This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

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This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Two giant confused pimps trash a city while hookers with waistlines the size of a toddler's wrist earn their daddies more twenties.

Dolla Boy demonstrates his namesake with cash pouring out of a refrigerated truck (not an armored truck) accompanied by a terrifying carnation arrangement in the shape of Joan Rivers.

So the rapper's name is Rocko. What is the laziest association we can make with something that's already well-known? Oh, and can we have a big ass hanging over a box of baking soda? That would be great. Sad cartoon turtle.

Remember to use spellcheck, DJ Pexclusivez, DJ Tazmania, and DJ Rell.

Where to begin? Uh, pass.

Nothing is more gangsta than a pensive Nicolas Cage movie about coming to terms with your place in the world.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"A lion with dreads holding a gun behind a stack of gold bars is stupid. So let's have two of them."


Hey, since Gucci Mane just lazily slaps dumb rhymes about bitches and cars on beats, let's lazily slap his head, tats, and chains on top of Mark Wahlberg's body in the movie poster for "Contraband" . Who cares if it makes Gucci Mane look like he's got crippling back problems?


"Okay, so your hip-hop name is Smoke, right? Well, Smoke is also the name of a professional-grade online editing and finishing system for broadcast by Autodesk. There's also a motion graphics and compositing software by Adobe called After Effects, and it would be really clever if you named your album 'After Effect.' No, trust me, it's cool."


Wow. Just wow.


If you're going to do a riff on the flag of California, why would you replace the bear with Oscar the Grouch? And why does he have shades on? Has he been smoking up, too? Too many questions, Game.


(I posted a comment here, then erased it, then posted another, then erased that one, realizing there's no comment that could make this album cover any more enjoyable)

The Official Death of a Hip Hop Term

Once upon a time, not long ago, the term "swagger" had some pull in the hip-hop world.



And in another universe, the backs of Special K cereal used language familiar to most 50 year old moms.


But one day, that term showed up on one of the cereal labels:


What the hell? Why would a dorky cereal company decide to go to 'da club' and use such a street term? Yes, I realize the word already existed in the English language before it was common in rap songs. But you gotta wonder why the Kellogg company thought fit to use "swagger" alongside the word "pizazz." Or maybe Stephanie P. is just a really big hip-hop fan.

I blame Ke$ha. For a lot of things.

The Merits of Coochie, Cash & Cougars Versus Paper, Pussy & Purp: An Analysis

Two different hip hop mixtape organizations have come out with releases that have attracted the attention of music critics across the blogosphere. Much like "Dante's Peak" versus "Volcano" in 1997, or "Antz"' versus "A Bug's Life" in 1998, the simultaneous release of similar material causes confusion, so we at EADJ will break down the main differences for you here:

"Coochie, Cash & Cougars" is presented by No Line Gang, featuring rapper Levi Leer. "Paper, Pussy & Purp," however, is brought to you by DJ Winn, DJ Shure Fire & DJ Smallz, featuring rapper Skroodle.


Although the titles of the two mixtapes are similar, there is a difference in emphasis. Levi Leer chose to start off with Coochie, mention Cash second, and then finish with Cougars. Skroodle took a different approach by mentioning finances first (Paper) then quickly mentioning Pussy and ending with the all-important Purp. What's interesting in the former is that one assumes "Coochie" to mean "women," but when there is mention of "Cougars," you suddenly have to reevaluate what "Coochie" means: Drugs? Respect? Luckily, Levi Leer clarifies this confusion at 1:03 in his intro, wherein he states outright, "I love coochie/ I love cash/ and I love old bitches." This means Leer has foregone the mention of dealing with drugs entirely, opting instead to mention women and older women as two different quantities. Ostensibly, this is to present Leer as a shrewd businessman as well as a ladies man versus being a common street hustler.


It's already very clear what Skroodle is talking about in his mixtape title, but he cleverly adds ghosted texture within the letterforms themselves to remove any lingering doubt; even the most inexperienced hip-hop listener can now tell that Paper means dollars and that Purp refers to marijuana. And to tie it all together, he has designated the ampersand to contain his likeness. Skroodle is no stranger to playing with type– his name on the cover is simply the House Industries Playhouse font with a pair of handcuffs as the O's and a pistol for the L.


"Coochie Cash & Cougars" posts a warning at the bottom that the content within is "For Bad Bitches Only," further reinforcing Levi Leer's preference for women (perhaps too much?). "Paper Pussy & Purp" simply displays a stamp at the bottom: "Certified Hood Entertainment," letting potential listeners know that this mixtape has been officially endorsed by 'hood regulators.



Final Analysis: Even though both mixtapes are free to download here and here, respectively, you'll be hard pressed to find worse Lil' Wayne-wannabe autotuning than "CC&C" and meandering bush-league southern slangin' than "PP&P."

Lil' Wayne Tattoos You May Not Know About

If you're a fan of Lil' Wayne or terrible hip hop, you may know that "Weezy" has over the years covered himself in all matter of tattoos. But probably less famous than his "Fear" and "God" eyelid tats or black teardrops are the following tattoos and their locations:

• The Allied Van Lines logo (inside left elbow)

• Stipple portrait of actor Anthony Edwards crying (thigh)

• Reproduction of Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" on his nuts

• A Star of David wearing shades and making the "thumbs up" sign (right wrist)

• At least 3 renderings of gyro meat spools (neck, knee, right palm)

• The In-N-Out Burger secret menu (chin)

• An up-to-date tally of all the corny rhymes he's written (inside left eyelid)

• A "Magic Eye" likeness of Gucci Mane regretting his stupid ice cream cone face tattoo (inside right cheek)

• Four extra nipples

• Registration marks (bottom of left foot)

• Aquaman's real name (Arthur Curry) - unknown location

• The Snorks tattoed inside his left nostril

• The molecule for beryllium (behind left ear)

• The name "Jorge Bustamente," even though he has yet to meet anyone with that name (dick)

• "R.I.P. Chandra Levy" (above navel)

This Here's Another Edition of Hip Hop Awfulness

Dwane and Sweazie were too tired for the photoshoot, so they just painted eyes on their eyelids.


Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Betty White all up in the VIP room, y'all!


Sometimes these captions simply take away from the comedy.


Tiger Blood. Charlie Sheen. Very timely. Too bad the digital artist only had bottles of Cinnamon Lavoris as reference.


Again, what I said about these captions.


Bet you'd never see Jessica Tandy on the cover of a hip hop mixtape.


Likening yourself to Superman is a common theme in hip hop. But this goes one step further and depicts K-Rino as a giddy Kal-El, happily finding refuge after his home planet of Houston, Texas has exploded. Yay, survival!


I included this because there is absolutely nothing wrong with this album cover.

Introducing: The EADJ Facebook Defriender

*** INSERT COIN ***


CREDIT 01


START

When it comes to Facebook postings, we at EADJ we believe in the "3 Strikes" rule; everyone gets several passes when it comes to posting stupid stuff on their Walls. But even we have our limits, which is why we've started the EADJ Facebook Defriender: a way for us to prune the tree of digital friendship when certain branches get annoying as shit.

This first pruning is our friend K_______ from ___________, who we know from _________. We posted some time ago when we noticed that K_______ uploaded very sexualized drawings of Betty Boop as their profile pic, in addition to posting every Farmville acquisition or horoscope she got daily. That's strike one.


Recently, they decided to post every music video that Nickelback ever produced. All at once.





Strike two. Then ON THE SAME DAY, when they ran out of Nickelback, they started posting music videos by Creed:


Fucking UNACCEPTABLE.


Auf Wiedersehen, K_______! Don't let the door hit your creepy cartoon ass on the way out!



GAME OVER

More Hip Hop Album Cover Awfulness

Album: "Dirty Sprite, The Mixtape" by Future
Why It's Awful: Sprite? Really? Oh, wait a minute- it's DIRTY Sprite, so that's real street. My mistake.


Album: "Hatin' Don't Play" by H.W.A.
Why It's Awful: Okay, so when you're chubby like a 6-year old, and you wear athletic gear and baggy clothes like a 6-year old, you'd think you would avoid playing in the street like a 6-year old. Go to your room and think about what you've done. Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.


Album: "Money Everywhere" by Pooh Sauce
Why It's Awful: Okay, what self respecting worker would position his desk IN FRONT of the bank vault? You're eventually going to have to move the desk if someone wants to access it. And is Pooh Sauce on the phone while checking ANOTHER phone? Or does he have his finger in his ear? And don't even get me started on the name Pooh Sauce. And is that Noah's Ark in the reflection of the chrome letters? Pooh Sauce.


Album: "The Tonite Show" by Yukmouth
Why It's Awful: Nothing says "street" like Jay Leno and an unfunny talk show whose main demographic is over 50 years old.