...
Ok, that was a good second.
Right. Now I want to be serious for the rest of the post, or until I lose interest in being serious and revert back to purile sillyness. I'm guessing that this'll take a couple of seconds.
But here's the point that I want to get across:
There is altogether too much discussion of vaginas in school nowadays.
Everywhere I go, it's all I hear. What colour so and so's is, how many fingers you managed to fit into whatsername's, the size, shape, and number of cockroaches that fell out of Steve's... stop it. Vaginas are not interesting. In fact, vaginas are possibly on the other side of interesting. Vaginas are distasteful. Seriously. On the sexual genitalia ranks (Vagina, Penis, and in the case of a certain girlfriend of Ogg, horned tentacle), the vagina is RIGHT at the bottom. Seriously, the vagina is such a loser in the genitalia competition, the Salvation Army have started VaginAid, a special charity for vaginas that gives out free sex changes.
But still, feminists go on about it like its a good thing. No its not. Just, no. You're an idiot. But, in order to cement my reputation as the most blatantly gay straight guy on the planet, I'm still going to go on what will probably be a highly offensive, mysoginistic, partially homosexual post that will no doubt get:
a: no comments at all
b: lots of comments from pissed off lesbians
So, yeah:
Vaginas v Penii; Battle of the Sex Organs
Right. Uh, ok..
Appearance
Right. I led a very secluded childhood; I did not see much porn as a pre-teen. If only I'd met Micheal Jackson. I mean, we didn't even get the fucking internet until three or so years ago. So, basically, one of my first sightings of a REAL vagina (ie, one that I hadn't come out of) was at The Manliest Man around's house, watching low quality porn on his laptop. And seriously, I thought something was gonna fall out. Christ, bitches, your vaginas look like bloody flesh-wounds. It's like somebody had a penis, but then jerked off so bloody hard it got ripped out, leaving a bleeding wound.
On the other hand, I probably saw my first penis just after seeing my own belly-button for the first time. And man. Although it was 12 inches long (don't worry, it's grown a bit now) I wasn't made at all nauseous by my penis. And why should I? Penii are fine. I mean, I wouldn't wanna look at anybody else's, but hey it's better than a flesh wound.
Stuff that comes out of them
Penis: urine and semen. Thats IT. Barring an STI, that is all that's ever coming out of this baby. No matter how hard you try. Both perfectly harmless bodily things. I repeat: THAT IS IT. Urine and semen. FINITO.
Vagina: urine, semen (come on, I'm sure it oozes out after the penis is done), BLOOD, TISSUE MATTER, weird fishy stuff, lots of random fluids. But please, can I just direct your attention to: BLOOD. FUCKING BLOOD? I mean, christ. If I woke up and I started bleeding out of my genitalia, I would scream. Christ, I'd probably slam the fucker in the freezer. How can you even pretend to claim that vagina is superior, when the inside of it starts to dribble out every full moon? My God.
In terms of The Lord of the Rings places
Penis: The mighty tower of Isengard, full of magic and enchantedness, rearing up above a huge forest. Every now and again, a white man appears on the end and fires magical bolts about. Aha, you can see that I've thought this baby through.
Vagina: Mines of Moria. A dark, dank, dripping place, in a deep forest (with a scary octopus thing) full of the following:
- Pools of water
- Slime
- Death
- Bottomless pits
- Shit (I refuse to believe that there isn't a connecting tube in there somewhere)
- Other monsters far too hideous to discuss
- Hobbits
Dude. I cannot believe I just described genitalia in terms of Lord of the Rings. I don't even like Lord of the Rings that much. I could do Star Wars too. Penii are light-sabres, vaginas are that big hole in the desert in the last one that Jabba threw his victims into. I don't even like Star-Wars either.
Cleanliness
Penis: Three seconds in the shower. More if you want to be extra clean. That's all you need.
Vagina: I don't know, but I hope it takes you several hours and a team of trained professionals wearing nuclear radiation suits to clean 'em out. Seriously, with the amount of fluids knocking around down there and the fact that YOU ARE DECOMPOSING, it wouldn't surprise me if there was enough bacteria in there to keep Al-Quaiida supplied for a whole year. Fuck, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if maggots had a nice thing going down there. Ugh.
And how can anyone argue with me? There are adverts for thrush cream on TV every damn second. Are there adverts for penis wart removal kits (soldering iron)? No. Why? Because penii are easy to clean. Thrush cream, pah. And the adverts always act like thrush is a normal thing. A NORMAL THING? You have YEAST GROWING IN YOUR BODY. Hell, pour some milk, crack a few eggs and stick some butter down there, and you've got some vagina shaped rolls. Vaginabread. I'd buy it. Actually, no I wouldn't. I bet it tastes like SHIT. And blood. And fish.
Fun
Look, if you own a penis and fancy a bit of solo fun and you own at least one hand and long enough arms (fun fact: Dwarves don't. Poor bastards. Thats probably why they liked Snow White so much, eh eh?) then you're in business. But if you have a VAGINA, you probably need to use A FAKE PENIS. Yes, that's RIGHT. Vaginas NEED penii, but penii really don't NEED vaginas. Loooosers. And at the end of the day, you're gonna end up bleeding all over the shop anyway. Bloody vaginas. Ew, literally.
Ah, dear. I'm getting kind of bored of insulting female organs. So here are the only two possible reasons that I can think of that vaginas might be superior to penii:
1: If you kick a vagina, it can't possibly hurt as much as being kicked in the balls. I'm sorry, but NO. It is actually impossible to top that for agony. So actually, we just ruined your whingey shit for the 'childbirth' thing. Oh boo hoo, a baby comes out of your vagina? Just try getting kicked in the balls and stop whingeing.
Although, on the other hand, although we do have a weak spot between our legs, you do have two very easily punchable targets on your chests, you vagina owners, so it does even out.
2: Lesbians with vaginas are always much better than gays with penii. I don't know why, but I'd rather watch two vagina ladies have fun than a penis pair. But, duhh... ladies vs men. Manly men (ie me) will always choose to look at ladies. I mean, what do we have penii for if not to use them to look at ladies? Hmm. But on the other hand, real lesbians aren't really ever that fit. Real lesbians are not blonde bombshells with massive boobs. They are usually old grey ladies with beards and massive saggy boobs. They look like Anne Widdecombe. Or the lady who played Victor Meldrew's wife. You just imagined them together, didn't you? Me too... sorry about that.
Lesbians are often a bit podgy. Like Ogg's sister. They also often play hockey. Like Ogg's sister. They also have bizarre haircuts. Like Ogg's sister. I would say that Ogg's sister is a lesbian, except apparently she's not. In fact, she apparently has a very active love life. In fact, I once saw her 'thingfriend' (I won't say boy as I couldn't tell); a tall gangly creature with red, glazed eyes, a face that could curdle all the milk in France and talons instead of hands. It looked sort of like a mixture between Dracula and the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. I think they've broken up now.
Actually, I hope they've broken up, cos Ogg is going out with it now.
ZZZZZZZING.
Moo
If you took this post seriously, you can just fuck off.
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