I'm About To Write An Angry Letter...

...to Adobe Photoshop to ask why my skills haven't improved in five years.

Always A Plus

Whenever a retail store uses the word "beyond," "plus," "more" or "things" in their name, I can't help but be suspicious of their motives. I know that a place named "Lampshades Plus" wants you to know that they specialize in lampshades, but sell more than just that, but who's to say that "plus" doesn't mean black tar heroin? Here now we help decode what these ambiguous terms really mean.


"Beyond" = bullshit that will clutter your already crappy bathroom


"Plus" = underage prostitutes


"More" = unaired episodes of "Boy Meets World"


"Beyond" = fingerpuppets that somehow fit your penis


"Things" = AIDS


"Plus" = an old autographed 8x10 of Dick Cavett


"Things" = merchandise rejected by Bed Bath & Beyond for being too chintzy