Wednesday, May 11, 2005

And now, some fashion advice

Now, before I start this, I just want to point out something: I am RUBBISH at fashion. Clothes. Hair. ANYTHING. I mean, at this very point in time, I'm wearing my little brother's fisherman hat so I look like the killer from I Know What you did Last Summer, some very fetching yellow rowing lycra, and a battered pair of A6 shoes with holes in them. Yes, I shall repeat that gem in bold: A6 Shoes. Shit, man, A6 shoes are shoes for either professional atheletes who don't care about looking stupid, or blind men with no feet who just want something for their dogs to chew. To date, I am neither, yet I wear A6 shoes.

Why do I do this? I guess that it will be one of the great unsolved mysteries of time. Why don't I wear Nike? Well, that one's a bit simpler to explain: I don't want to wear Nike after seeing the way that it has engulfed the soul of dear Ogg. I don't know what the main reason for his current spiritual ineptitude is: but it's a tossup between Steve (oh, how I rue that name) and Nike... bitch.

So, now you see my lack of fashion sense. I know nothing of this stuff. And yet, I am about to give some fashion advice. It is very simple. Even the most simple dullard will be able to understand it. And yet, I am going to write it out in bold. With capital letters. And italics. And, hey, fuckit, underlined too. Just to get my fucking point across. And here it is. The first, last, and ONLY non fleece related fasion point that you will ever see on this blog. Enjoy:

GIRLY HAIR ON MALES NEVER FUCKING WORKS. NEVER.

Christ. There's this stupid tit in my school, year above, who's grown his hair to shoulder length length. And it's long and silky and luxuriant. Probably from all the moisturiser and conditioner that he probably pours into it Every Day, and the 100 brushes with a comb he probably gives it each night before bedtime. Fuck, he probably STRAIGHTENS IT. And then he walks down the corridor, stroking his long silky hair (silky is the operative word here), flicking it gayly (emphasis on the gay) over his shoulders as he goes. And you know what? He looks like a poof. I mean, I'm not anti-gay. I once saw a gay person in the street. Well, I couldn't be sure, but he did look quite gay. I mean, he was wearing the 'I'm gay' t-shirt (for those not in the know, its a tshirt that all gay people wear. It says 'I'm gay in pink letters on the back. It's sort of like the 'Doc Martens and mullet' code for lesbians).
But, argh. This guy's hair was SO irritating. If I'd had a pair of scissors/a decent chainsaw to hand, I seriously would have considered taking out a hunk, then decided against it and looked sad.

What is the current trend of males growing their hair really long? I mean, is it to make some sort of statement? Ooh, look at me, I'm anti-authority, I grow my hair long to BREAK ALL YOUR RULEZ. And I spelt rules with a z to indicate my bad boy status. But if everybody's growing their hair long and The Man hasn't thrown you all in jail, how is it a symbol of anti-authoritarism? It seems to me to bit a bit more pro-sheepism. And ANYWAY, what sort of retarded political statement is your hairstyle? Hair is, by definition, a heap of dead genetic material on top of your head. Get that... dead genetic material. It has no purpose. And the first person who can give me a good example of a famous figure who managed to shake up the political system with his haircut, please come to the front. Oh yeah, I'm sure Ghandi would have done SO much better if he'd just had a nice mullet. And Martin Luthor King? A nice set of dreadlocks would REALLY have set off his look.

Dipshits.

In fact, while I'm on the subject of hair, here are a few more things that are worthy of being cricket-batted:
Bleach... if you want to be a blonde (like me, mwahaha)... go back in time and fuck with your own genes. If not, shut up, be brunette, and be boring.
Curly hair... I don't know, its just annoying.
Red hair... like really coppery... there's some twat in the year below who wanders around as though his hair isn't the most offensively annoying thing ever. I don't know what the solution is that doesn't break the 'bleach' rule. I dunno... drink a bottle of the stuff?

Yeah, but back to my main point: Long hair is stupid. Just stop trying to set some pointless political message, get a fucking haircut and find a different way to be interesting. You are NOT a hippie, your hair is not groovy, anti-authoritarian or shaking up of systemy. The only good case of long hair is the Gillster, and that's just cos he's black and his hair has managed to find a way of breaking the laws of gravity, like some sort of magical ball of black... hair.

And so, in conclusion, here are two of the manliest men around who will say the final words on this subject:



I win... as usual.

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