My Review of Assault on Precinct 13:

Well, not so much a review, more a series of disjointed sentences, pissed out of my brain. But anyway.
This film is a remake of the John Carpenter original, which will piss off all the geeky fanboy dipshits out there. OOh, it's a butchering of Carpenter's genius source material? Well, I have two points for you:

a: The original was a rip-off of 'Rio Bravo' - a nice film reference. I RULE.
b: The original was called 'Assault on Precinct 13', yet it was set in precinct 8 or 9. So yeah, fuckin GENIUS source material there, you morons.

Yeah, so this film is about this guy who's name I can't remember, because he was a bit forgettable. And some shit happened and his fit assistant got killed. And so did his friend, I think. I don't know, but then he's all pissed off. Then some other shit happens and Morphius from the Matrix ends up being locked in his jail cell, which is CONVENIENTLY in an abandoned police station. Then this team of policemen come to kick some arse and kill them all, so they break out the guns and kill everyone.

That was, basically, it. Why they didn't just send Morphius out to use his Matrix Stylee skillz to blow the swat guys away, I'll never know. And how come the swat guys didn't JUST USE NERVE GAS?
OR GRENADES? You threw these fucking LIGHT grenades in. OOh, fancy pants, a bit white flash. Yeah, well done, now the defenders have a slight headache. You're a bunch of swat guys and you got beaten to death by a wuss with a baseball bat! A BASEBALL BAT! What next? The entire SAS being taken down by an arthritic woman with a pillow?
And how come, amongst all the weapons in the station, they ended up using an antique tommy gun? And how come there was so much ammo?
And how come they had the world's most terrible snipers in the world? They couldn't hit a slow, overweight ugly american women with DDDD boobies on a wheelchair. Gimps.

Oh dear. I just RIPPED that film to shreds. Anyway, here are the cool bits in this film:
A guy punching a dog repeatedly,
A guy getting roasted with some alcohol bottles,
Somebody getting baseball batted,
Somebody getting samurai sworded,
Tommy gunnage,
A woman getting shot,
An old man getting blown up,
The final shot of the city. Which was cool.

Overall, this film was actually quite cool. Yeah. Ratatatataa.

Um.

Kill zombies with: Tommy gun.