Mindfreak Platinum Magic Kit. YES, PLEASE. But I didn't buy this for myself. I intend to mail this to our eponymous friend Joel and give him two weeks to learn and perform one of these Mindfreak tricks on video. I asked Joel, and he's totally down with the idea.






I'm mailing Joel this stupid box next week. Here's hoping he freaks our mind whilst eating our dicks.

An IM Convo, Submitted By JOEL HIMSELF

Click to enlarge


It turns out it was a real woman contacting Joel. Her name was Rita Bega, the disgraced sister of Lou Bega of "Mambo Number 5" fame.

A Short List of Things Joel Hates

Since we haven't heard from the eponymous Joel in a while, here's a recent list he submitted of things he hates:


Joel also hates:

• Not eating dick
• Eating dick and it's over already
• Thinking you ate dick but turns out you didn't
• Never having enough dick sauce handy
• Asking for dick sauce and the waiter gives you duck sauce
• Eating duck without dick
• Eating dick and there's duck all up in it for some reason
• The blog Eat A Duck Joel
• Knowing there's so much uneaten dick out there
• The phrase "chunk o' change." So lame, people!
• Anti-dick
• People who drive Jaguars and think they're all that
• Waiters who are chintzy with the dick