The Ultimate King of Cool

I have been pondering for the past few days who is my ultimate king of cool. Is it an actor? Is it a gangster? A librarian (unlikely). A murderer? An author? A celebrity? A normal guy? A singer? Someone living? Someone dead? Someone fictional? Someone not yet born? Myself? Who could it be? Who? WHO? WHO?

AND HOW DOES ONE DECIDE?

The answer is... simple. To be a King of Cool, I decided that a few ground rules need to be set:

1: This person has to be male. Well, duh, you can't be a female King of Cool, can you? That would just be SILLY. So that cuts out all those silly women who are cool... of which I can think of precisely none. Women: you are not cool, you are just good to look at. No wait, there's that indian bird who does all the writing for the BBC. Meera Syal or whatever. She's quite cool, in a 'fat indian intelligent' way. Yeah.

2: This person has to have some sort of long lasting celebrity, as what's cool today may not be cool tomorrow. I mean, half a decade ago (and now if they came back) I'd probably have voted The Cartoons as the number one top cool band of all time. But where are they now? I'll tell you - all dead. Ooh-ee-oo-la-la-ting-tang-walla-walla-plane-crash. So yeah, novelty cool (rap music, long hair, boheminum style clothing, organic food, retro styling, that fucking annoying 'Don't Phunk with my Heart' song, bands with more than 3 people, basketball) doesn't qualify.
In order to rate on my Ultimate King of Cool, you're gonna have to have done something/been something SO cool, you'll still be remembered in at least 400 years time (and counting).

3: Normal people (ie non celebrities) don't qualify for 'King of Cool' status. I mean, if you're normal, you're not a King, are you? You're a pleb. And Pleb of Cool isn't cool. Its stupid. Stupider than Paris Hilton after a lobotomy.

4: You must have blown something up, or at least tried to. I don't know, I think explosions are cool and hey, it's my list. You don't like it, you can fuck off and make your own blog and write your own list of ultimate coolness.

5: Gotta be dead. Cool people nowadays AREN'T gonna be cool for long. As soon as the public recognises them as 'cool', they usually lose their cool values, or sell out. I mean, lets just go down a list of previously cool dudes who shoulda died a bit earlier:

John Cleese: Used to be great, should have died just after making 'Fierce Creatures' (which, coincidentally, I used to wander the sets of... ah I like having a film business family). Now he's in the... Bond Films. The Bond franchise is, by the way, another previously cool thing that's lost the coolness by not dying during it's coolest hour - the groin laser in Goldfinger. If the film had just ended then, it WOULD NEVER have gone out of style. Oh well.
Quentin Tarantino: I want to, like, make this really loving homage to old chopsocky movies and, like, have really low quality film to capture the effect, man, and have everything badly dubbed because that's what those movies were like, and I'll also be directing some more episodes of CSI involving gory deaths and JUST DIE ALREADY QUENTIN OR MAKE SOME BLOODY CRIME FILMS.
Samuel L. Jackson: He was in XXX2 - The Next Level. Nuff said. Please, Sam, for the love of God put on a suit, grow some gerry curls and shoot some motherfuckers!
Christopher Walken: Well, he was in that film with... no, I lie. Walken is still inutterably cool, no matter how much shit he does. Hell, there should be a new ranking of coolness: Lame, Cool, Really Cool, Ice Cold, Christopher Walken. Still, he'd be even cooler if he was dead.

So, those are the stars who've not profited from being alive. But what about those who profit from being dead? Surely being dead is bad for your coolness? Surely you're cooler if you're still alive and breathing? Well, why don't you ask my good friends Che Guevara, Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jesus, Hunter S Thompson, James Dean... etc. They'll tell you; being ice cold is good for coolness.

6: Must be a rebel. Nothing says 'cool' more than rebelling against da man. Being a symbol of rebellion is always good for a King of Cool. Especially if it backfires. Being persecuted is another vital ingredient - it's not cool if you're being rebellious but nobody cares enough to do something. Case in point: Tattoos. It is no longer rebellious to have a tattoo with a picture of the devil on it, cos nobody's gonna throw you in jail for doing it. Want to be really rebellious? Go about dressed as a terrorist, look really suspicious, and place random bags all over the place, cackling 'Allah is with me, filthy infidel dogs!". So, yeah, to be a King of Cool, one must have rebelled against the system and been persecuted for doing so. Possibly jail time.

7: You gotta be a real person. No fictional characters. I mean, Darth Vadar would win every time, wouldn't he? Well, either him or the entire cast of Pulp Fiction. Or Homer Simpson.

8: No basketball players, or people who have ever worn Nike. My reasons for this? I just plain don't like basketball, or people who wear Nike. Simple.

9: They must be human. Yes, this is in a pretty random order, but this is the order in which things pop into my head and I'll be fucked if I can be bothered to rearrange all the numbers. I'm just too damn important for all that. But you can be assured that my King of Cool won't be a dog. Sorry, Lassie, we all know you're cool, but really, you're a dog. A dumb dumb dog. So piss off and help Jimmy out of that mineshaft. Why the hell haven't you people boarded up that mineshaft yet? Oh well.

10: A decent death. Gotta go down fighting, babe. On the back of a horse, barechested, machine gun in one hand, firing wildly into the sky, waving a scimitar and screaming a war chant at the hoard of Nazis about to invade London. Or divebombing a biplane, barechested, machine gun in one hand, firing wildly into the sky, waving a scimitar and screaming a war cry at the hoarde of Nazi airplanes about to bomb London. Or driving a train, barechested, machine gun in one hand, firing wildly into the sky, waving a scimitar and screaming a war chant at the hoard of Nazi trains about to choo-choo into London and flamethrow everybody. Basically, being barechested, holding a machine gun, firing wildly in the sky and kiling bad guys. As long as it's exciting.
Of course, a death under torture is always good. Or an execution. It's all good.

So then. Take all the possible Kings of Cool in this world, and minus every one who isn't a real long-lasting dead rebellious non-basketball-playing-or-Nike-wearing male celebrity who blew up a lot of shit and died a cool death.

And who do I have left?

Who is my ultimate King of Cool? You'll be surprised.

Step right up, Guy Fawkes.

Guy Fawkes? WFT? Yeah, you were expecting me to say Christopher Walken, whether or not he was dead. But no, Guy Fawkes is my King of Cool. Ah what a man.

Male? Check.
Long lasting celebrity? Well, he's been dead 400 odd years and you still know who he is, so, uh, YEAH.
Not a normal person? Well, you've heard of him.
Tried to blow something up? Hell yeah. This mean mofo nearly took down the Houses of Parliament. Like, wow, man.
Dead? Check.
Rebel? Ok, did you hear the bit in which he TRIED TO BLOW UP THE KING?
Real person? Check.
Non-basketball-player/Nike-wearer? Well, haha, it would've been pretty odd if the fawkster had been.
Human? Check.
Cool death? Hung, drawn AND quartered. That's like, three deaths in one. Its the fucking Super Size Big Mac Meal of deaths. And then he got his head stuck on a pole. If that isn't a groovy passing away, I don't know what is.

So basically, Guy Fawkes is my man of the moment. He has cool clothes, too. And a very groovy hat. And did I mention that HE TRIED TO BLOW UP THE KING? Man, he is like the coolest guy ever. And his name, too. Guy (Guido) Fawkes. When I have the first of my 12 sons (because I am just that virile), I'll call the little guy Guido. No, wait, then the kids at school will call him 'Gaydo'. And that won't do at all. Poor Gaydo. Its a good job he lived in the 17th century when gay people didn't exist.

Things were simpler then.

Did I mention that he tried to blow up the king? Ah, he was the terrorist of the past. Wicked.

Guy Fawkes: He'll blow up your monarchy, destroy your Parliament and break your heart. He also wants you to COMMENT your agreement at his ascension as the Ultimate King of Cool. Do it. NOW.