Do You Like Movies? And Do You Enjoy Imposing Your Belief System On Completely Unrelated Things?

This insert was in a recent issue of Metro, a free New York newspaper, advertising "God On Film:"

"DISCOVER THE MEANING BEHIND THE BIGGEST MOVIES OF THE SUMMER!"

This week: "Prometheus." A group of scientists touch down on LV-223 to find the origin of humankind and instead find horrific xenomorphs who kill everyone on board but it's okay if they had accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior because they'll be going to Heaven regardless. Not considered a prequel to "Alien" but gimme a break because just look at it.

"The Amazing Spider-Man" Peter Parker is a lonely, isolated boy whose parents inexplicably left him and who feels personally responsible for the death of his Uncle Ben, but it's okay if Ben had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior because he'll be going to Heaven regardless. Meanwhile, family friend Dr. Curt Connors' attempts at regaining a lost limb results in him trying to turn all of the citizens of New York into lizards, which would be okay if everyone there had accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior because they'll be going to Heaven regardless.

"The Dark Knight Rises" We don't want to give away any "spoilers" about this highly anticipated blockbuster, but suffice to say that Bruce Wayne has nothing to fear if he has accepted Jesus Christ etc. etc. do you get the gist of this bit yet.

"Total Recall" In this unnecessary reboot, Colin Farrell plays Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kate Beckinsale plays Sharon Stone. They attempt to kill each other, which is a serious sin, but if they accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior before either getting killed or after having killed the other, they'll be going to Heaven regardless.

Coming This Fall: Which Beanie Babies are approved by John The Baptist and will go to Heaven?

The Director of "10 Vagina Victories HD" Speaks Out

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*** INTERPOL EMERGENCY ***

*** BEGIN TRANSMISSION***

***MON JAN 9 2012•17:05:02 GLOBAL TIME***

ATTENTION ALL AGENTS

THE FOLLOWING WOMAN HAS MISPLACED HER PASSPORT PHOTO IN MANHATTAN
THIS PHOTO IS CRUCIAL TO HER GOING BACK TO INDIA
THE PHOTO WAS LOCATED IN THE KIPS BAY MOVIE THEATRE ON JAN 2 2012:09:17:46 GLOBAL TIME
AS THE PHOTO WAS FOUND IN THE LOBBY, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHICH MOVIE SHE HAD COME TO SEE
WE HAVE NARROWED THE POSSIBLE MOVIES THAT SHE ATTENDED TO THE FOLLOWING:

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL (3D)
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (3D)
WE BOUGHT A ZOO
WAR HORSE
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS
NEW YEAR'S EVE
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
YOUNG ADULT
HUGO (3D)
THE DESCENDANTS

ACTUALLY, IN RETROSPECT, THE WOMAN PROBABLY DID NOT GO TO SEE NEW YEAR'S EVE. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT STEAMING TURD

WE MUST LOCATE THIS WOMAN AND RETURN THE PHOTO TO HER SO THAT SHE CAN VISIT HER HOMELAND OF INDIA

WE ARE NOT BEING RACIST IN ASSUMING THAT SHE IS INDIAN, AS SHE CLEARLY IS WEARING THE TRADITIONAL SARI AND VERMILION BINDI ON HER FOREHEAD

SURE, THAT COULD BE ANOTHER COUNTRY OTHER THAN INDIA BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT, REALLY

AND JUDGING FROM THE EXPRESSION ON HER PHOTO, THIS WOMAN IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT GOING BACK TO HER HOMELAND OF INDIA BUT MUST DO SO OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY TO HER SISTER KADHAPRIYA

BUT SERIOUSLY, NEW YEAR'S EVE.
WHO WOULD GO SEE THAT

Hollywood Is Getting Desperate.

Anyone who's seen the trailer for the upcoming "Battleship" movie can tell that Hollywood is seriously running out of ideas when they're greenlighting entire films based on board games. After mining every old TV series, comic book, toy, cereal, video game, and theme park ride for movie ideas, it comes as no surprise that movie studios have now turned to the next hot property for movie rights: the coffee flavors in my office's break room.


Here's a sampling of what's coming to theatres:


"Jet Fuel"
Climb aboard this comedic 3D romp as three dumb astronauts (Jim Carrey, Kevin James and Rob Schneider) blast off to become Saturn's first inhabitants. Also starring Michael Clarke Duncan as NASA's embarrassed administrator and Antonio Banderas and Michelle Rodriguez as the "Coffee People." Rated PG-13 for lewd humor, sexual situations and poop and fart jokes.


"Dark Magic"
Scott Caan, Christian Slater, Kevin Dillon, Taylor Lautner and Colin Farrell play a tough young street gang who meet a wise old magician (Anthony Hopkins) and learn the ways of black magic to beat all of their rival gangs. It's "The Lost Boys" meets "The Outsiders" meets "West Side Story" in this deep, dark, spellbinding adventure. Also starring Minka Kelly because she's pretty. Rated PG-13 for violence that's not gory but something you wouldn't want your kids to try on each other.


"Kenyan AA"
Djimon Hounsou portrays a troubled cab driver in Nairobi who tries to overcome his alcoholism, thanks to the big heart of a visiting businessman (Stellan Skarsgård) in this inspirational story of triumph and the human spirit "with a sparkling finish." Special appearance by President Barack Obama. Rated PG for language and some drug and cigarette use.


"Sumatran Reserve"
Martha (Patricia Clarkson), a biochemist, travels to the deep jungles of Southeast Asia to find a cure for lupus. Her scrappy, uncultured tour guide Jambi (Danny Pudi) proves to both try her patience and stimulate her loins... Rated R for ribald comedy and sexual situations involving a yak.


"Kenya Kilimandjaro," a.k.a. "Can Ya Kill A Man, Jaro?"
Jaro Muthermunn (Jason Statham), one of the world's deadliest big game hunters, returns from self-imposed exile after his mentor, Corsé (Sylvester Stallone) is captured at the base of Mount Kilimandjaro. Jaro reassembles his former team of skilled huntsmen to launch a rescue mission, and also to destroy the nearby drug farm, run by the evil Dark Roast (Terry Crews). Rated R for graphic violence and Jason Statham.

I Can't FATHOM Who Would Watch This Crap (Get It?)

If you've ever been in an AMC movie theatre, you've probably seen ads for "Fathom Events," which apparently involves watching live events (like operas, plays, and concerts) that are located elsewhere on your local movie screen. So, for example, instead of seeing "La Boheme" at the Met, you can watch that same opera at a "Fathom Event" in a shitty, cola-stained screen at the AMC Riverdale 27. Why anyone would prefer this method over watching anything live is beyond me. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and list a few:





• You can finally watch Violetta Valery in "La Traviata" without having to change out of your "Who Farted?" t-shirt.



• A Red Hot Chili Peppers concert is finally enjoyable without that Flea smell.



• You can heckle a presentation of Neil Simon's "The Good Doctor" without any repercussions.



• It's way easier to videotape a bootleg show of The Jonas Brothers live when you're in a theatre.



• Now you can sneak into "Merchant Of Venice" right after watching "Zookeeper."



• Actors' pores.



• Wait, Twizzlers AND an Emmylou Harris concert? Fucking PINCH ME!



• Your disapproving mother who's convinced you're trying to be all highfalutin with yer culturin' and carryin' on with The Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet will be convinced you're not watching the Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet.



• Even if all those vicious rumors about bedbugs infesting the seats of the Kennedy Theatre were false, you wouldn't have to worry about it.



• You haven't experienced a Yo Yo Ma concert until you can hear explosions from a Jason Statham movie bleeding in from next door.



• See? Sioux Falls, South Dakota is a hub of culture and the arts!



• When you text your stupid bullshit texts during any *live* concert, not enough people around you get annoyed.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello. I'm here."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm here to play the main stage at 9pm."
"Good one. I think you've got the wrong place, buddy."
"No, seriously, I'm the main act."
"You."
"Yes, me. I'm on the bill right there."
"No, sir. On the bill we have Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and George Jones playing a tribute to Waylon Jennings."
"Yes, and me."
"Sir, do you know where you are? You're at the Grand Ole Opry. Only country legends play here."
"Yes, I do play music from my country, too. But I'm mainly a classical guitarist. You can hear a lot of Spanish influence in my last CD, 'Romantico.'"
"Lissen, buddy. You're not playing shit anywhere here. Step aside. We're waiting for Willie Nelson to arrive."
"Like I said– I'm here!"