Another Lemon Party With Old Men

Pictured above, not to be outdone by Arnold Palmer's ubiquitous Arnold Palmers, Jack Nicklaus releases "Golden Bear Lemonade," which to me sounds like the other thing a bear does in the woods.

And with mango?! They're stretching the brand connection pretty far there. Wikipedia says Nicklaus does live in North Palm Beach, so I guess that's where it's supposed to come from.

And do we need a tit joke in the window display? I know, male audience, etc., but shit, Arnold. Show some class, you old putting coot.

The Confusing, Terrifying and Tragic World of Ghetto Cereal

All kids love cereal, but because of the bad economy due to a Socialist Muslim President and not because thousands of corporations are outsourcing jobs to cheaper labor overseas, their parents cannot always afford to grab the name brand stuff. Here now is a quick rundown of the versions of your favorites that supermarkets have served up for cheap:

Crisp Crunch

Food Lion decided to demote the Cap'n and turn him into a dinosaur/lizard thing with striped arms, a Harry Potter scar on his nose, a wifebeater and a trendy trucker hat with the supermarket's initials on it. "Crisp" certainly looks less crazy than the Cap'n but looks like he's more comfortable washing dishes or snaking your toilet. Plus he votes Republican.

Alt: "Crisp" is also a hairy turtle who sits in a disco hot tub full of cereal and eats it.

Alt 2: Krunch Heads kept the nautical theme, but their mascot is a seal/hippo thing that never got promoted. Probably because he's too dumb to realize that he's trying to ladle cereal with a tiny spoon.

Fruit Rings

A fruity multicolored toucan has been morphed into a multicolored dragon. "Follow your fire-breathing snout!" doesn't have the same ring to it. Fruit Rings is a pretty lame name, wouldn't you say, Food Lion?

Alt: Toons Fruit Rings uses a hobo clown juggling cereal. Yeah, I want a vagabond train rider touching my breakfast with their bare hands. Thanks.

Alt. 2: Fruity Hoops. Temmy (Temmy?!) opts for another reptilian alternate, an alligator who simply can't wait for the milk to finish pouring before diving in. Fucking chill, man!

Berrry Treets

The Cap'n gets another shore leave as he's replaced by a red bear/dinosaur creature who can't spell for shit.

Frosted Flakes

It's a good thing that "Frosted Flakes" isn't copyrighted, because that allows supermarkets to simply swap the tiger out for a lion and confuse customers into buying their version.

Magic Stars

Lucky the Leprechaun is swapped out for a fat genie in a bathrobe, who also has magical powers and has a piercing he'd like to show you when you have the time. No thanks, Star Man.

Apple Dapples

Once again, Food Lion throws a dragon in there from a lack of imagination. No, wait. Is that a green rhino? Putting the cereal on his valuable, much-poached front horn? Okay, that is adorable.

KOO-KIES!

Everybody knows that raccoons like sorting through garbage cans, looking for half eaten chicken bones or cantaloup rinds and not minding touching used maxi pads. This raccoon (who apparently really liked the Charlotte Hornets) gets his filthy, disgusting claws all over cereal in the shape of cookies. 

Cocoa Crunchies

Trading in Sonny, an apoplectic bird for a friendlier, huggable gorilla seems to have paid off, almost every box of Coca Crunchies has been lapped up. Good on ya, Food Lion!

Confruity Crisp

Jesus Lord. I know Food Lion wanted to stay prehistoric with a Fruity Pebbles knock-off, but this mutant velociraptor stirring the bowl makes me want to scream and stomp on it. And "Confruity?!" I'm really confruited by that name.

Honorable Mentions

"Am I Buzz Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios? No, but I get that a lot. Instead, I'm Brazzers Bee, and I like unloading white milk all over your honey balls. Hey, where are you going?"

Look. Somebody ran the comp.

Cow turds. That was a poor choice. Or are those giraffes? Giraffe turds.

Monkey turds. (Temmy?!)

Sweet Flakes confuses both Frosted Flakes customers and fans of Froot Loops. (Temmy?!)

A drunk frog dips his dick into your rice crisps, baby.

(Temmy?!)

Radio Business news

Lets do a quick look at some radio central news....

Geico, which has traditionally been radio’s biggest-volume advertiser each week, is back on top. Media Monitors reports that, after 18 consecutive weeks, The Home Depot slid to No. 4. Geico was No. 1 with 43,136 ads on radio last week, followed by Safelite AutoGlass and Wal-Mart.

Cox Media made a huge announcement that it would be selling off several radio and television properties, including its Birmingham and Greenville, SC clusters, which have high profile, well performing Urban outlets. Since then, there’s been a lot of talk among Urban broadcasters, asking, “Are there any African American broadcasters, or entrepreneurs, who could step up and buy these properties?” And if not, should we be concerned?

Cox Media made the announcement, that it will focus on larger markets and "cross-media collaboration,” meaning it’s selling off its radio and TV-only markets, including radio clusters in Birmingham, Greenville-Spartanburg SC, Hawaii, Louisville, Richmond and Southern Connecticut.

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

Signage Is Everything

Spotted at K-Mart this morning. I want Bud Light a lot more than Coors Light, for some reason.

Do You Like Movies? And Do You Enjoy Imposing Your Belief System On Completely Unrelated Things?

This insert was in a recent issue of Metro, a free New York newspaper, advertising "God On Film:"

"DISCOVER THE MEANING BEHIND THE BIGGEST MOVIES OF THE SUMMER!"

This week: "Prometheus." A group of scientists touch down on LV-223 to find the origin of humankind and instead find horrific xenomorphs who kill everyone on board but it's okay if they had accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior because they'll be going to Heaven regardless. Not considered a prequel to "Alien" but gimme a break because just look at it.

"The Amazing Spider-Man" Peter Parker is a lonely, isolated boy whose parents inexplicably left him and who feels personally responsible for the death of his Uncle Ben, but it's okay if Ben had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior because he'll be going to Heaven regardless. Meanwhile, family friend Dr. Curt Connors' attempts at regaining a lost limb results in him trying to turn all of the citizens of New York into lizards, which would be okay if everyone there had accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior because they'll be going to Heaven regardless.

"The Dark Knight Rises" We don't want to give away any "spoilers" about this highly anticipated blockbuster, but suffice to say that Bruce Wayne has nothing to fear if he has accepted Jesus Christ etc. etc. do you get the gist of this bit yet.

"Total Recall" In this unnecessary reboot, Colin Farrell plays Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kate Beckinsale plays Sharon Stone. They attempt to kill each other, which is a serious sin, but if they accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior before either getting killed or after having killed the other, they'll be going to Heaven regardless.

Coming This Fall: Which Beanie Babies are approved by John The Baptist and will go to Heaven?

Hey Bayer

Hey Bayer

You don't have to put a legal super on your ads that say "Scientist portrayed by an actor" if you've already cast an actor that is too rugged and good looking to be a scientist.

That guy looks ridiculous. He looks like a lumberjack who stole a lab coat from behind a Clinique make up counter. Hmm, maybe get that guy to tent his fingers while he's talking will make him seem more knowledgable...

Just for your reference for future Bayer ads, here is a photo of real life scientist Dr. Ahmed Chadli, biochemist in the MCG Center for Molecular Chaperones/Radiobiology and Cancer Virology at the Medical College of Georgia. Maybe you could cast him instead of Michael Bolton there.

Also, Bayer, thanks for creating heroin.

Further Infection

As reported before, more and more cases of the walking dead have been reported throughout the region. Just today in Millburn, NJ, a disturbing incident of juvenile zombie-ism was spotted.

Hide your daughters. Or if they're infected, behead them.

A Seriously Half-Assed Garage Sale

The lovely neighbors on our street in Jersey are some lazy motherfuckers. They refuse to turn off their car alarm- which goes off at all hours, and they never answer the door when you knock on it to complain about the noise.

So it's only natural that they hold the laziest garage sale known to the Western world– without putting a single piece of furniture or table out to show merchandise, they simple got someone to open the garage door, put up a tiny sign on the stairs (that doesn't even face passing cars) and hope for the best while checking their cell phone messages. Needless to say, people weren't beating the door down to scoop up these outrageous prices.

You'll notice how a week later, they upped their game and got a SECOND sign. Man, they are racking up the receipts now.

Stay tuned next week for the latest developments in whether anyone will notice and buy that heavy bag. My money's on 'no.'

*** Edit: I just compared the two photos again, and I realized that second sign was there the FIRST week. They simply got a TALLER STICK for it! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! ADVERTISING!

Today's Daily Sponsor Of The Day

Today's Daily Sponsor Of The Day is Turkey Perky Jerky.

Are you sick of regular jerky that leaves you blah, without any pick-me-ups or power-ups? Does you jerky just sit there and not give you a kick in the pants, like you deserve, you lazy dog? Well, stop looking, because now there's Perky Jerky! It'll perk you right the fuck up!™

Now, what makes Perky Jerky so perky? Does it contain caffeine, giving you that extra edge you need during your day? No. Then why did you call it Perky Jerky, then, asshole? Because it's a snappy name, cocksucker. But why didn't you leave that name for a jerky with caffeine to use, dipshit? Well, you shitbird, we as a company have a right to use that name, because we thought of it first.

Does Perky Jerky come in any other flavors besides turkey? Yes, but what fun would that be? We do happen to offer Beef Perky Jerky, but that is not fun to say at all.

Turkey Perky Jerky. A family company.™

An IM Convo

See the link for "Tom Selleck Hasn't Smiled Since "Mr. Baseball" in the Link-O-Rama to the right for context. →

And as promised, if you scroll below, you will see that we have bestowed the Dark Chocolate Mollusk Award to Tom at the bottom of the webpage for being the first EADJ acquaintance to randomly make it into the Link-O-Rama. Tom will be celebrating this victory with friends and family at the Long Island City Sizzler, located on Vernon Boulevard in Hunters Point.

T-Mobile Girl's New Image

Those of you who forgot to fast forward through commercials might have noticed that the bubbly, fresh-faced spokesgirl for T-Mobile has a new, overhauled, badass motorcyclist image.

 

EADJ has spoken to T-Mobile insiders about her image shift and got the following info about it:

• She just broke up with her longtime European model boyfriend Diego and reportedly wants to "rub the coochie on some strange."

• Although she's been trying her darnedest, she cannot be a bigger bitch than Danica Patrick.

• She got a tattoo that reads "Slide to unlock" along her belly.

• Due to the all-leather outfit, whenever she tries to sneak into a theatre for a free movie, she gets caught by the ticket taker.

• She now tags shit.

• She has taken self-defense classes and will elbow the fuck out of your eye socket if you resist trying the new HTC® Amaze™ 4G smartphone with an 8 Megapixel Camera and Microsoft^® Exchange integration!

• Her farts now exit out her pleather neckhole.

• Decades from now, people will discover she was a Prototype Series 1000 "liquid metal" Terminator sent by Skynet from the future to terminate John Connor's younger self. She did not succeed.

• Unwanted advances from skeezy old biker dudes have quintupled.

An Imagined Conversation

"Oh, Casey, it is sooo hot at this construction site!"

"I know, right, Kassy? We're just two hot, sweaty construction workers! Why don't you take off your shirt?"

"Mmmmm! Feels so good on my chest!"

"Yeahhh. Look how the sweat is just beading off your breasts. Mmmm. Now help me hang this dry wall over here."

"Sure. We can hang it, sexylike."

"(purrs) Get that side while I pick up this end!"

"'End!' I see what you did there, bad girl!"

"Yeah! No hold it there by that stud while I get this naughty, naughty nail gun to nail it good."

"You are soooo bad!'

"Aren't I? I just..."

(accidentally pulls nail gun trigger)

"AHHHHH! MY EYE!"

"Omigod! What happened?!"

"YOU JUST SHOT A NAIL INTO MY EYE, YOU BITCH!"

"Wait a minute. Why weren't you wearing eye protection?"

"FUCK YOU, BITCH! I CAN'T SEE! AAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! IT HURTS!"

"You know, eye protection is standard at all construction sites. There's no need to get snippy with me all of a sudden."

"SNIPPY MY EYE, YOU FUCK!!! MY GOD, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!! HELP ME!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wait, are you not wearing your work gloves either? Are you even union?"

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

An Imagined Conversation

McDonald's proofreader: "Wait, is this a Zoolander reference?!"

McDonald's copywriter: "Yeah, cool, huh?"

McDonald's proofreader:

I Gotta Stop Picking Up Random Magazines.

Spotted in the April issue of New York Resident Magazine (what?!), an ad for the PetzLife line of oral care products. It so many bad design decisions that I have to slow the car down just to watch.

(click to enlarge)


First off, slapping some clipart human grins onto a miserable looking dog and cat and making them the main visual in the ad would be enough for me to fire the designer.


But apparently, the client liked the visual so much, they slapped it on the QR code:


Then there's the burlap background, the hideous insets of stained pet teeth, the small, dull product shots, the 7 Oral Problems they just made up on the spot, the twenty typefaces they used, the sickly green hue on all the photography, and the microscopic 'how to use' section.


If that weren't enough, they fence off a section at the bottom for some anxiety-relieving drops. "Works great for thunderstorms and fireworks!" Which actually sounds like a good idea, since pets are terrified of those noises. But if you're going to force feed them some liquid to calm them down, why not just use cough syrup or booze?


A 4.5 oz. bottle of those drops goes for 24 bucks, by the way. Yeesh. A 1.75L of Smirnoff Vodka, however, goes for only $17. Just sayin.