Tuesday, March 15, 2005

TV Choice

Tonights TV choices: Crimewatch and Super Size Kids

Crimewatch
I love this show. It is so damn FUNNY. The way they look really serious all the time, and act like it's really really serious. I mean, come on, Nandos got robbed. Who gives a shit? Not ME. I was far more interested in the hit and run. They brought in the woman's two daughters, who were both about 60, talked and looked like MEN. And the WAY they bigged up the mother. It was hilarious. Seriously it was like this:

Ugly Sister No.1: Well, we are absolutely devastated.
Ugly Sister No.2: DEVASTATED.
Ugly Sister No.1: We lost our mother.
Ugly Sister No.2: OUR MOTHER. She was run over.
Ugly Sister No.1: And left for dead in the gutter.
Ugly Sister No.2: You wouldn't even do that to an ANIMAL.
Ugly Sister No.1: And we haven't just lost our mum.
Ugly Sister No.2: Our aunts have lost their sister.
Ugly Sister No.1: Our children have lost their nan...
[They then go on to mention EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE family relationship to this poor woman]
Ugly Sister No.2: AND OUR DAD.
Ugly Sister No.1: He is very upset. In fact, I think he might die.
Ugly Sister No.2: DEVASTATED.

It went on like this.
Anyway. More fun bits about Crimewatch:

Watching how the Presenters randomly walk across the studio for no reason whatsoever.
Rating the rape victims in the reconstructions, then giving them a rating from 1-10. (1 is YOU SICK RAPIST FREAK and 10 is HIGH FIVE THAT MAN)
Actually, the reconstructions FULL STOP.
The criminal hall of fame, with photographs of evil, evil men who, uh, attempted to steal money from Lloyd's TSB but were caught.
The list of moronic criminals who:
a: Steal activated security cameras
b: Steal the money, then lock themselves out of the room with the money

I LOVE THIS SHOW. It's funny.

Super-Sized Kids
It was about, uh, fat kids. And we were supposed to pretend that we cared about their plight. Ooh, fat-boy Fatty wants to lose a stone?
HERE'S A HINT. PUT DOWN THE FORK. FACE!
(Apologies to Family Guy). But seriously, this guy just sits and whinges about how hard it is to lose weight. Ooh, boo bloody hoo. Do I CARE that you're a human shut-in? Uh, no. Why should I have to cheer when somebody goes from being morbidly obese, to being slightly less obese? I SHOULDN'T.
I DON'T CARE THAT THE FAT GIRL CAN'T GET A BOYFRIEND. SHE'D PROBABLY EAT HIM IF SHE DID. And then, she loses like half a pound and starts blubbing on about how her life has changed dramatically. Uh, WHAT? You're still the whale woman, you fat 13 year old bitch.

The funniest bit of this show was this fatty-girl bowling. I COULDN'T TELL HER APART FROM THE BALL. Tee hee hee. Spray paint her purple and she's Veruca Salt.

Mwhahahaha. Oh yeah. One more thing. OGG HAS GENITAL WARTS. Wicked beans.

Zombie killer: A big fat fuck of a kid.

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