"Give [love] a kick in the balls from me," - Oli G

I have decided that love sucks. Well, not love. Relationships. Well, not even relationships. Teenage relationships. Well, not even that. I mean teenage relationships that revolve around two or more couples sitting sucking each others lips while I sit there and stare blankly at a wall, trying to blot out the loud sounds of suction. Seriously, guys, today was like the internet history of Micheal Jackson, there were so many horny 16 year olds. OOH BURNED.
And anyway, what is this deal with kissing? Its just UNSAVOURY. Here's how the dictionary defines 'kiss':

Kiss n. A band from the 70's sporting cabucki theater make up and black leather costumes.They play awesome rock and roll and have survived line up changes and death of a member.

See? I rest my case. It is unsavoury. So don't act like you're so damn mature when you manage to pull it off. Mwahhaa. (Why did me typing 'pull it off' make me cackle so damn much?) So, in conclusion, I have decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Firstly, I don't like relationships. They require too much hard work. You have to, you know, take the effort to go and see the person and you have to talk to them and stuff. Apparently, just sitting in blank silence and playing with your phone for an hour, before checking your watch and striding out of the room doesn't seem to be a good example of 'quality time'. And I always end up looking like a frigid freak. ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT I HAVE NO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY WITH ANYONE. I am like the least sexually chemicular person ever. I'm the human equivalent of Wadey. Seriously, I could be locked in a room with Paris Hilton, and it would take a full four hours before she was blowing me. That's a long time, by the way. I was rinsing Paris Hilton. Because I hate her. Skank bitch.

And after a while you end up getting pissed off with each other / pregnant / getting STDs. And in the end, no matter how well the relationship goes, you both end up dead anyway. So, great one there. I just totally RINSED love. Did you hear me? Wicked. But, on the other hand, sex sounds like fun. And you need something to high five your friends with (male) or feel guilty about having done too soon (female).

nb: I just re-read that sentence. You do not literally high five your friends with sex. That would be unpleasant, heavy, sticky, and everyone would have to go and wash their hands thoroughly (with soap AND water) afterwards. So, don't do it. Have sex, THEN tell your friends, THEN high five.

Tangent over.

After a fruitful day of gazing at people making out, I have decided that a change is due. No longer will I be made to feel socially inept for not pulling the face off The Cowman. I will no longer endure your snooty looks as you lather yourself in someone else's saliva, phlegm, and half-digested food. No more will I be the weird asexual frigid freak at parties. Mwahahhaa. For, me and the Cazzoid have developed a brilliant system, that solves every problem, removes me of all the responsibility of relationships and still doesn't mean that my love life is deader than this fucking kitten:

(Imagine a really really nasty picture of a kitten dying/exploding here, I can't be bothered to make one properly at this point in time)

What is this plan called, I hear you cry? Simple:

Couple by Engagement

Basically, its very simple. You pretend to be a couple, but you don't actually do anything couply eg. talking, pulling, taking any effort to go and see each other, looking at etc.
BUT at the same time, you save up all your couply stuff. Then you release it all in a really crazy 10 minutes at some point in the future. This date will be pre-arranged. I'm imagining a wild orgy of crazy sex, latex, and wild and crazy arguments over the other partner's screwing around.
The BRILLIANCE of this plan is that you are absolved of all the consequences of coupledom, safe in the knowledge that any problems you have with your partner will be solved during the crazy ten minutes. You can literally do ANYTHING, and your partner can't say a word. Of course, they can equally be a bitch to you, so a trust system will evolve.

You're allowed to screw around, ignore your partner, disappear for weeks on end, get drunk, insult each other, and chase whatever bit of skirt takes your attention. I don't think I actually discussed that part of the plan with Cassoid, but if she wishes to complain, she can do on our crazy hour of death.

Therefore, all the nasty and boring bits of coupledom are cut out, and you can give the finger to all the other 'traditional' couples who will all die of AIDS pretty soon anyway. HA HA, you got screwed. Literally.... and now I've lost interest. Roll on May 24th.

This plan isn't going to work. I am going to die sad and lonely. Ah well.

A gay cow's worst fear? AIDS (Acquired imoono deficiancy syndrome)