Lobsterfest® Happens In The Most Unlikely Places

This entry has been written after 6, SIX glasses of red wine.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is what you want, when you want it, with what you want: primarily lobster meat and sometimes imitation crab meat mixed in because fuck it– how are you going to find out? Here now are some new service styles that we're preparing for you this week:

• John Abbett Thompson graduates from technical college with a degree in electrical engineering, which now helps him land a very good job with a contracting firm in southwest Arkansas and finally allow him to provide his wife and kids with the stability and income that they long for. Now that's a wacky-ass way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We roll lobster meat into "lobster turds." We load the turds onto a cribbage board and walk around the restaurant, asking anyone if they're interested in "playing cribbage." Only nerds and very old men will want to play, so they get awarded with a mouthful of turds. Jumping fuck, if that isn't one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We rent a baby hippo and feed it a ton of lobster meat (literally). We then let it roam the restaurant, making its loud hippo noise and knocking shit over like the adorable pup it is. When it comes to your table to beg for lobster meat, you better feed that bad boy, because if you refuse, we'll unleash its mother, and hippos have been known to bite a man to death to protect their young. Seriously. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Yes sir!

• Four crates are loaded with lobster and are placed on a large lazy Susan. Each crate is numbered 6 to 9. A man dressed as American writer Mark Twain walks in and tells some witty, heartwarming stories about growing up in the South and the racial divide. When he is finished, everyone applauds and some servers take away the four crates without explanation. Red Lobster would like you to know that that is Lobsterfest® happening right there.

• Peter Berg, the director of the summer movie "Battleship," is asked to come "direct" a night of Lobsterfest® at the restaurant of his choosing. Peter Berg, somewhat confused but always game, picks our location in Pasadena and transforms the grounds into a gigantic (and woefully inaccurate) Spanish galleon– that has nothing to do with lobster and nothing to do with our brand. When someone questions him about his choices on this matter, he points at the $65 million domestic box office results for "Battleship." We shut up and give him free rein. Hey, it's Peter Berg.

• We invite children to make snowmen out of our frozen lobster meat. Their parents are furious when the children stink up the interior of their vehicles with the disgusting permanent stench of substandard lobster. Meanwhile, look at these cool snowmen! Happy holidays from Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Crustaceanfest® Was Taken.

(As is now customary, the following Lobsterfest® entry was written drunk- this was after two large Kirin beers, a bottle of hot sake, and a Manhattan made with pear-flavored Grey Goose at Sushi Roku in Hollywood. Shit was lit, yo.)

Here at Red Lobster, things are always cooking. We mean that in both the vernacular and literal way. Like in the vernacular way, we're trying to say that fun things are always happening at our restaurant, and in the literal way, we are literally cooking all the time because as a restaurant, that is our business. Do we have to explain this any further for you, or are you too dumb to grasp this concept? Jesus.

Here now are the latest, greatest, Lobsterfestiest® ways to chow down on some seriously fantastic lobster:

Due to a clerical error on our part, a document asking for a "Lobster Fist" begins to circulate and gets leaked to the press. To minimize corporate embarrassment, we hire a special FX crew to fashion a big working fist with a lobster for each finger and a fatty crab for a thumb. It ends up being pretty much more effort than its worth. So that there would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

You scan a QR code. It takes you to a mini-site that asks you to like us on Facebook. The Facebook link takes you to our YouTube channel, which plays a short clip about out some of our lobster specials- none of which are terribly original. That is quite possibly the lamest way one could hope to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Didn't we even do this one already?!

We liquefy lobster meat and serve them in syringes, which we ask you to inject into the vein under your tongue. When you do, it's such a fucking rush that you spend all your time trying to score that good feeling again, but it always takes more and more injections to even approximate that feeling. Wait, did we say lobster meat? We meant crab. Enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster this way- we DARE you!

You fall down some stairs that weren't clearly marked in our restaurant and break an ankle. Not a shabby way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, am I right?

We hire Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band to play all their rock 'n roll favorites at one of our restaurants in St. Louis. When they've set up their equipment and are ready to play to a *huge* turnout, Bob Seger tries to plug his guitar into an amp, which is actually a large formed block of lobster meat painted to look like a guitar amp. Our staff laughs at him, and the entire band gets furious and walks out. A shame, really, when you realize we had a rock legend in our restaurant. We'd actually rather not even talk about it anymore.

Lobsters everywhere are given equal civil rights as humans, meaning they can now vote, have civil unions, and enjoy all the benefits of personhood that the rest of us enjoy. Which makes it doubly painful for us to round up so many of these fine, upstanding people from their rightful homes and boil them, crack open their shells and slather their dead flesh with cheap butter. What have we become? We are such monsters. Say, that's a zany way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, now!

Two words: lobster meat turbine wreaths on poles. That is another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! 

If You Only Knew How Much I Lobsterfest® You

Lobsterfest® is so prevalent these days that CEOs of corporations are coming out of retirement to enjoy the corporate discount we're offering for all the scrumptiously moist but tender lobster deals at Red Lobster. (This entry was written after 5 beers at a beer garden for lunch.)

• We blast the hell out of some down-lows and craigies, then tilt the shit out of the upper wakies like we're totally gonna max the shit out of the whole thing, then we bring it riding down at the last second before totally whaling the hell out of it before it burns out! Now that's a totally incomprehensible and non-sport specific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

•  One of those parade floats from the Rose Bowl. Yeah, one of those. You take one of those bad boys, then you load it up full of frozen lobster meat and trot it out during a hot summer day (preferably June because that's our most available month). Then you get a megaphone and invite all the kids in the neighborhood to come out and eat the hell out of the oozing, thawing lobster meat while their adoring parents look on in nostalgia of when they did that back in the day. Hell, fuck if that ain't a goddamned shit way to fucking rock the lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We buy a Kermit the Frog puppet from a department store, then stuff its ass full of lobster and butter packets and hide at the airport, near arrivals. When a minor celebrity or reality show star shows up, we wave the Kermit puppet so that they go, "Hey, it's Kermit!" and come over excitedly. Then when they hug it too hard, loads of delicious lobster meat and butter come flying out of Kermit's mouth, raining on everyone in the airport, including the porters. Now that's certainly an unusual but approved way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at LAX.

• Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will go with you.” They went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.- John 21:3
We add to this Bible verse that Simon Peter and his buddies then came over to their local Galilee Red Lobster to enjoy jalapeno shrimp fritters and a medium drink for $6.99. Red Lobster, Lobsterfest®, a canal. Panama.

• We confiscate everyone's driver's license at the restaurant and put them in a velvet bag. We ship the bag to a sherpa who loads it onto their pack llama and walks it to the top of the tallest mountain in Nepal. Once they have reached the summit of the mountain, he picks fourteen of the licenses from a bag, scans each one with a hand scanner, then emails the list to our manager. Our manager then finds each of the fourteen patrons and asks how their meal is. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster can be enjoyed this way if you really think about it.

Nobody Better Lay A Finger On My Lobsterfest®

Editor's Note: EADJ has been posting the latest and greatest Lobsterfest® offerings for years now, and only fairly recently has it become mandatory for the writer of these entries to be inebriated.

So last Saturday, Andrew got drunk and wrote this latest entry. No typos have been corrected, although we have added a "®" to every mention of Lobsterfest®.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its relentless siege on the fools who resist attending its succulent suckfest. Here now are the latest developments in lobster-delivered-all-up-in-your-face technology:

• You bring a lobster into the shower. You shower on it, seeing just what disparate drips of water drip down beneath your nether regions. Whichever drips happen to hit the lobster, you must take bites of said lobster immediately. Taste the sensation! And that's just a Russian-roulette-esque way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Find a Tony Roma's ”A Place for Ribs" near your chosen residence or place of business. Eat ribs copiously, showing your teeth and letting your food pieces gleam with importance. Contemplate how this activity still does not compare in any way ro LOBSTERFEST®. From there, head to lobsterfest® and just eat your fucking face off.

• A man and a woman walk through a hybrid Target/Subway/Pier One Imported Goods parking lot. A group of dancing lobsters, which includes a woman who matriculated at Harvard, an ex-rockette, and someone who used to date Tim Teufel, appear and gather in a way that makes you appreciate how much you tip a belly dancer. Everyone's here! Hope you've enjoyed another way to enjoy LOBSTERFEST® AT RED LOBSTER.

• Redman and Method Man show up and debate amongst themselves just how many cheese muffins they can steal. U-God shows up. He stuffs his face and starts speaking in crumbs (spitting crumbs everywhere, hitting everyone in sight). While making the call without any regard, Martin Scorsese just goes up and says yes, then drives away in his fully-loaded Lexus. Hello! And goodnight, lobster fans. Stay here and stay for the tastings.

Lobsterfest® Doesn't Need Your Fucking Pity

At last, ages of planning have finally culminated in the 68th month of Red Lobster's Lobsterfest®, a harmless experiment that eventually grew into a depressing ordeal of pain, heartache, and delicious lobster morsels in butter-like liquid. Here now, we bring you seven, nay, fourteen new ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• You order lobster, we serve it to you. That there's one way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Dantan Vederant, the most celebrated chef in the Northeast, who prepares and boils the most succulent lobsters over a 24 hour period. He lovingly places each lobster on a bed of Dominican Juma rice with the finest spices and savory butter and serves them exclusively to people in the restaurant named Gregory. Oh, your name isn't Gregory? Tsk tsk. Now that there is a frustrating way to almost enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

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• Grasteun, son of Gallilard, famed horseman of the ancient and legendary Knights of Terranon, shall climb the dreaded peaks of Mt. Kavalichon in the Vulkar Mountain range and use his mighty sword Evunion to split asunder the Stone of Cymtarrigas. From there he will place the precious stone into the Terranonian Crown of Vanquishers and wipe down a table for you so that you can sit down and order some lousy crab fritters. Lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck you.

• Do you enjoy pussy? Well, we don't offer pussy; we offer LOBSTER. You can get pussy elsewhere, but for now you can eat plenty of quality lobster for a decent price at Red Lobster. Sure, there are some prostitutes and loose women hanging out at the Red Lobster bar, willing to give you a cut of skank for a ten spot, but you can also get a nice, hearty meal with fresh lobster meat for only $12.99 which includes hush puppies, cole slaw, soup, and a small salad. Now that's a way to enjoy some serious pussy... I mean, lobster, at Lobsterfest® at Red Pussy.

• We buy out a local carpet dealership of all the carpets that they have in stock. We then roll hundreds of pounds of fresh lobster into every carpet, then sell it at an incredible 30% markdown. People who buy a carpet will take it home, unroll it on their living room floors, and discover an incredible bounty of sweet, moist lobster meat all over their hard wood floors. All the other local carpet dealers will be angry at us for a very long time! Somehow, you can tell that this would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We dry lobster meat on racks to make lobster jerky, which we bend and compress into tight staple shapes. The lobster staples actually fit into any standard industrial staple gun. You can load your staple gun and then shoot lobster staples onto your tongue, which compels you to seek legal action against us. Like, why would we make lobster staples so that you could injur yourself? I know, right?

• Lobster rolls are a cheap, vulgar reduction of the art of lobster cuisine into a common open-faced sandwich. Loaded with mayonnaise and the lowest quality grade of lobster, these lobster rolls are an insult to the sophisticated palate and an outright affront to the ah fuck it lobster rolls only $4.99 for a limited time at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Lobsterfest® Is Ruining Your Neighborhood With Its Low Prices and Reeky Lobster Meat

So I'm shitrocked again (after drinking 6 Chang beers), so it must be time to post another Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:


Lobsterfest® refuses to leave, like a distant relative with nowhere to go who also has the hots for your wife. We here at Red Lobster have served up countless new ways for you to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and here are the latest ways we're offering to serve you lobster from our last desperate brainstorming meeting:

• We rub arrows in lobster meat so that each one is glistening with the moist, fragrant juices of lobster broth. We then shoot the arrow directly up into the sky, and you try to catch the arrow in your mouth/face/chest. Once the arrow strikes your body, you're overwhelmed with the feeling of having lived the remainder of your life enjoying some decent crustacean meat. Now that is one of the several ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We round up everyone in your town who is allergic to shellfish. We then force them into a steel cage right in front of your town hall and literally force each person to eat a footlong lobster roll sandwich. Some of those people will get seriously ill; even a few will die. But you'll notice that we never mentioned anything about pointing guns at them, did you? What a bunch of suckers! Another pointless way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, your honor.

• You ever watch that cartoon "The Snorks?" See, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We repurpose the color copier that we have lying around and start making color copies of lobster meat. Most people don't have the refined enough palate to be able to tell the difference between real lobster meat and sheets of paper, so we'll make an absolute MINT, Cory! Is that an inethical way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck your mother, Cory.

• We truck in patients from a nearby hospital with chronic bowel syndrome. Before they can shit their pants, we heap platters of delicious lobster meat on the table in front of them. Then, their physical desire to blow shit out their ass is effectively COUNTERED by their desire to gobble up all our scrumptious meat! Now you cannot tell me that that is not a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Over time, we hypnotize and condition you into thinking the word "gold" actually means "lobster." Then we take you to Las Vegas, where you're confronted with a bunch of pawn shops offering "CASH FOR GOLD." You desperately come to our restaurant and order as much lobster meat as you can so that you can try to hock that meat for cash. You fail miserably and die alone. A tragic but somehow hilarious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Ain't No Time To Be Guffin' 'Bout No Lobsterfest®*

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster rages on like a humming tumid erection in a sophomore's pants. And we at Red Lobster have not stopped inventing new, exciting ways for you to succumb to the onslaught of obscenely plentiful lobster tail, mainly because we're afraid that once we stop, our lives essentially lose meaning. Here are the latest machinations from our laboratory of crustaceanism:

• We design a plasticine, protective fiberglass shell for you and your family to wear on your backs like lobsters. You'll conduct your day as usual, but now with the benefit of an exoskeleton to protect you from predators. And once you spend a week in your shells, you can appreciate how effective the exoskeletons are and then come to the restaurant and eat the everloving shit out of those stupid lobsters that didn't stand a chance against MAN! LOL! Stupid lobsters! HUMANS FUCKING OWN! That seems to indicate a sort of way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, but we could be mistaken.

• We fashion a gigantic slingshot from the crossbeams of our building. You sit in front of the slingshot as we load a bale (like of hay!) of lobster meat into the slingshot, pull it back as far as we can, and then ask you if you want a baleful of "THE MEAT." If you say no, we all act disappointed, disassemble the slingshot and sigh really loudly for the rest of the day. It would somewhat appear that that would be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, now that I think about it.

• You've heard of "CSI," right? Well, we'd do our version of it, but instead of murder victims, it would be people who couldn't decide what to have for dinner. Every episode would end with one of our "cops" suggesting that you should maybe have the lobster. See, that's the way we solve mysteries in OUR CITY. That concludes this special encore presentation of an episode of "CSI: Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!"

• We email you a coupon, and you delete it. That's a cyber-way to download lobster.doc at Lobsterfest®.com at http://www.RedLobster.geocities.org.

• We sprinkle lobster with crab meat. And with every bite you take of this concoction, you can't tell where the lobster starts and the crab ends. This forces you to re-evaluate everything you know about seafood, taking you on a vision quest to find your spirit animal, which by all accounts (and pretty much beyond our control) turns out to be a llama. See, that's no way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, is it? No.

• We vomit butter into your lap. You get really angry and threaten to sue. It's then that we introduce you to Jillian, who's been working here for about 3 months. You fall in love with her, but it turns out she's actually a cardboard standee of actress Ellen Barkin. I don't know what the fuck that just was, but it sure damn counts as enjoying lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Your friend Terry swings by our restaurant and doesn't tell you he's there. Then when you find out about it later, you get all mad because you were just down the street and he didn't bother to call you over. But it's all good, because he has that seven bucks he owes you for the time you spotted him when you guys when to see "Green Lantern." Terry's co-worker Paul even wrote down on a whiteboard:
"LOBSTER + LOBSTERFEST® X RED LOBSTER = PLEASE FORGIVE TERRY."

* I honestly wrote this entire entry drunk off Bud Light Lime, which for me these days only takes about 5.

||| The |||||| |||||||| Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster ||||| Until ||||| |||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||||

Lobsterfest has become less of a temporary promotion and more of a cultural phenomenon. People refuse to leave the restaurant grounds, often setting up camp in the grassy island in the parking lot and tanning the hides of deer that they've hunted on the highway. To not anger them any further, we have decided to announce all new ways for them to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Here are the latest:



• We literally soak everyone in butter in a special tub at the entrance in advance. Then when they eat lobster at their table, they don't have to dip their meat into any pesky butter dishes. The butter soaking their clothes will also act as a constant reminder that they are welcome to come back anytime to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ At Red Lobster. Which we hope the fuck works.

• Lobster bibs? No, we are talking lobster mumus! And wheelbarrows full of lobster! And a punchbowl full of macaroons! What diet, bitch? That's a totally valid way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. DON'T JUDGE ME.

• Okay, bear with me now, but what if we *didn't* serve lobster? What if instead of lobster we served hummus and pita bread, with a large pan of delicious crudité made from bell peppers, carrot sticks, and broccoli? I know it sounds crazy, but goddamn, that would be tasty, cause Carla and I are really sick of eating lobster. Please, just this once can we enjoy something else for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We boil our lobsters in basins shaped like your head, so it looks like your ideas are boiling over! All your friends will compliment you on your fertile imagination and girls will stop looking at you like you just raped their grandma. Now that there there is one heckuva way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster!

• We name four of our lobsters Ringo, John, Paul, and George. We dress them in those colorful Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms and lower them slowly into boiling water, right when they start on "Lovely Rita" on the second side of the album, which for my money is the worst song on there, anyway. Is that really another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster? No.

• ¿Bien, el oso conmigo ahora, pero lo que si nosotros *hizo no* sirve langosta? ¿Qué si en vez de langosta nosotros servimos paté de garbanzos y pita pan, con una cacerola grande de crudité delicioso hizo de pimientos, de palos de zanahoria, y del brécol? Sé que suena loco, pero maldito, eso sería sabroso, la causa Carla y yo están realmente enfermos de comer langosta. ¿Por favor, podemos esta vez nada más nosotros disfrutamos de algo más para Lobsterfest® en Langosta Roja?

• How 'bout I get a two by four and whoop some serious ass up in this motherfucker. How 'bout that shit. Another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Is That An Erect Penis In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Lobster To See Me?

Lobsterfest® seems to pop up at the least convenient time for people– when you're doing your taxes, when you've been caught shoplifting, or when you just murdered your high school guidance counselor. Still, here at Red Lobster, it's our commitment to serving this lobster stuff to you no matter what, so you just better recognize and show the fuck up. This newest batch of savory ways to enjoy lobster have been submitted by guest servers Andrew, Vince, Megan and Shaleah:

• At Red Lobster, we know that respecting the ancestors of lobsters is an important thing. Before these lobsters are consumed in fits of glorious gluttonousness (and with tasty rolls and possible sprinkle cookie desserts!), we allow our lobsters to steal old lobster shells from the tables and burn them in an effigy of sorts. And that’s a rather confusing and possibly nonsensical way to enjoy Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of all fairness and impartiality, for one weekend every second month, we invite the local lobster contingency to sit around our largest oak family dining table and eat a human. We also distribute bibs with humans on them so the lobsters can have a sanitary dining experience. Following the meal, everyone gets wafers. And that’s a pretty darn fair way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In addition to being a family restaurant, we at Red Lobster consider the lobster sacred. Almost like a deity. But not quite, since we serve copious amounts daily and our livelihood depends on customers eating them. Nevertheless, we sometimes, without warning, encourage diners to wear rubber bands on their hands to honor lobsters—beginning with the kitchen staff and franchise general manager. We find it’s easy to pressure everyone into doing something when we do it first and then bother you when we bring you your bread but before we bring you your lobster. And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• By insisting customers have a sunburn in order to eat our lobster at our restaurant, we once again attempt to respect the great snapping sea-beast while at the time eating them ravenously. What a buttery moral dilemma! And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Everyone at Olive Garden dips their bread sticks in butter, then storms Red Lobster in excitement. It’s like holding a staff from a position of authority. We’re talking kings and horsemen, archdukes and sailors, but sailors who want to be from an earlier period where women stayed home and men ate more fish than is medically recommended! And that’s just ANOTHER way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!



(BONUS JOKE: FROM VINCE)

What did one male lobster say to the other male lobster when they were on the prowl?

Hey, ready to get some lobster tail?




Editor's Note: after sending these entries, Andrew wrote: "for some reason, many of these were based on some sort of lobster affirmative action, I now realize."

Also, Vince has been awarded the Onyx Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page for submitting a bonus joke.

24...32...8...Lobsterfest®... HUT! HUT!

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A Hunka Hunka Burnin' Lobsterfest

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster seems to drag out longer than the Vietnam conflict, except with much more delicious, scrumptious morsels of melt-in-your mouth lobster meat. We at Red Lobster still have yet to hit a wall when it comes to inventing new ways to sucker you morons into our restaurant. Here now are the latest ploys we've concocted:

• We partner with the Hollywood actress Emily Blunt (or is it Ellen Page? The one in that thriller movie with the guns) to promote nightly fun lobster events at the restaurant. A different dipping sauce is featured for Ellen to dip lobster bits as she recites lines from her memorable role. That there is somewhat of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, right? No?

• The entire waitstaff pretends not to speak any English. When you order anything but lobster on the menu, we all get excited, do a (clearly Mexican-based) dance around your table and serve up lobster anyway. If you want to complain to our manager, he rides out on a burro wearing bullet bandoliers and an offensively large sombrero on his head and says, "Que?" ¡Es otra forma de disfrutar de langosta en Lobsterfest® en Red Lobster!

• Hey, you sci-fi geeks! July is our special Red Lobster Lobsterfest® For Vulcans! During this month we wear those pointy Spock ears and act all logical or whatever. We also do that Klingon greeting like, "Live Long And Prosper" and pretend to do that crazy Vulcan sleep hold on your shoulder! LOL! Oh, we also charge you an extra $35.00 fee for all the trouble. Now, there right there is one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• If somehow through some failure in logistics, we actually run out of lobster, we'll close. That unfortunately is one of the possible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• There's this guy named Yancey (not sure if it's his first or last name) who comes around the restaurant with homemade clocks that he carves from driftwood. Now, I enjoy his eccentricities as much as the next guy, but if he comes around the restaurant again trying to sell that shit of his during business hours, you guys have to make sure to escort him out. I'm not standing for any solicitation in the restaurant– yes, I understand Yancey's a nice old man and all that, Carol. But if you do nothing and just let him walk around inside this place of business selling his stupid nonworking clocks, I swear to God I'm going to fire the lot of you. Yes, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Sometimes It Burns When I Lobsterfest®

Like a giant shimmering, buttery crablouse, Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster has laid its gelatinous eggs into the public consciousness and has kept dozens of us enthralled with its myriad lobster offerings. Here now are a few more fresh ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We like to call this one "The Dumpster:" any patrons with the stomach for it can pay two dollars to climb into one of our garbage cans in the back. There among the filth, maggots and stench, you'll be armed with only a plastic bib and tongs to fight the raccoons and rats for the few remaining pieces of discarded lobster. Is it all worth the scratches, the rabies, and the two bucks for the measly few chunks of moldy shellfish? I guess. It's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Your lifelong interest in botany drives you to discover a new genus of plant that uses a special lobster pheromone to attract only the biggest, juiciest lobsters and trap them. Fellow botanists will criticize your discovery as "just a stupid cactus with a couple of lobsters glued onto it," but it's only because they're so jealous of your findings. Now, that's one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take a bunch of cool, fun things and throw them in with some interesting, amazing delicious stuff. This all gets worked up into a lather and, presto! Some really, memorable, cool, fantastic and specific things happen! Wow fuck, now that's another sweet way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Due to runaway demand and a limited supply of lobster, we now have to accept a special $500 "lobster deposit" for customers. Once your check clears, you are automatically entered in a reservation lottery to see if you have secured a table. The event will be oversold, so there's a really good chance that you will not get a table but still lose your deposit. Just another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Next year, you give up lobster for Lent. But because of the tempting morsels of succulent, moist lobster fritters we offer for a limited time, you break your holy vows with God and chow down anyway. You eventually get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, and even your closest Catholic friends stop praying for your wretched, damned soul. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Traffic cones are distributed to every table without explanation. Then halfway through the meal, world renowned stunt driver Wes Hollingberg drives a car through a wall in the restaurant and drops off a freshly-cooked lobster at each table! Sure, some patrons and servers will get accidentally killed in the endeavor, but that's all a part of being a stunt driver. That itself can be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Sometimes Lobsterfest Just Wants You To Lobsterfest

Red Lobster's juggernaut Lobsterfest® chugs on like a bloated, hairless freight train of meat, and if you haven't caught the action yet, there's still plenty of ways to enjoy the amazing lobster-filled delicacies we're offering this week! Try these latest ways (with some help from Andrew Gall):

• We hold a special “dinner and a show event” titled “My Dinner with Lobster.” Each table enjoys the pleasure of a lobster conveying all of his or her problems through a series of clicks. The lobster winds up becoming so comfortable in a diner’s company he or she begins to over-share, bringing up that one time in the park. Afterwards, everyone enjoys the therapeutic feeling that hey, we’ve all got problems! And that’s just another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A 30-megaton bomb filled with deadly radiation, cornbread and some lobster meat is dropped in the middle of a major metropolitan area near you. Survivors of the blast are given the grave responsibility of rebuilding their civilization with whatever has withstood the bombing but have the luxury of eating nothing but delicious, buttery lobster and cornbread! Okay, that seems like another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A man, a plan, a canal, Lobsterfest®!

• We hire Grammy-winning recording artist Nelly to accompany you and your family to the restaurant, where he orders "Lobsterr" for all of you, even though your mother clearly and emphatically stated she just wanted a salad. Now, doesn't that sound like a terrific, delicious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We shout the praises of Lobsterfest from the rooftops in the form of our very own spokesperson, Mr. Lobster Shingles! Mr. Lobster Shingles (hereafter referred to as MLS—catchy!) storms the lobster-imbibing scene nightly, singing and generally tap dancing about the restaurant. When it looks like a patron is done with his or her plate of succulent lobster, that’s when MLS takes charge, calling attention to said patron with a dance and shimmy best described as “inspiring.” Each time, the MLS spectacle ends with a chant, making the patron feel so bad, he or she will finish the lobster without another word. Oh, and MLS happens to have authentic shingles strapped to his shoulders. Just another way to enjoy delicious lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Is There Any Respite From The Unrelenting Lobsterness That Is Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster?!

We're nearing the end of Week 683 of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, but that doesn't mean that there aren't still new fantastic ways to enjoy delicious morsels of lobster at your local Red Lobster! Check out these latest feasting suggestions:

• A woman named Consuela sits next to you in your booth, staring at you like she knows you. Before you know it, she's starting eating your lobster. You get kind of upset, knowing you're paying upwards of $14 for this food, and you shout, "CONSUELA!" in the middle of the restaurant. The other patrons then stare at you and Consuela and assume that you hit her. Why do you hit her? That's a terrific new way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• For special family dining experiences, we've created an entire full day of Lobsterfest-based activities! It all starts in the morning, when you’re encouraged to bring your kids—and your yoga mat—to participating Red Lobster locations, where you’ll be then instructed in a series of lobster-themed yoga poses (be sure to bring towels, as we typically use a rolled up towel to represent a lobster tail!) This is followed by a light lunch of buttered rolls, and we crank up the heat just a little bit, allowing patrons to enjoy the feeling of being lobsters themselves. As the day rolls on, dinner is served, everyone is sweaty, and the room smells of dillweed! In the end,everyone winds up exhausted, but it’s a very happy exhausted. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Bisque shakes. That's a new, challenging way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• As they enter, male and female diners are divided intoseparate groups. On even numbered days, the men strap plates of lobster to their backs and run around on all fours while the women chase after them with forks and get their fill (don’t worry, the forks are plastic, people!). On odd numbered days, things really heat up: the women are instructed to concoct their most creative lobster headdress. Each woman then proceeds to dance around the grouping of men. The men vote on the most creative design, and everyone gets treated to lobster from the head of a woman! Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of transparency and fun times, we set up a special “lobster viewing party” on the third Thursday of every month. Prospective meal eaters can watch a tank of lobsters play fun games like swimming and freeze tag, then choose their favorite lobster from the tank to join them at the table. Not to eat, silly! To befriend! The tables will be well-stocked with all kinds of entertainment activities like board games and portable DVD players. Limit 3 hours per lobster per family. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• During dinner, the waitstaff forms a circle, yells “toro,” and all of a sudden a bull appears in the middle of the restaurant. The first one to get gored loses. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

(Special thanks to Andrew Gall for supplying most of these.)

Still Time To Lobster More Lobster With Your Fest!

As Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster lurches forward, scraping parked cars on either side of it, Red Lobster would like everyone to know that they are still coming up with new, exhilarating ways for you to enjoy tasty, scrumptious morsels of lobster! Try these latest delicious suggestions:

We raise a lobster like we would a child. We name her "Sandy" and put a blonde wig on her, promoting her self esteem and encouraging her to make new friends in the neighborhood. When Sandy reaches high school age and wonders why no boys have asked her to the big prom yet, we rip off her wig, put a mirror in her face, and scream "YOU'RE A LOBSTER, SANDY!" We then boil her and serve her to you with a side of potatoes and steamed broccoli. And that's just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Using the latest advances in robotics and $78 billion, we create a 40-ton suit of combat armor that sports heat-seeking missile launchers, plasma guns and even a thermo-concussion bomb. Goddamn, that would be so fucking tits! Oh yeah, it also has a plastic lobster hanging on the rear view mirror. One more way for you and yours to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

An entire civilization of lobster people are discovered on a remote continent. They speak a strange language composed of guttural sounds and lobster claw clicks. We fly you to their village, where you can learn their unique ways and have a better cultural understanding of lobsters and their contribution to this crazy thing we call Earth. How's that for an awesome way for you to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

We hire a very clean, bathed man who has just washed his hands and eats a strict diet of clean vegetables and water to shove two pounds of steamed lobster into his very washed and sanitary rectum. He squats on top of your just-cleaned, very antiseptic table and pushes the lobster out of his ass and onto your face, neck, and chest. And that's a terrific new way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

We partner with a tobacco company to create a new type of cigarette whose tobacco includes tiny dried chunks of lobster. When you smoke a few, it makes you dizzy and causes your legs to get restless and itchy. When you complain to your doctor, he lectures you endlessly about how you shouldn't be smoking cigarettes in the first place! Just another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!