T-Mobile Girl's New Image

Those of you who forgot to fast forward through commercials might have noticed that the bubbly, fresh-faced spokesgirl for T-Mobile has a new, overhauled, badass motorcyclist image.

 

EADJ has spoken to T-Mobile insiders about her image shift and got the following info about it:

• She just broke up with her longtime European model boyfriend Diego and reportedly wants to "rub the coochie on some strange."

• Although she's been trying her darnedest, she cannot be a bigger bitch than Danica Patrick.

• She got a tattoo that reads "Slide to unlock" along her belly.

• Due to the all-leather outfit, whenever she tries to sneak into a theatre for a free movie, she gets caught by the ticket taker.

• She now tags shit.

• She has taken self-defense classes and will elbow the fuck out of your eye socket if you resist trying the new HTC® Amaze™ 4G smartphone with an 8 Megapixel Camera and Microsoft^® Exchange integration!

• Her farts now exit out her pleather neckhole.

• Decades from now, people will discover she was a Prototype Series 1000 "liquid metal" Terminator sent by Skynet from the future to terminate John Connor's younger self. She did not succeed.

• Unwanted advances from skeezy old biker dudes have quintupled.

Some Ponderings On That Picture

Since discovering that random photo of that sullen dude in Walgreen's last week, we here at EADJ have agonized over how it got there and its meaning in the universe. We broke into discussion groups, did some serious soul searching, and came up with a few ideas of why the hell that thing ended up there. Here are a few theories from some of America's top scientists:

"I think he's mad somebody threw water at him."
-Liam McCarthy, eight-grader named "America's Top Young Scientist" in the 2010 National Young Scientist Challenge

"In most likelihood, he is a young man who works at Walgreen's who has been promoted by default to a position of management because of a vacancy. The young man's expression reveals his reluctance to take on the tremendous new responsibility of telling someone to open another register when the check-out line gets long. The absence of a name plate near the photo further reinforces my theory of his reluctance."
-Pamela Matson, dean of Stanford University's School of Earth Sciences

"To me, it looks like this is the photo of some guy who bounced too many checks at that Walgreen's, so they posted his photo in a prominent (however random) place to warn others not to do the same. Just look at how profusely he's perspiring."
-Yakir Aharonov, quantum physicist and recipient of the National Medal of Science

"This photo is actually a 'before' promo shot for a store display selling a posture corrective brace. It was misplaced in the store, and an employee mistakenly framed it."
-Venkatraman Ramakrishnan, structural biologist and Nobel laureate