A Text From Andrew

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Smecial Dreams Entry

From John Reid:

And three from Andrew Gall:

There's lots of Megan this time around.

Nobody Better Lay A Finger On My Lobsterfest®

Editor's Note: EADJ has been posting the latest and greatest Lobsterfest® offerings for years now, and only fairly recently has it become mandatory for the writer of these entries to be inebriated.

So last Saturday, Andrew got drunk and wrote this latest entry. No typos have been corrected, although we have added a "®" to every mention of Lobsterfest®.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its relentless siege on the fools who resist attending its succulent suckfest. Here now are the latest developments in lobster-delivered-all-up-in-your-face technology:

• You bring a lobster into the shower. You shower on it, seeing just what disparate drips of water drip down beneath your nether regions. Whichever drips happen to hit the lobster, you must take bites of said lobster immediately. Taste the sensation! And that's just a Russian-roulette-esque way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Find a Tony Roma's ”A Place for Ribs" near your chosen residence or place of business. Eat ribs copiously, showing your teeth and letting your food pieces gleam with importance. Contemplate how this activity still does not compare in any way ro LOBSTERFEST®. From there, head to lobsterfest® and just eat your fucking face off.

• A man and a woman walk through a hybrid Target/Subway/Pier One Imported Goods parking lot. A group of dancing lobsters, which includes a woman who matriculated at Harvard, an ex-rockette, and someone who used to date Tim Teufel, appear and gather in a way that makes you appreciate how much you tip a belly dancer. Everyone's here! Hope you've enjoyed another way to enjoy LOBSTERFEST® AT RED LOBSTER.

• Redman and Method Man show up and debate amongst themselves just how many cheese muffins they can steal. U-God shows up. He stuffs his face and starts speaking in crumbs (spitting crumbs everywhere, hitting everyone in sight). While making the call without any regard, Martin Scorsese just goes up and says yes, then drives away in his fully-loaded Lexus. Hello! And goodnight, lobster fans. Stay here and stay for the tastings.

A Pair of IM Convos

This from Bill Dow:


And this one from Andrew Gall:



Insert "I'll be Bach" joke here.

Someone Has Never Learned How To Wrap Up A Letter Properly

Editor's Note: I hesitated to post this entry, but Andrew Gall encouraged me to, and I figured, fuck it.

So I was Googling Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn (above) whilst editing yesterday (don't ask), and I came across this gem of a welcome letter on a porn site:


"Thanks?" Talk about an abrupt ending to a letter. Kind of rude of her, really. Get you all hot and bothered, then sign off so casually?


Here now are some other abrupt endings that Ms. Vaughn had used in other welcome letters:

"I need a huge cock to fill my quivering pussy. KTHXBYE!"

"Your moist, sweat-covered balls tickle my asshole. SMELL YA LATER!"

"You tag my ass chicken-wing-style, making me cum like a freight train. SEACREST OUT!"

This Week In Doppelgangers

A goofy, t-shirt stretching John Carstens,


Intense, painted Andrew Gall,


And ITT Tech-educated sound mixer Phil Flicklicker:

An IM Convo

Hot off the presses, this is an exchange with Andrew:

Happy Halloween From EADJ!

"It's Halloween, everyone!" said Standpipe.


Boom Box On TV was SO PSYCHED!


Bike Lanes were glad.


And Frying Pan was so excited!


Building hated Halloween, so he just ignored it.


High Chair wasn't really into it, either. But whatever.


Neither Door Attachment nor Porch Board were ready for it this year.


Smokestack and Bridge got into the Halloween spirit and helped decorate. They put up...


...a Jack-O-Lantern and...


...two skeletons.


Corner was mildly encouraged by the turnout.


And the costume contest began:


Speaker came as a generic ghost.


Surround Sound Box dressed like a Minion from "Despicable Me."


Garbage Truck came as a catfish.


Rice Cooker had on a great gorilla costume.


Both Recycling Bins and Egg Carton showed up as Ninja Turtles.


18 Wheeler dressed as Frylock from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."


Dashboard came as a convincing angry robot.


Ionic Breeze dressed like Ghost Face from the "Scream" movies.


Designer Chair dressed up as Mr. Mouth, but he kept getting "H.R. Pufnstuf."


60 Year Old Birthday Cake dressed as Cookie Monster.


Train Bathroom Door showed up as an angry Italian giving the finger, but nobody got it.


Escalator Partition dressed as John Goodman.


Dunkin Donuts Rug forgot to show up in costume and felt like an asshole.


Dog Dish showed up in a bad Skeletor costume.


But Stained Glass Window won the prize for their "Grinning Kermit" costume.


Purse went out for a smoke.


Bank Waiting Area was glad to meet so many new people.


Subway Tool Storage Box stood against the wall and kept to himself.


Oven said they didn't get enough candy.


But Water Cooler didn't get any candy.


And as always, Fountain drank too much and got sloppy.


Train Car Lock took too much ecstasy and had to lie down.


iPhone Case wondered who was going to pay for all of this.


Cardboard Box and Broken Hinge both got lost and missed the party entirely.


Cheap Ikea Chair just smiled and enjoyed another successful party.


Sun Roof Attachment was still scared and refused to come down.


Large Capacity Tub said, "Yay! Let's do this again next year!"

Editor's Note: Thanks to Andrew Gall and Emily Kane for their contributions to this.