... well when it comes to cinema choices, they are. Picture the scene: We are at the cinema. Everybody except me wants to see Hitch. I am the only voice of reason with my cry: "Let's see Constantine! Constantine!"
But NOOOO. Here are a list of reasons given to watch Hitch:
It has Will Smith in it.
It, uh, has Will Smith in it.
It's on a bit later on.
It sounds like shit (although this was from Roxxxay who honestly, isn't the sharpest tool in the proverbial shed. SHE HAS A MCFLY WRIST-BAND. I rest my proverbial case)
Steve doesn't like films based on her life.
WILL SMITH
So we went to see Hitch, or, as I like to call it, the magical minority circus. I swear, every character in this film was a minority. Even the other male lead was fat. In fact, the only white people were the evil, nasty pig of a man and the uptight evil editor. Yeah, great. I'm not necessarily a racist, but STOP CASTING TOKEN MINORITIES IN EVERYTHING. I mean, they're remaking the Wizard of Oz with fuckin' Beyonce playing Dorothy. ARGH. Positive fuckin' discrimination is so stupid. Everybody needs a slap.
So back to my previus point... HITCH IS CRAP. Constantine would have been better any day. AND HERE'S WHY. I shall compare them on the many points:
Titles
Hitch: Yeah, sound like a wedding sound. Change one letter, and you get Itch. What makes you itch? That's right, genital leprosy. Therefore, Hitch is just a giant STI. Great fuckin' film there, you're named after genital maggots. Nice. Niiiiiiiiiice.
Constantine: One word title, quite cool sounding. If you change one letter, you get Cuntstantine. Hahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahah. See, that is FUNNY.
Main actor
Hitch: Will Smith. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He plays a wide range of roles: cheeky comic chappy, uh, black guy, angry, and, uh, cheeky comic chappy. In Hitch, he plays cheeky comic chappy, but with an added 'lame' twist. Also a musician. A rapper. Well, not a real rapper. He sings about nice things, ie butterflies, kittens, and booying down. Not to mention that his song was called 'Big Willy Style'. Kind of like a motto for www.imafuckingpoof.com chatrooms. And, really, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was a fuckin' pussy. He kept learning valuable life lessons. Who likes valuable life lessons? NOBODY. Morons.
Constantine: Keanu Reeves. Ok, he may not be the greatest actor in the world (he usually just does confused, angry, stunned,
or an odd mixture of the three... consangrunned) but, come on, he does have a certain cool level. I mean, playing the right character, which is 'confused hacker/slacker/vampire hunter who says 'woah' a lot', he's quite groovy. He also plays in a fock band called Dogstar. I don't know how good this band is, but for fucks sake. At least it's not wuss rap (no swearing?) called 'giant penis fasion' or whatever. Rock = cool. Lame wussy non-swearing rap music = lamer than the boat club dinner. And, at the end of the day, Bill (or Ted, I can't remember which one he was) could totally the Fresh Prince's Shit.
Main character
Constantine: A demon hunting hardass motherfucker with lung cancer, who takes no shit from nobody. Instead of normal weapons, he has crusifix carved knuckledusters, cross shaped shotguns and A HAND HELD FLAMETHROWER. Dude.
Hitch: Some ponce called Hitch whose job involves poncing about making people fall in love with each other. Seriously, who the hell are you, Cupid? You moron. Instead of normal genitalia, he has a massive vagina. Because HE'S SUCH A WOMAN.
Storyline
Constantine: Uh, there are these demons and shit, and Constantine has to, you know, kill them. And Satan turns up, but Constantine ruins his shit.
Hitch: Uh, there's this fat guy and... uh... Hitch sets him up with people, and then there's this other woman who he falls in love with AND WHO CARES? SERIOUSLY. It's totally pointless. THERE IS NO PLOT. I can't remember the name of any of the characters, I don't give a shit about your problems and really, you're all twats. Ooh, you can't fall in love? Fuck you. Constantine has lung cancer, and he doesn't whinge about it. No, he just keeps smoking away.
I WANT A JML IRONING BOARD COVER! And I want it NOW.
Women
Constantine: Rachel Weitz who, despite having a jewish sounding name (therefore making her a perfect bride for Omer) is fitter than a spring bean.
Hitch: Some latino woman who was only cast because the studio's wouldn't accept the idea of a white woman and a black man getting together. So, yeah, well done, bitch, you got the role because of your skin colour. Well bloody done.
Violence
Constantine: DUDE. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY WEAPONS THERE ARE IN IT? HE'S HOLDING A SHOTGUN ON THE DAMN POSTER.
Hitch: Oooh, look at me, I'm Will Smith and I'm all camp and gay and I just want everybody to fall in love and be happy and gay and we'll all dance about in a circle la di da di da look at me tee hee hee now I'm off to shower posies over my head la di da look at me IM A TWAT.
Just kill somebody already, Will.
In case you didn't know, I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN CONSTANTINE.
Grr. And the most annoying thing? The entire damn cinema was filled with people watching Hitch, and they laughed their fat arses off at each HILARIOUS BIT. Such as this comedy GEM: Hitch looks through a curved peep show and, eh, his head is, hhahhahahaha, his head is, oh god, this is classic, his head is all BULGY because of the curvature of the glass. BECAUSE HE'S LOOKING THROUGH A PEEPHOLE. OH GOD, STOP ME LAUGHING, MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING.
I need to punch something, fast. Where's Zippy?
Honorary zombie killer: Hitch. Well, when I say honourary zombie killer, I mean 'guy we strip naked, tie up, cover in tenderising sauce then throw to the hungry undead'.
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