Phone: Ring ring
Me: Hello?
Lady: Hello. This is Ingrid Newkirk, co-founder of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the largest coolition for the protection of animals on the Earth for the past twenty-five years.
Me: Oh, hello.
Ingrid Newkirk: My fellow patriots at PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and I are forming an internet protest against your blog, you evil murderer. It's full of pictures of people burning, hammering and KILLING small animals. This is just UNACCEPTABLE. Do you know that it even says at one point that 'dropkicking cats is fun'?
Silence, broken only slightly by a faint sound that might be me sniggering.
Ingrid Newkirk: We here at PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, find this sort of thing appalling, degrading, and morally bankrupt. What if somebody sees this blog and actually decides to copy you? Then you'd be a murderer! We here at PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, need you to undestand that violence against animals is NOT FUNNY.
Me: Yes it is.
Ingrid Newkirk: Oh. I see your point. Well, I guess you're right. I'll leave now and stop wasting your time. Goodbye.
Me: Bye.
I wish. Dear me, PETA are irritating. Why won't they see that nobody likes them, and just piss off? They've turned something inherently cool as saving super drug-monkeys from evil scientists into a giant whingey sodden tissue of mucus and pent up energy. They've decided that the best way to get the entire world to change a billion years worth of evolutionary programming is to dress up in silly costumes and annoy people senslessly.
And what is it with the name? PETA? I don't even know how to pronounce it... it's either PETA like Peter (the name) or PETA like petter (the person who pets). Personally, I prefer it like Peter, because Peter is another name for penis, and I have a full and frank belief that PETA are a bunch of penii.
And anyway, if its People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, surely it should be PFTETOA. What's wrong with that? Well, other than it sounds sort of like a silent fart. At least all the letters are included now, which they weren't before in the previous PFTETOA name version. What's wrong, you pricks, don't you want the small letters? You word-Nazi's. I bet you don't like black words either. You sicken me.
And the SLOGANS you people throw about. Just a quick visit of www.peta.org (see, its a .org adress, not even a real bloody website) reveals a HOST of fascinating slogans to make us reconsider eating delicious tasty animals. For example:
Animals are people too!
Interesting analogy. ANIMALS are PEOPLE too. Well, so that means, if I eat animals, I'm eating people. MY GOD, I should stop this NOW. Oh, wait. I just spotted one tiny loophole in your plan there, PETA: Animals are not people. Animals are animals. The two words are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the definition of 'animal' is 'not a person'. So basically, you've just altered the laws of English. And anyway, in what way are animals 'people'? Give me a list of reasons, that don't use hippy rubbish like 'uh, animals have souls' and 'uh, animals are... cute?'.
Fish are friends, not food!
Dictionary defninition of 'friend':
Friend (n)
1: A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2: A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3: One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
4: Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Right. All those who know, like, and trust a fish, raise your hands. Even as an acquaintance? You don't even have to know this particular fish very well... perhaps the fish is allied with you? Still nobody? Ok, anybody in the Clean air movement here? Now I SWEAR I saw a fish marching in your parade just the other day. No? Any Quakers in the croud? Any fish in the Quakers? Really? There aren't? Nobody who looks like this:
Well, good for you, keeping the standards up. And keep making the porrige.
So, in conclusion, I have just categorically proved that fish are, indeed, not friends. Therefore, they are food. Delicious, delicious food.
Chris P. Carrot says: Eat your veggies, not your friends!
This placard was being held by a giant smiling carrot. I do not lie. So, uh, that's confusing. If this carrot guy is so friendly, surely that makes him a 'friend'. Regarding the dictionary definition of friends, it does seem that Chris is supporting the PETA cause, it would make him a 'friend' of PETA, and therefore not edible. But... he tell us to eat our vegetables! It's one of those crazy crazy logic problems that makes smart people like me frown in an irritated manner, and simple people like Kris explode. So, I've come to the simple conclusion that Chris is my friend, and I can eat him. Therefore, cows, who aren't my friend, are even more deliciously edible. Mmmm, beef.
And the ever popular Meat is murder
Meat is tasty. Murder is not. Therefore, murder is not tasty. Simple mathematics.
... Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now I've lost interest. NO WAIT. Look what I just found on www.peta.com:
Web sites that either depict or suggest cruelty to animals are typically created by people who feel threatened by animal rights or who simply want to get attention. Most of these sites are intended to be offensive "jokes" and use fake, deceptive images. The owners of these malicious Web sites know that compassionate people will be upset and tell their friends about the site, bringing more visitors to it and making it a more valuable space for advertising.
MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I am so malicious. Give me attention.
Nuts to this.
I am MOOLICIOUS!
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