Lobsterfest® Doesn't Forgive You For Your Sins

We at Red Lobster pride ourselves on our commitment to keep a good thing going, and Lobsterfest® is certainly one of those really good things. We tell ourselves every morning how lucky we are to not only be alive in these exciting times, but also are thrilled at every new way that we have to serve lobster bits to you hungering masses. Here now (with some help from Andrew Gall) are the latest menu offerings for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Special lobster bibs made from the finest silk will be draped from your neck. A man with a clear shot at you from across the room will fling a lobster at your mouth at a speed of about 120 mph. If everything goes well, you will enjoy some delicious lobster at a super-fast speed, all without soiling our very expensive lobster bibs, which we've obviously poured a lot of money into. That there is some neat way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Using your smartphone, you can order our Wood-Grilled Lobster with BBQ Glaze by texting WGSHRWBBQG to 044020, Crunchy Potato-Crusted Lobster by texting SRCHPTTCRSTLBST to 044021, or Garlic Lobster Scampi by texting GRLCLBSTERSCMPI to 044022. And don't forget the Coconut Lobster Bites! Just text FUCKYOURMOTHERIWANTSOMECOCONUTLOBSTERBITES to 044023! Standard text messaging rates apply. Some serious high-tech way here to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A bounty hunter named Huzz is hired by our corporate office to find you. Once he does, he will tranquilize you and drag your sorry ass to our restaurant. Our manager will waken you with a slap across your stupid face, demanding to know why you haven't come to our restaurant yet after seeing all the advertisements we ran on the television programs that you watch. You will notice that Huzz is rubbing his erection under his pants. See? That seems to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsterfest becomes a Facebook war game that no one plays, probably due to poor reach from the assorted Facebook ads featuring a lobster wearing a beanie. Internal arguments abound, and the whole Lobsterfest marketing and PR teams get canned. Once the dust settles, that account executive that never did anything but order cupcakes for meetings gets to come up with an entirely new PR strategy on his own. And that, it can be assumed, is another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We promote Lobsterfest as a new national holiday. Drum circles form. People tell people. A MOVEMENT is created! People embrace the day of celebration with copious amounts of food and drink, and everyone gets along, swinging and swaying merrily with our patented “On Lobster, oh lobster™” refrain. The next day, everyone wakes up and wonders what the fuck they were thinking last night. And that might just be another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, depending on your time zone.

Sometimes Lobsterfest Just Wants You To Lobsterfest

Red Lobster's juggernaut Lobsterfest® chugs on like a bloated, hairless freight train of meat, and if you haven't caught the action yet, there's still plenty of ways to enjoy the amazing lobster-filled delicacies we're offering this week! Try these latest ways (with some help from Andrew Gall):

• We hold a special “dinner and a show event” titled “My Dinner with Lobster.” Each table enjoys the pleasure of a lobster conveying all of his or her problems through a series of clicks. The lobster winds up becoming so comfortable in a diner’s company he or she begins to over-share, bringing up that one time in the park. Afterwards, everyone enjoys the therapeutic feeling that hey, we’ve all got problems! And that’s just another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A 30-megaton bomb filled with deadly radiation, cornbread and some lobster meat is dropped in the middle of a major metropolitan area near you. Survivors of the blast are given the grave responsibility of rebuilding their civilization with whatever has withstood the bombing but have the luxury of eating nothing but delicious, buttery lobster and cornbread! Okay, that seems like another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A man, a plan, a canal, Lobsterfest®!

• We hire Grammy-winning recording artist Nelly to accompany you and your family to the restaurant, where he orders "Lobsterr" for all of you, even though your mother clearly and emphatically stated she just wanted a salad. Now, doesn't that sound like a terrific, delicious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We shout the praises of Lobsterfest from the rooftops in the form of our very own spokesperson, Mr. Lobster Shingles! Mr. Lobster Shingles (hereafter referred to as MLS—catchy!) storms the lobster-imbibing scene nightly, singing and generally tap dancing about the restaurant. When it looks like a patron is done with his or her plate of succulent lobster, that’s when MLS takes charge, calling attention to said patron with a dance and shimmy best described as “inspiring.” Each time, the MLS spectacle ends with a chant, making the patron feel so bad, he or she will finish the lobster without another word. Oh, and MLS happens to have authentic shingles strapped to his shoulders. Just another way to enjoy delicious lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!