ESCAPE to what, Honey? I mean, my father is Zo-Zo, the three headed guard dog at the gate to hell.

Oh, dear.

Well, I have bad news. And worse news.

Bad news: The Mug Heist is over, after my mother found them and made me take them downstairs. Damn you, Kahn! Yeah, so I got up to 8, which, when I think about it, SUCKS.



And the worse news? My snail has escaped.

I mean, for fucks sake. It's a snail! Its not bloody Steve McQueen. And how the fuck did it get outta the jam jar? This is how I see it:



Snail sets up a series of underground contacts with the other insect denzians of my bedroom.

Snail starts to dig out. Stops when he realises that the glass is too hard to dig. Also, it has no shover. Or opposable limbs.

Snail bribes jam-jar guard, a gruff mailman with a heart of gold called Lenny, with a promise of free mucus and all the slime he can drink. Lenny finally agrees and busts snail out of the jar using an expensive and exciting explosions.

Despite the fact that it can walk on walls, snail climbs up edge of jar with a rope.

Snail motorbikes off.

OH SHIT, the JAM-JARDIANS (guardians of the jam jar... see what I did there?) are on its trail! Five of the meanest motherfuckkas you ever did see, riding bikes and armed to the teeth with the little sachets of salt you get on airplanes.

Snail sees this. 'SHIT' he thinks.

Snail swerves and leaps off the bike, which overturns and crashes into the first jam-jardian. He is thrown off, flies 6 inches and crashes into a biology textbook which explodes, taking him with it in a spray of juice and shell fragments. The snail surveys the wreckage for a second, then notices the other four. 'BOLLOCKS' he thinks, ducking a spray of salt from Jardian no.2. Then the snail notices the teaspoon next to him. Picking it up in his manly snail-arms, he catches the next spray of salt and hurls it back, over the two Jardians follow him. As their faces start to melt, the first drives his bike off the desk to EXLODE in an impressive display of pyrotechnics below. The other hits the edge of the cutting mat and spats against an art book, which slowly slams shut, crushing him.

Only two remain. Our brave snail hero climbs onto the bike of the crushed jardian and picks up a spare cocktain pin. Something exciting happens and he kills both of the other two, as I can't be bothered to continue this story.

He then rides off into the sunset.



Yeah, that's now it happened.



Or, I, uh, left the jar open.



Shit man, I can't even take responsibility for a SNAIL in a JAR. Its a good job the Germans didn't put me in charge of Auchwitz. Or a bad job. I don't know. The Jews would have escaped though, and Hitler woulda looked a RIGHT plonker.



Yeah.



Zombie Killer: A really HUGE nail