Nobody Better Lay A Finger On My Lobsterfest®

Editor's Note: EADJ has been posting the latest and greatest Lobsterfest® offerings for years now, and only fairly recently has it become mandatory for the writer of these entries to be inebriated.

So last Saturday, Andrew got drunk and wrote this latest entry. No typos have been corrected, although we have added a "®" to every mention of Lobsterfest®.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its relentless siege on the fools who resist attending its succulent suckfest. Here now are the latest developments in lobster-delivered-all-up-in-your-face technology:

• You bring a lobster into the shower. You shower on it, seeing just what disparate drips of water drip down beneath your nether regions. Whichever drips happen to hit the lobster, you must take bites of said lobster immediately. Taste the sensation! And that's just a Russian-roulette-esque way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Find a Tony Roma's ”A Place for Ribs" near your chosen residence or place of business. Eat ribs copiously, showing your teeth and letting your food pieces gleam with importance. Contemplate how this activity still does not compare in any way ro LOBSTERFEST®. From there, head to lobsterfest® and just eat your fucking face off.

• A man and a woman walk through a hybrid Target/Subway/Pier One Imported Goods parking lot. A group of dancing lobsters, which includes a woman who matriculated at Harvard, an ex-rockette, and someone who used to date Tim Teufel, appear and gather in a way that makes you appreciate how much you tip a belly dancer. Everyone's here! Hope you've enjoyed another way to enjoy LOBSTERFEST® AT RED LOBSTER.

• Redman and Method Man show up and debate amongst themselves just how many cheese muffins they can steal. U-God shows up. He stuffs his face and starts speaking in crumbs (spitting crumbs everywhere, hitting everyone in sight). While making the call without any regard, Martin Scorsese just goes up and says yes, then drives away in his fully-loaded Lexus. Hello! And goodnight, lobster fans. Stay here and stay for the tastings.

The Learning Annex Announces New Classes For Fall 2010

This year, like every year, The Learning Annex announces a new semester of obscure, useless classes taught by reluctant celebrities to people who have nothing better to do. Some of this year's courses:



"How To Fight For The Common Folk Whilst Still Sounding Like Zsa Zsa Gabor" with Ariana Huffington



"Tyrese Explains How His Character in 'Transformers' Was Different From Josh Duhamel's Character Other Than His Being Black" (with guest speaker Josh Duhamel)



"Creative Napkin Folding" with Macy Gray



"Bruce Willis Demonstrates 48 Different Ways To Smirk"



"Téa Leoni Explains To Her Fans Why They Find Her So Hot"



"Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, and Dick Cheney Talk To The Few People Left Who Think They Did Good"



"David Spade Shuts Up For a Goddamned Second"



"Perez Hilton Will Suck Your Dick For $50. No, Seriously. Make It $40."



"Cali Swag District's 14-Part Instructional Course: How To Dougie"



"Chelsea Handler On How To Be At Least Funnier Than Jimmy Fallon"



"Working With Contact Paper With Fabio"



"Matthew Lillard Shows You How To Make Macaroni Salad Instead of Starring In a Hit Movie"



"Hayden Christensen On The Art Of Acting LOL"



"Latoya Jackson Isn't Here To Teach, Actually- She's Here To Learn How To Napkin Fold With Macy Gray"



"Randy Quaid's 17 Steps To Going Batshit Crazy"



"Kenan Thompson Previews 478 New Unfunny SNL Characters"



"Christy Turlington Farts And It Smells Like Chanel No. 5"