EADJ: The Editorial Quality Is Definitely Slipping

 

Yesterday we posted what we thought was an entry that we had forgotten to post, and it turns out we had already posted the damn thing as a makeup post for forgetting to post anything for the first time in the history of EADJ.

Words cannot describe how embarrassed the editorial staff is at this double gaffe, and we assure both of you reading that are working hard to provide you with the best, freshest, most non-redundant content on the blogosphere.

Seacrest out.

DISASTER HAS STRUCK

You  know how we always brag about never missing a single weekday entry in EADJ's six year history, including holidays?

Well, we finally missed one: Memorial Day. Monday, May 28, 2012. Shit.

Not to make excuses, but this reporter had to go into work that day because some shithead scheduled a new business pitch on that Tuesday. So instead of relaxing and throwing in a lazy blog entry (most likely an Ugly Andrew Gall), I was working from 10am-11pm on some shitty presentation, and it never crossed my mind to post something. Anything.

THANKS, WORK, FOR FUCKING UP OUR PERFECT RECORD.

Let's Put Neosporin On The EADJ Mail Sack Without Washing The Wound And Watch It Get Infected Anyway!

Submitted by Matt S.:

"your blog title...immortalized"

Blackberry VI

A mere 37 days after the EADJ Gallery had acquired a fifth invaluable addition to "The Blackberry Face," they witness a holiday miracle in a much sought-after sixth piece to their already impressive collection: "Doug."


"Doug" was donated by an anonymous private collector who discovered him in a West Elm in Paramus, New Jersey. And unlike four of the previous pieces, "Maggie," "Frank," "Tony," and "Edvard," "Doug" is captured off of any mass transit, instead relaxing on a sofa at the front of the store while his wife picks out wall art or vases or some shit.


With a gala opening and ceremony, the EADJ Gallery will reveal its first ever completed hexaptych on January 4 in the Main Gallery and will be free to the public. The Young Artists Juried Show has accordingly been moved to the East Gallery since it wasn't very good to begin with.


Photography and video recording of any kind will be prohibited. Armed guards will be stationed throughout the show. No food or drink is allowed.

:C

A Very Happy Thanksgiving 2011 From EADJ

Once again, we at EADJ wish you and your one friend a happy and healthy Thanksgiving weekend. And like every single weekday since December 2, 2006, we still post something for scores of our readers to enjoy, even on holidays.

Here's an IM convo with Tom Weingard:



Here's a photo of Jay Cohen doing "research" on social media websites:



And here's some clipart of a turkey who doesn't understand what's about to go down:




Don't overeat, you fuckers!

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

A lot of people these days are wondering, "how can I still enjoy dining out while still protecting the environment?" No, actually nobody is thinking that except people with OCD and Rosie O' Donnell. Anyways, here are some helpful ways of how you can eat at restaurants but still keep your carbon footprint to a minimum:

• Tell the girl at McDonald's not to wrap your Quarter Pounder in paper and to instead serve it to you from the small of her back.

• Opt for tap water instead of bottled water. And savor the deliciously pathetic look of disappointment in the waiters' faces when you do.

• If you're ordering tater skins at TGI Fridays, could you save some for me?

• Many fine restaurants whiten their tablecloths and napkins using bleach and chemicals that are bad for the environment. Torch those places.

• When ordering food at a diner, ask the waitress if her establishment has "gone green." Study the expression on her face carefully.

• The restaurant Captain D's uses caustic fluorocarbons in their catfish filets that deplete the ozone layer. I'd order the tilapia instead.

• Save your unused paper napkins and utensils so you can slip them into parked cars whose windows were left open a little bit.

• You'll be happy to know that the guys at Subway wash their hands with biodegradable soap before picking their ass and then making your meatball sub.

• If possible, take actress Eva Green out with you to dinner. Maybe you'll get this joke.

• Ask your maitre 'D to stop his earth-killing ways.

• Smith and Wollensky offers a steak that doesn't contribute to releasing methane into the atmosphere. It's called a salad.

• Save paper by not asking for the check.

EADJ Presents: How To Green A Business

As businesses continue to go greener in order to make customers think they give a shit about the environment, EADJ has compiled a few tips for business owners so that they too can go green:

• Make double-sided copies of your ass instead of single-sided.

• If a business meeting is within walking distance, take a nice walk there instead of calling in drunk.

• Lots of companies have gone paperless with their sexual harassment complaints. You should do that, too, Sugar Tits.

• Turn off lights when they're not in use. Since your business is pretty much failing, it's probably better to just turn everything off.

• When someone sends you an email that at the bottom tells you to "reconsider the environment when printing this email," print it out TWICE, show it to them, and tell them to suck it.

• If she is available, you should hire actress Eva Green as a receptionist. Not only is her last name 'green,' but you can totally see her bush in the movie "The Dreamers."

• Think twice before letting millions of gallons of oil leak into the Gulf of Mexico, permanently damaging the ecosystem and generally being a defiant, unapologetic prick about the whole thing (BP only).

• Compact fluorescent bulbs use about 75% less energy than a traditional incandescent bulb and lasts at least 6 times longer. They'll probably be around longer than even you, Mister Shows-Up-At-10:30.

• Styrofoam is no longer acceptable packing material for packages. Try ham.

• They say Eileen's insufferable "Ei-Day" daily newsletters was a waste of paper and told her to stop. Thank God for that.

• Used coffee grounds from the break room can be recycled as fresh coffee grounds for the interns' break room.

• Using a digital projector during presentations spends an awful lot of electricity. Try keeping your slides to a maximum of one.

• Unplug your computer when in use.

• Try biking to work instead of taking the train or driving. This should increase your commute by about six hours a day!

• When tossing your personal assistant's salad, take a minute to think about what you can do to save the environment.

• Energy, unfortunately, is not equal to time. So you still have to attend all those status meetings.

• Quit your job. Join a commune. Grow hashish and just fucking be.

Happy Halloween From EADJ!

"It's Halloween, everyone!" said Standpipe.


Boom Box On TV was SO PSYCHED!


Bike Lanes were glad.


And Frying Pan was so excited!


Building hated Halloween, so he just ignored it.


High Chair wasn't really into it, either. But whatever.


Neither Door Attachment nor Porch Board were ready for it this year.


Smokestack and Bridge got into the Halloween spirit and helped decorate. They put up...


...a Jack-O-Lantern and...


...two skeletons.


Corner was mildly encouraged by the turnout.


And the costume contest began:


Speaker came as a generic ghost.


Surround Sound Box dressed like a Minion from "Despicable Me."


Garbage Truck came as a catfish.


Rice Cooker had on a great gorilla costume.


Both Recycling Bins and Egg Carton showed up as Ninja Turtles.


18 Wheeler dressed as Frylock from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."


Dashboard came as a convincing angry robot.


Ionic Breeze dressed like Ghost Face from the "Scream" movies.


Designer Chair dressed up as Mr. Mouth, but he kept getting "H.R. Pufnstuf."


60 Year Old Birthday Cake dressed as Cookie Monster.


Train Bathroom Door showed up as an angry Italian giving the finger, but nobody got it.


Escalator Partition dressed as John Goodman.


Dunkin Donuts Rug forgot to show up in costume and felt like an asshole.


Dog Dish showed up in a bad Skeletor costume.


But Stained Glass Window won the prize for their "Grinning Kermit" costume.


Purse went out for a smoke.


Bank Waiting Area was glad to meet so many new people.


Subway Tool Storage Box stood against the wall and kept to himself.


Oven said they didn't get enough candy.


But Water Cooler didn't get any candy.


And as always, Fountain drank too much and got sloppy.


Train Car Lock took too much ecstasy and had to lie down.


iPhone Case wondered who was going to pay for all of this.


Cardboard Box and Broken Hinge both got lost and missed the party entirely.


Cheap Ikea Chair just smiled and enjoyed another successful party.


Sun Roof Attachment was still scared and refused to come down.


Large Capacity Tub said, "Yay! Let's do this again next year!"

Editor's Note: Thanks to Andrew Gall and Emily Kane for their contributions to this.