OH EM GEE

OH EM FUCKING GEE
OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG
OH. EM. GEE.

Ok, calm down. Just calm. Breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel the force of your feet on the floor. Know the sensations of your breath. Calm.

I JUST CAN'T DO IT, DAMNIT! Its just too... damn exciting. Do you know that feeling you get when you pull off something so BRILLIANT, so utterly unbelievable, that you just can't control it? Its like when you realise at the end of an exam that -yes- you could do every question and -yes- there weren't any questions about transformers, possibly the most shit topic on GCSE physics. Or in the Spanish oral, when you realise that it's actually being conducted in English. That feeling. Greatness in a bottle. Goodness on a Stick. Jesus in a... cage.
Just LOOK what I discovered in my Email inbox the other day:



I have been CHOSEN to recieve Free Gas for a Year. You hear that? Chosen. It wasn't a random thing. It wasn't them just mass emailing everyone. I was CHOSEN. I can just imagine the nice people at Rewards Venue just sitting back, around their fancy table. "Right, we have all this free gas... we need to give it to someone." "But who? We can't just give it to ANYONE." "I know, what about this guy?" *Motions at framed picture of me in the centre of the room*. "Oh YEAH, a 16 year old non-driver who doesn't even live in the same country!" "PERFECT!" "Well done Bob, have a promotion."

No, wait. Actually, I bet they just sent a diviner out with a stick. He waved it around, and eventually it led him to the person whom God deemed worthy. I was wondering why an old man with a twig was following me around London the other day. I just thought that he was after my gullyhole, and ran away. But actually, he wasn't a pervert. He was a Reward Venue Prize Diviner, discovering the most worthy person to recieve the year's free gas. $150 a month in pure gas!

I wonder what sort of gas it is. Chlorine gas, perhaps. Or maybe some Mustard gas... then I can go out and eviscerate some rabbits. Just imagine it. A little bunny rabbit hopping gayly (meaning happy in this case, this is a hetero bunny) through Bushy Park, when suddenly, BLAM. I appear on the horizon, gas masked, covered in canisters (stuffed full with $150 worth of compressed mustard gas). The bunny tries to run, but its too late. I raise my Gas-Grenade Launcher, aim, then fire a rocket gas propelled explosive cannister with BRUTAL force towards the rabbit. KA-SPLAT. The cannister hits Peter Rabbit, then melts him and takes out a 600 square meter patch of parkland. Hmm. Maybe its just gas for the car. Perhaps the picture is a clue. Don't you you LOVE how they've captured my very essence, with that picture of a middle aged brunette woman next to her shiny white car? I would never have a white car. In fact, after the rabbits, people with white cars would be my next target. I would probably have to wait for next month to go white-car lady hunting, though.

Doesn't it look like her hand has sort of melted into the car a bit? And what exactly is she looking at? Her eyeline seems to point towards her checking out the 'o' on 'chosen'. Perhaps she, too, was chosen by the almighty Rewards Venue to get the free gas. Perhaps she's looking upwards towards God, asking for a blessing for the gas that she is about to recieve in her lame white car.

But I have to admit, I had my doubts at first. Can you believe, I ACTUALLY had the nerve to think that it might have been junk mail? 'Spam'. After all, I get junk mail ads all the time; penis enlargement, anything from MSN, oil prices, free picture of lesbians-riding-latex-bunny mask-wearing-donkey-blowing-midget-urine-servants (no thanks, I get quite enough unbridled sex when Mike and Kris are around). All stuff I don't need. But on the other hand, I did apparently win a washer/dryer combo the other day. Pretty spiffy, I thought. Unfortunately, I failed to pick up on this offer, after falling down five flights of stairs and breaking every bone in my body. I'm ok now, though.

But, I thought that this particular email was spam, would you believe it? And I was about to delete it too. But THANK GOD I looked just that little bit closer, and saw the anti-spam picture in the corner. Well, that set my beating heart at rest. It wasn't spam- there was a little sign telling me so. Thank GOD for that.

So now all I need to do is contact the nice people at Rewards Venue to get my gas. Who knows, perhaps I'll be given a free car too. I'll just keep watching my inbox.

Vote for me - free childcare for fit teenage mothers. FIT teenage mothers, mind you. No munters.