The Confusing, Terrifying and Tragic World of Ghetto Cereal

All kids love cereal, but because of the bad economy due to a Socialist Muslim President and not because thousands of corporations are outsourcing jobs to cheaper labor overseas, their parents cannot always afford to grab the name brand stuff. Here now is a quick rundown of the versions of your favorites that supermarkets have served up for cheap:

Crisp Crunch

Food Lion decided to demote the Cap'n and turn him into a dinosaur/lizard thing with striped arms, a Harry Potter scar on his nose, a wifebeater and a trendy trucker hat with the supermarket's initials on it. "Crisp" certainly looks less crazy than the Cap'n but looks like he's more comfortable washing dishes or snaking your toilet. Plus he votes Republican.

Alt: "Crisp" is also a hairy turtle who sits in a disco hot tub full of cereal and eats it.

Alt 2: Krunch Heads kept the nautical theme, but their mascot is a seal/hippo thing that never got promoted. Probably because he's too dumb to realize that he's trying to ladle cereal with a tiny spoon.

Fruit Rings

A fruity multicolored toucan has been morphed into a multicolored dragon. "Follow your fire-breathing snout!" doesn't have the same ring to it. Fruit Rings is a pretty lame name, wouldn't you say, Food Lion?

Alt: Toons Fruit Rings uses a hobo clown juggling cereal. Yeah, I want a vagabond train rider touching my breakfast with their bare hands. Thanks.

Alt. 2: Fruity Hoops. Temmy (Temmy?!) opts for another reptilian alternate, an alligator who simply can't wait for the milk to finish pouring before diving in. Fucking chill, man!

Berrry Treets

The Cap'n gets another shore leave as he's replaced by a red bear/dinosaur creature who can't spell for shit.

Frosted Flakes

It's a good thing that "Frosted Flakes" isn't copyrighted, because that allows supermarkets to simply swap the tiger out for a lion and confuse customers into buying their version.

Magic Stars

Lucky the Leprechaun is swapped out for a fat genie in a bathrobe, who also has magical powers and has a piercing he'd like to show you when you have the time. No thanks, Star Man.

Apple Dapples

Once again, Food Lion throws a dragon in there from a lack of imagination. No, wait. Is that a green rhino? Putting the cereal on his valuable, much-poached front horn? Okay, that is adorable.

KOO-KIES!

Everybody knows that raccoons like sorting through garbage cans, looking for half eaten chicken bones or cantaloup rinds and not minding touching used maxi pads. This raccoon (who apparently really liked the Charlotte Hornets) gets his filthy, disgusting claws all over cereal in the shape of cookies. 

Cocoa Crunchies

Trading in Sonny, an apoplectic bird for a friendlier, huggable gorilla seems to have paid off, almost every box of Coca Crunchies has been lapped up. Good on ya, Food Lion!

Confruity Crisp

Jesus Lord. I know Food Lion wanted to stay prehistoric with a Fruity Pebbles knock-off, but this mutant velociraptor stirring the bowl makes me want to scream and stomp on it. And "Confruity?!" I'm really confruited by that name.

Honorable Mentions

"Am I Buzz Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios? No, but I get that a lot. Instead, I'm Brazzers Bee, and I like unloading white milk all over your honey balls. Hey, where are you going?"

Look. Somebody ran the comp.

Cow turds. That was a poor choice. Or are those giraffes? Giraffe turds.

Monkey turds. (Temmy?!)

Sweet Flakes confuses both Frosted Flakes customers and fans of Froot Loops. (Temmy?!)

A drunk frog dips his dick into your rice crisps, baby.

(Temmy?!)

The Official Death of a Hip Hop Term

Once upon a time, not long ago, the term "swagger" had some pull in the hip-hop world.



And in another universe, the backs of Special K cereal used language familiar to most 50 year old moms.


But one day, that term showed up on one of the cereal labels:


What the hell? Why would a dorky cereal company decide to go to 'da club' and use such a street term? Yes, I realize the word already existed in the English language before it was common in rap songs. But you gotta wonder why the Kellogg company thought fit to use "swagger" alongside the word "pizazz." Or maybe Stephanie P. is just a really big hip-hop fan.

I blame Ke$ha. For a lot of things.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Kix Cereal

Hey Kix Cereal, FUCK YOU.


Ever since I was a little kid, Kix Cereal, your box has grabbed my attention with wacky, fun looking lettering and bright colors, promising a fun and sugar-filled Saturday morning. WRONG.

Let me just say that there is NOTHING fun about you as a cereal. Kix is basically Trix with all the coloring and sugar sapped out of it: small, beige round pieces that aren't even big enough to make a satisfying crunch. I'm sure this is the shit they palm off on the Trix Rabbit whenever he comes round Jonesing for the good stuff.


"Kid-Tested, Mother Approved" is the slogan they've been touting for decades. Notice they never said "Kid-Approved" or "Kid-Appreciated." Instead, they "tested" this stuff on kids like they're guinea pigs in some insidious government experiment about the opposite of fun. And for those of you who like your boring with berry taste, try new Berry Berry Kix! It's the same amount of disappointment and ennui-in-a-bowl, but with the faint flavor of berry to further frustrate you!

Kix, go to hell and suck m'balls.