Hahhaha. I should have named the blog Chainsaw McZombie. It's just funnier on SO many levels. Oh, wait. Yeah.
Although I actually know the writer (ha) and attended a preview screening of both DOD and TWINE (double ha, you twats) I will admit that pretty much every Bond film after Tomorrow Never Dies (I liked it) has been pretty dump. They usually go like so:
1: Bond does something heroic in the opening section.
2: Lame opening sequence full of computer generated breasts.
3: Lots of lame political maneuvering, with Bond looking confused and waiting to bust some heads.
4: Bond busts some heads.
5: Introduce lame villain. THE PREVIOUS FEW BOND VILLAINS (with the exception of that guy who could shoot electricity out of his hands) have all been lame. I mean... a WOMAN? What the hell was that? I mean, she was never even a credible threat. Can you imagine Bond getting the shit kicked outta him by a girl (for an example of what this would look like, watch Jackass: The Movie). And Robbie Coltrane... ooh a scary bald guy. He feels no pain, because he was shot in the head? Ooh, big deal. He could be fucking superman, doesn't change the fact that he is a slaphead.
With the exception of 47 from Hitman, Pete Postlethwaite and, I'm sure, some others, bald people are not scary or threatening: FACT
4: Bond has a HILARIOUS interview with Q, or R, or whatever, full of hilarious quips. R then gives him his fancy things, which Bond will use exactly once. "Now this is a specially built thing SO DON'T BREAK IT, WHATEVER YOU DO." Bond will break it later on.
6: Introduce lame Bond Girl, who will always be 'feisty', 'sassy', or 'fully capable of taking care of herself.' Why do producers/scriptwriters thing that having a heroine who can take care of herself is some revolutionary idea? For Christ's sake, every film since the 90's has had feisty heriones who can take care of themselves. It. Is. Not. Revolutionary. It. Is. Annoying. You know what would be good? Casting a blonde bimbo who gets trapped in cages all the time and screams like a pansy for Bond to save her. You know who would be perfect? Kim Bauer from 24. I swear that bitch gets held hostage every other hour. I mean, come on. In this series of 24 I'm watching so far, she has been:
Held hostage by an evil husband.
Held hostage by him again.
Been arrested.
Trapped in a bear trap being menaced by wildcats.
Locked in a bunker with a psychopath.
Held at gunpoint god knows how many times.
Held hostage by an evil Mexican in a conveniance store.
And every fucking time somebody else saves her. Useless cunt. Yeah, so she should be the new Bond girl. Or, even better, the sacrificial lamb who gets fed to sharks. How come nobody ever gets fed to sharks any more? What, aren't sharks good enough for you pussies now? They probably replaced the sharks with fuckin' CGI spiders in the new one. I dunno.
7: Have a car chase, possibly with INVISIBLE CARS. And, as the film is sponsored by BMW, don't actually damage any of the cars. WHATEVER YOU DO. Don't want to piss off the sponsors just for the sake of a little thing like, uh, artistic integrity.
8: Have some other shit happen.
9: Have a big confrontation. Have Bond kill the enemy in an exciting and original way. How come Bond never just beats his enemy to death any more? He used to do it all the time back in the Connery days.
10: Have a cute thing with Bond making out with his feisty Bond girl, and then cut to the credits with some lame techno-rock piece by a band that will most probably go under as soon as people realise that they were lame enough to do the Bond theme. Cos, yeah, everybody always associates James Bond with techno-rock. You people sicken me.
If I had my way, these films would be a helluva lot different. And HEY, GUESS WHAT? I'M THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. So, with no further ado:
My Bond film. Title: Death by Suavenesisity
Scene 1: Ok, it's in MI6, and Bond is given his assignment: Stop somebody from blowing up something important.
Scene 2: Somebody tries to blow up the important thing. This guy is a ninja, complete with long fuckin' Samurai sword. Bond leaps out of nowhere and beats the shit outta this guy for about ten minutes.
Scene 5: Bond meets with Q, who gives him his weaponary: some knuckledusters, a baseball bat, and a flash suit full of knives.
Scene 3: Introduce the baddie. Um. It's an evil King of some foreign country called, uh, Lord Baddy. To emphasise the fact that he's evil, he'll be blowing up puppy dogs, ordering the arsony of orphangages, and having sex with two year olds all in the first ten seconds. He then orders that Bond be killed to his head henchman, a 9ft tall Voodoo Samurai Clown called, uh, Luc Bessony (Note: No similarity to the French Film director).
Scene 4: Bond, following up on a lead, goes to a nightclub. The bouncers won't let him in, so Bond, thinking quickly, beats them both to death with a two by four he finds in a back alley. Bond goes into the club. The DJ is playing annoying music, so Bond switches off the mains electricity, then shoots him in the spine. Then Bond schmoozes with two girls: One is feisty, the other is a silly bimbo. Then BAM Luc Besson and his army of ninja clowns burst into the club with miniguns and give the place a good sprayin'. The feisty girl gets CUT IN TWO.
Scene 5: Something else happens. Somebody gets fed to pirhanas, or sharks, or a very weird pirhana/shark combination called Shirhanas. Somebody with a hook for a hand turns up.
Scene 6: The writer (me) loses interest, so Bond winds up in the King Bad or whatever's castle fortress. After being tortured for a good ten minutes, he knuckledusts his way out of that situation, before busting along to the pre-boss chamber. He kicks Luc Besson in the head, shattering his skull, then defenestrates him.
Scene 7: Bond finds King Bad, throws him down some stairs, then proceeds to beat the living shit out of him for A FULL HOUR of film.
Scene 8: Bond loses interest in this, dynamites King Bad, then flies off on his helicopter, JUST as the island fortress mysteriously exlodes. SERIOUSLY. What sort of dipshit evil villain has a base that can be blown up with a flick of a switch? What happens if the cleaner accidentally turns it on? Very bad planning.
Scene 9: Bond kills some zombies. Zombies are always damn good.
Can I be bothered with this any more? Uh, no.
Honorary zombie killer: James Bond, bitches.
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