So, with no further ado (golly, I feel like a DJ) enjoy:
The Top 10 Sign Countdown list (with pictures of signs... lucky you)
Most of these pictures were taken by me.
10: Danger Deep Water
Yes, I know, its not that good. In fact, as danger signs go, its pretty shittum. BUT this sign may very well appear in the motion picture V for Vendetta, and if it does, you know where they got the original one from? Yes, thats right. ME. I am, basically, the pictures of water danger sign location rekkie photographic manager for the entire cinematic production. ME. And I didn't get paid a cent. Thanks a LOT, Dad. But remember: V for Vendetta - every damn water safety sign/gate was mostly down to me. I think that you'll find that they will be the highlight of the film.
9: Guard Dogs
Several reasons why I like this particular sign. Firstly, the dog looks sort of like a dinosaur, and dinosaurs are cool. Seriously, look at it. That's one mean pooch. That dog could take out fuckin' Captain Scarlet, and as we all know, Captain Scarlet is the Manliest Wooden Man Around.
Secondly, I just like Guard Dog signs, especially, in this case, the picture was next to an empty, dusty, abandoned dirty concretey patch of a car-park. What the hell's gonna happen if somebody breaks in? Oooh no, he stepped in the car-park of DOOM. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. RELEASE THE OGS. Dogs, I mean. Tee-hee-hee. I just had a vision of 20 Oggs running across a car park, wearing ridiculous basketball clothing and doing crazy tricks, while barking madly. That would scare off any non-Steve intruders.
Thirdly, as much as I looked, I saw no guard dogs making periodic patrols of the area around this sign. Not one ravenous dinosaur-dog. It was a disappointment, I know. But then I watched Gladiator (well, I didn't watch it. I sort of remembered it vaguely) and there was this bit where tigers just LEAPT out of hidden trapdoors in the floor. Therefore, it wasn't much of a stretch to combine (in my opinion, cool) Guard Dogs with (in my opinion, cool) Trapdoors to come up with trapdoors under the car-park that had many hungry guard dog/dinosaurs underneath. Anything that deadly has to be good.
Fourthly, I just like the sense that the person who puts up the sign has something to hide. I mean, if I murdered someone, then buried the body in a shallow grave in a dirty car-park, I would stick up a sign saying 'Danger- Guard Dogs'. That would keep those meddlesome wankers, the Scooby Gang, off my tail for a bit. But seriously, whenever I see a sign telling people that there are guard dogs, I feel like going home, changing into my ninja suit, then slipping past the perimeter defences in the dead of night, disarming the doggies with some drugged sausages, to investigate the evil goings on of the guard dog owners. But maybe that's cos I'm weird.
Still, I'd stay away from that Thames Water if you know what's good for you.
8: Box to stand on
No idea why this one makes me laugh so much. Perhaps because, while they say 'children', they actually mean 'midgets'. But all you have to do is ask, and they will GIVE you a BOX! Whoopee! Priceless. Are there a huge pile of boxes somewhere? Or is there a company that specially manufactures boxes for short people to stand on to look at high museum exhibits? I hope there is. SmallBoxCraft, it would be called. Or MassiveMidget. Something insulting like that.
NB: any internet perverts out there, that was me taking that picture and that is the shape of my head reflected in the glass. So if you ever wondered what shape my head was, well, now you know.
7: Killer prawn
ARGH! KILLER PRAWN! FLEE! The first of several signs taken in Thailand. They seem to have a lot of odd signs over there... pity there wasn't one saying "DANGER - TSUNAMI". But there was this one. To be honest, it was actually on the tank of an aquarium, and was for sale. But what sort of dipshit wants to buy 100g of the ugliest, most evil looking shellfish every created? Who would pay good money to bring home a creature called a KILLER PRAWN? I mean, thats the sort of brainless decisions usually left to Hollywood Horror Starlets (yeah, run out into the haunted woods of death with the rapist trees, lady, smart move). And in what way is the prawn a killer? Does it dress up in a hockey mask and run around, axing people? Does it chainsaw its way through cripples and young attractive teenagers? Or does it (I think this is the most believable) do a Shipman and murder scores of old ladies Just For The Hell Of It? Hmm, intruiging. Whatever its modus operandi, I don't want to be near the fucking thing when it starts living up to the name. So, yeah.
6: The Elephant Sign
Right, there are several ways that this cracker of a Thai sign could be deciphered. Firstly: do not pet the elephants. They get very pissed off. Actually, this elephant fellow looks actually quite surprised. ACTUALLY, I just realised, that circle thing ISN'T an eye. Its a fucking bolt! The guy who painted the sign must have been pissed off. He makes this gorgeous picture of an elephant, with a great looking Thai eye, then some wankers sticks a bolt through it, making his elephant look like it's just been anally probed. Possibly by the other hand.
Of course, it could mean 'Danger - Giants'. Just look at the size of that hand. Why, that hand could crush an elephant flat. And if you look carefully (and use your imagination), you could see that, in fact, the middle finger of the hand seems to have some sort of fireball power. It has literally burnt the paint off the sign. That is one mean motherfucker of a giant/sign.
5: Up
Well, you have to hand it to the Thai people. They may have pissed off evil elephants and fire handed giants of death, but, boy, they do like to point out the obvious. And good. How often do you get to see a sign that just reminds you of simple words and phrases? Never. Now those are the signs that we need to be seeing on these mean streets.
Ones that I would particulary like to see in Kingston the next time I'm wandering through there in a Wagamama daze:
A picture of a man falling off a bike rack, with the word GRAVITY
A picture of an apple, with APPLE in large friendly letters
Ditto with monkey
Ditto with the following words: house, sheep, cow, man, left, right, moon, sun and fat person. These signs don't have to be, you know, connected in any way with the environment, but it would just be nice to know that, say you forgot what exact fruit you're eating, you can just look up, see the sign, and there you go.
The Thai people may not be tsunami proof, but they are LIGHT YEARS ahead of us Brits in the sign-construction business.
4: Thai etiquette
Once again, this baby made me CACKLE. Its not often that you just get some good old racism/xenophobia on a tourist sign on a Buddhist temple. Just look at the cheery look on that (gotta be American) tourist's face as he give the little Thai kid a patronising pat on the head! "Very good, Toto, now fetch my shoes and I'll give you a shiny penny!" - that's what I bet he's saying.
But some of that advice is good. Never point your foot to show somebody something. Use your finger instead. Well, excuse me, but I happen to use my finger anyway. Am I missing something? Is there some sort of foot-pointing craze going on that I've totally missed? Hey, I missed rock n roll, Britpop, my teenage years, and am only just starting to listen to Simply Red. That is how behind the times I am. Hell, if foot pointing is all the rage now, I reckon that I'll start doing it in... uh... a decade?
BUT SHIT. Now everything is so clear. I went to the ballet the other day and thought that they were doing some sort of fancy move, but ACTUALLY they were just showing us the beautifully re-plastered ceiling. AND I IGNORED THE CIELING. For shaaaaaame.
Well, that was the last entry from Thailand. Now we enter the final three. Don't expect to be surprised by the top two.
3: These animals may bite
Brilliant. Just BRILLIANT. We just need some more of this senseless violence going down on the road signs today. Look at that, its just BRUTAL. Those animals look off, like, quarter of his hand. He's missing a FINGER! I go back to my previous point: danger signs only ever show somebody flagrantly disregarding the sign. Here, the guy read the sign, said 'No, fuck this, I want to pat that tiger on the head. Come here, Toto' (It's the American tourist from the previous image, back from Thailand, wanting to pat some more heads and call people/things Toto), and lost half his hand. AND IT'S HIS RIGHT HAND. He won't be able to jerk off properly ever again. Unless, of course, he's left handed. Interestingly, in the previous image, he's wearing his watch on his right hand, which may mean that this injury isn't as bad as previously suspected.
But, on the other hand, it just goes to show you, you shouldn't stick your hand into tiger cages, unless you want your hand to look like some gimp pushed really sharp cookie cutter through your appendage.
But of course, there's a twist to this sordid tale. It isn't a tiger cage. If you look carefully (as I have... I really have no life) at the image, especially the little pictures to the right of it, you'll see the full ferocity of the beasts in the cages. Parrots. Yes, parrots. Do they honestly expect parrots to take off that much hand in one bite? Man, London Zoo must have some vicious-ass parrots. Perhaps all the parrots will attack you en masse. Or maybe its just one parrot, armed with the cookie cutter. Either way, it's probably unlikely.
2: Sudden Drop
One of the originals, and the best. JUST LOOK AT IT. MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. That stick man is even more fucked than all the others put together. Actually, there were only a few stick hands, but still. LOOK AT HIM FALL. Hahahahhaha. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I can just imagine him walking along, talking to his stickman buddy.
"So, what do you think of current events, eh? A sudden rash of parrot/cookie cutter attacks in London on giant one handed american tourists standing on boxes eating killer prawns from the deep water... up ... and ARGH!"
And he falls to his death, arms flailing, desperate to get a grip on something, ANYTHING, but it's too late. Not only is there nothing to grab onto, he also has no fingers. Or, indeed hands. This stickman is a double-amputee. He really doesn't get a break, does he?
1: The French Airport Sign
Once again:
Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. I mean, words fail me. Every time I see it, I just gaze, open mouthed, in slack-jawed horror/admiration. I want to find the man who made this sign. I want to marry him. I'm not gay, but for this guy, I can change. JUST THE AMOUNT OF MATERIAL THAT CAN BE DREDGED FROM THIS SIGN. BRILLIANT. Step down Alan Moore, this is a comic strip in a different league.
"Now to open this door... ARGH! I SURRENDER!"
"The cupboard is on fire... hmm."
Why is the cupboard firing red electricity?
WHY?
Why is he wearing a suit?
WHY OH WHY DOESN'T HE JUST RUN AWAY? WHY IS HE JUST STANDING THERE, REGARDING IT? WHY? WHY?
If you are ever in Marseilles airport, you have to find this sign. Take a photo. This baby deserves its own fucking FAN SITE.
Vote for me, because, uh... screw it. This is like the longest POST EVER, and if you don't comment, I will cry. Seriously, real tears. And yes, I know I spelt ceiling incorrectly the second time. It was a deliberate mistake that I cannot be bothered to fix. Are you commenting yet? COMMENT. NOW.
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