Having destroyed Senor Orallo, Sir Me travelled to an inn in the midst of a deep forest, where he discovered that a demon named Harris was responsible for kidnapping and performing hideous mathematical procedures on the townspeople. Having decided to slay this beast, Sir Me travelled to its lair, a mineshaft, guarded by the rather crap Senor Listenor, demon of Spanish orals. Having slain this demon, Sir Me entered the mine, and came face to face with Harris...
The GCSE Saga part 2.5: Harris continues to enter
For those too lazy to scroll down the screen, here's the terrifying sight that greeted our brave hero:
Sir Me's manly eyes bulged out of their manly sockets. His manly mouth fell open to reveal his manly tongue. The demon in front of him was one composed of pure NUMBERS. Yes, thats right, numbers, floating in the shape of a bodybuilder, with only a nice tie and some very groovy glasses to provide something to look at. He'd met this demon before, in the Land of Mocks. Last time he'd barely escaped with his life (36% in the exam, thankyouverymuch). He withdrew his sword.
Sir Me: Oh, beep. (NB: He actually said beep. This was a common swear word in medieval days that has been carried on by the BBC and other censorship boards, who believed that whenever ancient texts read 'beep' they were actually censoring out the swear words. This is incorrect; beep is actually far worse a word than any of the more traditional curses and this is why it gives me such pleasure every time they beep out a cuss-word on tv)
So, we meet again.
Then Harris spoke in a rasping metallic voice that caused a pigeon flying past the entrace of the mine to spontaneously form a tangent to itself and explode in a burst of bloody feathers and commas.
Harris: 00000101 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01110010 01101001 01110011 !
At this terrifying cry, Sir Me (who was fluent in binary) fell to his knees, his resolve weakened. Harris pointed his numerical hands at him and began to state equations, sort of like a scary version of the emperor in Star Wars. A curve (equation: x squared + 5x + 4) of pure Y-energy struck our hero in the chest, and began to cause his armour to tangent away, slowly at first, but increasing in speed at an exponential rate.
Harris: 01101101 01110111 01100001 01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001! (roughly translated: Mwahhahahaha!)
Sir Me: Oh, piss off.
Being athletic and manly, Sir Me backflipped over the demon's head to avoid the beam ray. This is difficult to do when wearing a full scale suit of armour, so he fell on his back and was unable to get up again. Harris floated over to him (being a demon and thus made up by the author of this piece, he didn't need to bother with such minute worries as 'walking' or 'Physics'... and anyway, whenever his feet touched the ground it formed equations in x which was obviously very irritating, especially if you're trying to find the co-ordinates of A). Harris raised his leg and cacked evilly. Well, actually, he cackled in binary, so it sounded more like a series of 0s and 1s run together in quick succession, but it was still pretty evil sounding. Like a high pitched Darth Vadar, with a bit of Tony Blair thrown in. Sped up 4x then mixed with a Telletubby.
Sir Me threw his sword at the head of the demon. Bad idea... the sword, as soon as it touched the unnatural skin, was rearranged and cancelled down into a small blob of metal and a lump of wood, and fell with a thump into a pile of corpses. Watching it land, Sir Me felt his hopes melt away. But then... it hit him.
The piles of corpses... they were in an arithmetic progression! Not geometric! Harris was only a demon of C1 maths, the weakest of the mathematics disciplines! That meant...
There was only one chance left. He withdrew his dagger of C1 Formulae and stabbed the beast in the foot. Bellowing, Harris fell backwards. Sir Me stood up and stabbed the beast through the chest. Harris screamed and bit him with his fangs of misreadingthequestion, but Sir Me's armour of checking-his-answer held strong, and he bitch-slapped the demon with his gauntlet of N, before driving his lance of workingout through the evil exam's first heart.
Harris fell backwards with a girlish squeal, not unlike a basketball player, then pointed one fluctuating digit (a-ha) at the brave knight.
Harris: You may have destroyed my first heart, puny meat-equation, but soon I shall return, and my next form shall be more inpenetrable than anything you could ever have imagined! Mwahhaha!
Sir Me: Hey, how come you're not talking in binary?
Harris: What? Oh... 01110011011010000110100101110100.
Sir Me: Now begone, you big penis.
Harris scowled, (quite how he managed to scowl when he didn't have any features is besides the point... he's magic, you see) then simply cancelled down into y, and squirmed off into the darkness. Sir Me sighed, then wiped the sweat from his eyes with his hankie. His battle with the C1 demon had been long and hard, and he was now really tired. He decided to return to the Inn and seek sustenance. But it seemed that when Senor Listenor had died, he'd caused a big-ass rockslide that had blocked the entrance totally.
At the sight of this obvious plot point, Sir Me fell to the ground and wept like a little girl for a good twenty minutes.
Will Sir Me ever escape from the cave? Well, it would be a pretty dull saga if he doesn't, so you can probably assume that he will... but HOW? Find out next week or whenever.
Have we had enough Core Mathematics 'jokes'? I think so.
No comments:
Post a Comment