Tony Blair? Too smiley.
Micheal Mandalson? Not a politician.
Uh, that guy with the face? Too much face.
Gordon Brown? Too much of being the only other political name I can think of to vote for.
Micheal Manson? Not even a politician.
Wow, my knowledge of politics is actually AWFUL. I actually can only name two politicians. Two living politicians. And Maggie Thatcher. But I'm fully of the opinion that Maggie has been dead for years, but it's just the power of her lip thats keeping her moving. Soon, she'll just start to rot and things will break off. She'll be doing a dinner or something and, mid speech, her skin will crisp off. Then she'll catch fire and burn to the ground. So I won't vote for her. Actually, I won't vote for anyone. Not because of any particular apathy. I'm too young, to be honest. But NEXT election, when we're all driving around in flying hoverbikecardonkeys and voting by using mind powers, I'll be using my democratic right to full devastating effect.
If I could vote for anyone, I'd vote for this guy:
Winston Churchill. What a guy. You look at Churchill and you think, here's a motherfucker who can GET the JOB done. Can you imagine anybody else taking down Hitler and his Nazi's? I think not. Hell, even Maggie couldn't take down those wankers. Its all Winston, tommygun in one hand, half smoked cigar sticking out the corner of his mouth, casually reloading then taking down the ranks of the Third Reich. You know that game Escape from Castle Wolfenstein? You were playing as Winston the entire time. And the SPEECHES! Seriously, that man could talk. Despite sounding like Marlon Brando in the Godfather, he was good enough to have a car insurance company named after him. Can you imagine a car insurance thing called Tony? No. You can't. Cos that would be shit.
Actually, to be honest, if I could vote for ANYONE, I'd vote for this guy:
Me.
Seriously, I would be WICKED as King of England. I'd have my own political party. Except it wouldn't be a 'party', it'd be a 'partay'. Or at least, pronounced like that. And nobody would get fired for having affairs with secretaries and abusing governmental powers under MY regime. Oh no. In fact, having affairs with secretaries and abusing governmental powers would actually be a requisite of my reign. Any politicians (I saw 'politicians', I actually mean 'hive kings') who fail to have enough affairs or fail to embezzel enough money will be burnt at the stake. Did I mention that arbitrary stake-burnings are brought back under my rule? A charming British Tradition that just hasn't been given enough lee-way these days.
Here will be my policies on several difficult topics that have affected the policitians of today:
Council tax: Council tax? Council tax? We'll have no council tax here! Back in my day we just lived in huts that we made ourselves out of the trees of the New Forest, and that's what all those whingeing wusses are gonna get. Any complaints, go and talk to my head of stake-burnings, John Von Burny-McGee.
Crime: Four words: Justice with a shotgun. Armed robbery? Shotgun. Murder? Shotgun. Child molestation? Shotgun. In the groin. Embezzlement? Shotgun. Little old lady complaining about the amount of corpses outside the court-room? Shotgun. Shotgun salesman? Shotgun. Shotguns for all! When I say that, I do not mean that shotguns are handed out willy-nilly. No, they are unloaded at point blank range.
Immigration: Let 'em all in. In... TO THE SUGAR MINES! It doesn't matter that we don't have any sugar mines in Britain... they can BUILD SOME! MWahahahaha. I'm gonna usher in a magical new world of slavery to Britain.
Freedom of speech: The following books will not be burnt:
The Chainsaw Zombie annual
Chainsaw Zombie and me - the blogging way
The Chainsaw Zombie Story (with a foreword by Tim Henman)
One zombie and his chainsaw - a tale of heroism
Everything else, on the pile.
And now, to reveal the name of my partay. I thought of 'the Zombie party', but we already have several of those (Ooooh, political humour, don't I just RULE). Then 'the Chainsaw party'. This was followed by 'the Monster party', 'the ? party', 'the ytrap party' and finally 'the other party'. But then it hit me.
Vote for us or get sent to the sugar mines. Or the stake. Or both.
Vote for me or go to the sugar moones!
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