Am I to understand that you have inserted your father's skull in that ball for BOWLING?

Why does everyone like bowling so much?



Heres bowling broken down into steps:



1: You show up and try to find a parking stop in a car-park full of PAY AND DISPLAY signs and pikeys.

2: You enter the bowling alley. Now its usually full of obnoxious music (usually the most bollocks piece of chart shit they can find). This is also mixed in with:



The sound of the games machines. This means explosions, toots, even more terrible music from the dance machine, and random fanfares going off every three seconds from the slot machines.

An almost entless amount of screams, cries, and thwacking sounds from the table football/snooker table/bar/s&m room/air hockey table.

Pikeys. Why are bowling alleys, like, a magnet for pikeys. Are they just walking along when... BLAM, they get hit by a thought. "I KNOW, LETS GO TO THE BOWLING ALLEY AND STAND AROUND LOOKING EXCITED AT ALL THE FLASHING LIGHTS!"

Flashing lights. Ooh, cos neon going off everywhere is really making the place look more classy. The rest of the alley is in darkness, so a perfect place to get your wallet jacked. Ooh, look at me, I said 'jacked'. Using a piece of urban lingo. I feel so trendy, hip, and 'in there'.

The smell of the snack bar, mixed with a nice heavy bit of SWEAT and chemicals.

The hot melting feeling of being in a dark room, underground with a bunch of overexcited ten year olds. Woo.



3: Queue then pay £15 for the pleasure of throwing a piece of... what the hell are bowling balls made of anyway? ... marble at some wooden things. Double woo.

4: Give away your shoes, so you can't flee the building when you realise you are wasting precious nanoseconds. I REPEAT: YOU GIVE AWAY YOUR SHOES AND PUT ON ONES POSSIBLY WORN BY SOMEONE WITH CONTAGEOUS TOENAIL WORM-ROT LEPROSY. Is this good? No. But of course, they spray them with something beforehand. Whoopedy fucking do.

5: Wait for your lane to become active. Then mistype your name on the incredibly confusing set-up pad thing and accidentally turn off the bumpers. Who the fuck has the bumpers turned off? The ball just falls into the gutter the entire time. Who gives a shit if you don't look professional with the bumpers up? ITS BOWLING.

6: Pick up the ball, which is greasy and too heavy. Throw it at the pins. Look depressed as you knock over four. Repeat, and knock over another three.

7: Sit down and watch everyone else throw their balls around. If you're with a group of teenage boys, there might be some of the following HILARIOUS incidents:



A 'bowl the ball as fast as you can' competition.

A 'bowl the ball as slow as you can' competition.

A 'bowl the ball as crazily as you can' competition.

A 'throw the ball from the other side of the room' competition.

A 'don't throw the ball down the alley at all' competition. By the way, if anybody happens to go into the Rotunda in Kingston for bowling, and you look at the columns next to the alleys, and you see that one of them has a ball shaped dent in it... it wasn't us.



8: At some point, the ball movey thing might jam. Then you stand there lookin confused for a bit until the ball technician comes and pokes it with his foot. Well done, there.

9: You finish, and emerge out into the rain with greasy hands, greasy skin, covered in your own sweat to find out that some pikeys have vandalised your car and you've wasted two hours of your life.



Oh yeah, this reminds me of a film I made up when cycling home (No helmet, REBEL) from the hairdressers.



PIKEY KILLA

*I'm not crazy about the title*

Basically, there's this midget (it has to be a midget; midgets are cool. Perhaps they could get the guy who played Mini Me, or shave a chimpanzee or soemthing), and hes walking home when he gets attacked by a bunch of pikeys, cos he looks funny in his little pink catsuit. So then, in retaliation, he dresses up in a suit and travels the streets killing Chavs. Then the Chav High Queen, Bianca Charmaine Charity Britney Mercedes Beckham sends an army of burberry clad ninjas to hunt down and kill our brave hero, Pee-Wee Potter.

It goes on from there, but I can't be bothered.



Zombie crusher: bowling ball.