The wheel by the Thames goes round and round...

Round and round, round and round...
The wheel by the Thames goes round and round...
But nobody went to the Dome.

I went to The London Eye today. And man, it was as incredible as last time. I mean, WOW. I could see ALL of London. It was literally, INCREDIBLE. Like, ALL OF IT. ALL OF LONDON. I SAW ALL OF LONDON. FROM A POD. IN a huge ferris wheel. Seriously, I took one look at all those buildings and I swear to God, I nearly wet myself.

Ok, FINE. I was bored. Here is a list of the fun you can have in a London Eye pod:
Look up at the pod above and hope that there's a fit girl wearing a skirt
Lean heavily on the door marked Do Not lean on this door
Take photos of other people's children
Leave your bag on the bench in the middle, safe in the knowledge that someone is unlikely to steal it and run off
Look down at the pod below and hope that there's a fit girl wearing a low cut top
Film Ogg running and jumping at the door marked Do Not lean on this door
Take photos of the back of Ogg's head with buildings sticking out of his head
Make loud exclamations of the signs of rusting/cracks/wires breaking in the arms of the pod

Yeah, so most of it involves winding people up and ignoring important security advice.
But this brings me quite smoothly to my next point. They checked our bags on the way in. Hear me? THEY CHECKED OUR BAGS. Just in case I had, uh, a nuclear bomb that I wanted to set off. So yeah, they had a look inside, then scanned it with their little metal detectors, then asked me if I had anything sharp. I said no. Actually, here were the contents of my bag, and ways that I could have used them to murder someone:

A hoodie (throttle someone, douse in petrol and set fire to self, conceal garotte wire in the hood, use the cords to throttle someone)
My pencil case (containing a very sharp compass that could be used for stabbing, a real slashy metal ruler, about four metal pencils that were hypodermic needle sharp and a pretty heavy calculator that I could probably have nailed someone in the nuts with)
My wallet (keys could be sharpened to lethal blades)
A revision book (uh, paper cuts? I could probably have secreted something dangerous in there)
Some bottles of water (store petrol in there, set fire to someone, combine with hoodie, make a molotov cocktail)
Some chocolate bars (containing C4 explosive? We terrorists are very crafty you know)

So yeah, even with the EXHAUSTIVE security checks I work out sixteen different ways of taking off some wussy member of the British Public. And even if I'd taken a bomb in, if I'd really wanted to kill a lot of people, I'm not going to set the fucker off in A POD MADE OF BULLETPROOF GLASS SUSPENDED FAR ABOVE THE STREETS OF LONDON. I mean, at best, you're only gonna take out twenty-odd people anyway. Why not do it at the base of the Eye? Wipe out the queue of people, take out a leg on the wanker, knock it over, take out Houses of Parliament. But NO, they're more worried about a moron taking out a pod in the middle of the air and a bunch of tourists, most of whom don't even come from this country (read: expendable).

The only possible reason I can see for this is the old 'Hostage' angle. A guy takes the entire pod hostage with his pencil case, demand money/a train to canada/the release of Saddam Hussein. But then, this theory falls apart. How the fuck do they contact ground control? The pod will just go round again, and everyone will get off very politely, leaving the terrorist.

And anyway, fuck it, I'm a kind of weedy looking white teenager with two french guys. What am I going to do? Hijack the fucking pod?



Mwahahaha.

I just have to mention: we also convinced the French that the London Train System is plagued by constant bear attacks. And the Shepperton area is prone to sudden savage wolf murders. Yes, wolf murders.
Also, if anyone knows the answers to these two questions, please comment and tell me:
a: What does poulos mean? (It's French, dipshit)
b: How much did the London Eye cost to build?

This was a good post. Now comment on it. Are you commmenting? Are you? Come on, comment for me, babes. Thanks for NOTHING.