Man, I am bad. I really am. Guess what I did for an hour and a half today, instead of revising biology (crap... I am screwed for that test)? No, not masturbation, you sick freaks. An hour and a half? How the fuck would that be possible? It would have to be something really sick, like dead person/cassie porn, to get me that uninterested. And if I was that uninterested, I wouldn't spend an hour and a half looking at it, would I?
No. I was not looking at cheap internet porn (although tubgirl.com does have a certain allure). I was making a new banner for this blog.
OH GOD NO! Not a new BANNER! Because basically, I was planning on changing the name. Chainsaw Zombie was getting old; I was thinking of something new. Something fresh. Something that screams I AM A MODERN MAN AND I DEMAND SATISFACTION.
However, I couldn't think of anything of that sort that wouldn't make my blog sound like a male fragrance (which everyone knows, I hate). So I decided, screw it. Instead of a nice fresh thing, I'll just alter the words slightly and include hilarious animal cruelty. Animal cruelty is always great.
And seeing as I've already done in 77 tonnes of cat, here was my first idea:
Mwhahahha. Ha. Ha. Ah, deary me. That took me a good 35 minutes with the ol' Photoshop to find, edit, and stick together. And look at the way that the flames sort of lap around the poor kitten's body. FUCK YEAH. Whoops, I just swore. Oh well, I don't see any kittens around for God to kill.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Egypt:
In the mud hut of a Amun-Ra Bowman, egyptian desert cheiftan, a newly born kitten (tabby) opens its eyes for the first time to survey the world. Warm and comforted, snuggled amongst all its baby brothers and sisters, it feels content. The chieftan regards the cats with warm, loving eyes. Ah, the miracles of nature.
Suddenly, a beeping sound is heard, then a high pitched whine. Amun-Ra's eyes widen as he hears it. He looks to the kittens.
"Oh NO!" He cries (but in French, because his parents were Canadian) "Not again!"
He runs forward, and searches rapidly, desperately, through the kittens, until he finds the one he's looking for; the tabby, emmitting the beeping sound. He picks it up, runs outside holding it at arm's length. The rest of the tribe gawk at him.
"Get down, you fools!" he cries. "It's a live one!" The rest of the nomadic tribe gasp and leap to the floor. Amun-Ra lobs the cat as far in the air as he can, and leaps into a conveniently placed water-trough.
The kitten explodes with a devastating BANG that takes out an unfortunate flock of seagulls that somehow managed to be flying across this mainland part of the Sahara desert. The chieftan checks to see if anyone was hurt. Thankfully, everyone's ok.
"What was it?" asks Amun-Ra's wife, although she knows the answer. Kittens have been exploding in Egypt for the past three weeks. The most recent was in the devastating "Kittenrochema" explosion, in which 500,000 men, women and children were wiped out in one fell swoop.
"Another damn Westerner swore again," says Amun-Ra, feeling the sand under his toes, worrying. Sure, nobody had been hurt this time, but what about the next? The kittens could go off at any time...
So, yeah. That one was good, but not GREAT. The guy's feet seemed a bit melted off to me. So that got me thinking. What other small animals does everyone love? Then it hit me.
And so, with no further ado:
I am pleasingly TWISTED. This is what listening to the Pixies does to me. I should be put back on a diet of Red Hot Chilli Peppers til I love kittens/puppies again. Yes, I know, it's either a really small puppy or a really big hand; I prefer a mixture of the two; a quite small (but not freakishly so - it still could have led a full happy life) dog, and a guy with a really bloody huge hammer.
Aren't the motion effects GREAT? I sure am an artist.
But it still wasn't right. Puppies seem to be such an EASY target. It seems that every film nowadays has somebody drop-kicking a small animal out of a window (eg. Shrek 2, Pirates of the Carribean, American Beauty, Lost in Translation). To really give my site that EDGE, I needed something fresh, an animal that you wouldn't immediately associate with crushing.
A guinea pig? Nah, too medical experimenty.
A llama? Not cute enough.
A pony? Too cute.
A sparrow? Too small/easy to kill. I want something with a bit of MEAT on it.
A monkey? A MONKEY? What kind of sick twisted sonofabeep would want to kill a MONKEY? Do you know where humanity would be if if wasn't for monkeys? DO YOU? You sicken me.
Yeah, so I chose a lamb:
Bully to me. I think I'll stick with Chainsaw Zombie, though. So really, that past hour and this post was a total waste of time. Oh well, ho hum I say. But there is a moral to this story. I'll be damned if I can come up with it, but it's there somewhere.
What would a cow be if it had a long hair and was brown and was about 10000x cooler? A moonkey.
If anyone else thinks of any great animal torture ideas, let me know. This is important stuff, people.
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