Words Of Encouragement, For Once

We at EADJ have often been known to break down egos and generally be destructive in anything we ever write or say, but we thought now would be a good time to offer words of encouragement to a random, deserving person. Today, we offer words of encouragement to the random old lady buying Victoria's Secret panties behind my wife:


Yeah, lady. Keep it up. Get those panties. Do what feels right. Don't let anyone tell you you're too old to enjoy a pair of new Very Sexy® Lace-trim Hiphuggers, which are an amazing 3 for $10. Do what you want to do! You're an adult woman– who cares what other people think? Fuck those judgmental assholes!


That's right- buy those panties for yourself! Feel confident and sexy like you should! There is no age limit to feeling fabulous and seductive! Fuck all the haters who think you're too old to enjoy a little lace under that dress. To hell with them! YOU GO, LADY! Buy those naughty undies with the word "PINK" printed on the ass! Exclamation point!

"Lean Somewhere Else, Jagoff."

Pictured above, J'Net attempts to pay for a parking space around some dude who's cold cold lampin'.

Jackasses Are Also Douches

Earlier last month, J'Net bought me these nice, embossed cards to leave on other people's cars:


Just yesterday, I got to use my first. I was trying to pull into a space in a Target parking lot, but this big black SUV had parked almost diagonally with its stupid ginormous back right wheel into my space. I pulled out one of J'Net's cards and placed it under their windshield, but not without removing a cigar stub that someone else had left there (presumably another parker with the same complaint).

After picking up what I needed in the store, I came back out to see some crewcutted dude in mirror shades going to the SUV. I hung back, pretending to be waiting for another ride while I watched him walk behind his car, look at the parking job, then look at the cars on either side. He wasn't messing with my car, so I just waited until he pulled away angrily. Then I went back to my car like the nonconfrontational coward I am.

I've learned two important lessons from this maiden voyage:

1) If you're going to leave one of those cards on a car, don't park next to that car.

2) No matter how hot the weather gets, when leaving a card, do NOT keep your window cracked.



Thanks for giving back card #1, you stogie-chomping asshole! I get to use it again on another of your insufferable kind!

Welcome To My World.

An IM from J'Net, which reminded me of a certain scene in "Lost In Translation:"

My Mom Hates Talking Politics

Here my parents talk real estate, the Unabomber, and the Unabomber's brother. And being the evil shit that I am, I steer the conversation towards politics- which my mother hates- causing her to turn on the radio. Let's watch!

Let's Spray Pam All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

Given to me by J'Net, some nice embossed cards for me to leave on other cars in parking lots around Jersey:


I even read them in her voice.

New Year's Memories

J'Net and I went to Atlantic City for New Year's, and some time after the ball dropped at midnight, we wandering around Caesar's and its conference rooms. We peeked into what looked like the remains of the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance from "Back To The Future."


It was odd, because it was only 1:15 am, and the entire place was cleared out already.


J'Net found some unclaimed photos that I guess people either forgot to pick up or saw and decided not to get. So we grabbed a couple.


Here now are their supposed backstories:


Janie Hidalgo and her imaginary friend Millicent hail from Sioux City, Iowa. Janie is a former court stenographer, and Millicent is an invisible pink moose wearing a sombrero. Although the longtime relationship between Janie and Millicent is based on friendship, in a pinch it has gotten sexual.

Janie declined to pick up this photo because she forgot to smile, and because Millicent blinked.


Doug Borschtein and Larry Umlaut are area residents (and golf buddies) from nearby Cheesequake, NJ but have never visited Atlantic City until today. They only became interested in coming here because Doug started watching "Boardwalk Empire" on HBO and thought it would be neat to see if it really was a crime-ridden hellhole like it's depicted on the show. It is.

Larry did see the photo of them on the board but wisely decided not to grab it, noticing the proximity of dong to Doug.