Fitness on WHEELS.
Godlyness on a STICK (like Jesus)
Hotness in a blue ribbon.
My new revision timetable is here.
Now, many of you may know about my previous revision timetable. It was a small, ugly sonofabitch full of nasty black lines, all black and white and so SO out of FASHION. In fact, I showed it to this man:
... and he said that it was 'old fashioned, tacky, and so not you'. So I suspended him from a bridge by his hair and left the vultures to pick his carcass. The old timetable may have been bad, but I made it, and therefore its about 10000x better than all the fake MDF oak-effect swedish victorian dining tables in the shape of Queen Victoria, decorated with dried leaves and bits of metal found on the street that HE can come up with, the long haired tit. Hahah, Mr Lewlynn (I'm not even going to pretend I know or care how to spell it) Bowen, you have just reached your 16th minute of fame. RINSED.
Um.
But my NEW revision timetable... ho boy. Lets just say, it's SO hot, it is literally in danger of spontaneously combusting. I have a small team of firemen on hand, just to douse it down in case the edges start smouldering. It's a 24 hour job. The heat eminating from this baby is so hot, it's melted their boots and they have to dress in an outfit made of reinforced diamond-compound. It's that damn hot.
Firstly, it's A3 sized. ITS BIG. Bigger than King Kong's cock. Just after jumping into a warm bath. Full of naked lady-monkeys. Attached to my wall now, it glows with a huge spiritual power of its own. I cower under its gaze. I am not worthy to revise properly from it. And do you know how many bits of Blu-Tak were needed to properly affix it to said wall? Not one. Not two. Not, indeed four. Six. No, you're not hearing incorrectly. I did, indeed, say that. SIX motherfuckin' bits of Blu-Tak were needed to attach this daddy to the wall. SIX. Thats like, fuckin', TEN. Nearly. Christ.
And also, it has COLOURS. That immeditately raises it above the level of your common or garden NORMAL revision timetable.
This mofo is in white, black, pink, green AND yellow. All the colours of the rainbow. And there's even a key, which I actually
cut off when I was reducing my timetable into a size that would allow its manliness to reverberate around my room without
taking out the entire house in one sonic boom of manly awesomeness (Oli Gill did this once. After doing 783 sit ups in the
space of a minute, he ate a hunk of steak and flexed his biceps, while growing a huge beard and, in doing so, levelled most of Teddington).
Christ, this song is sending me into a deep coma. It's the Ryan Adams version of 'Wonderwall' (it was on the boatie CD), and so far I've listened to it 7 times on loop AND ITS SO DAMN RELAXING. No, wait, I just looked at my timetable and I'm ready to single-handedly take down the armies of the Third Reich, armed only with a baseball bat, a cigar, and a set of manly wise-cracks.
This timetable, though, is so amazing. It's the sort of timetable GOD would have. Exept without the subjects. Instead, he'd have stuff like:
Create world
Do lots of fancy miracles
Stop doing stuff
Have a rest
Don't show face to world
Pretend that you don't care that nobody believes in you
Stop doing stuff
Appear on some fried toast in Texas; pretend that this makes up for 1000 years of non-miracles
Accept that you have actually been replaced by Jerry Springer
Lose interest
Disappear
Get replaced by McGod, a red demon with a halo of two arches, serving out salads from one hand, and liver cancer from the other
Yeah, man. This is God's revision timetable.
I'm still not planning on revising properly, though.
What do horny cows do on rowing camps? Moosterbate!
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