
Hahahahahaha. Man, that rules so hard. Especially the way I showed the Thunderbirds man shitting himself. *Grins*
And I never watched Stingray, so I had to look up the costume on the internet. If I remember correctly, Stingray was the lamest piece of shit to grace TV. First off, the theme tune was some wanker singing 'Marina' over and over again. I mean, even Thuderbirds had a better start sequence than that, and THUNDERBIRDS was just a countdown. So yeah. I'm counting Stingray as just a sub-par Thunderbirds clone. Stingray is like a series based purely around that little submarine thing that falls out of the big motherfuckin' green Thunderbird engine and, as such, if Captain Scarlet can kick Thunderbird's ass, then he can totally knock the shit outta Stingray.
Agreed? Yeah, I think so. So this is why Cappy S can knock nine shades of puppet shit out of Thunderbirds:
Captain Scarlet is properly proportioned. The Thunderbirds crew all have giant heads. You know what giant heads say to me? Headshots. Easy ones. Oh, and who is it that gets a gun? Oh, CAPTAIN SCARLET. So yeah, thats the first point: Captain Scarlet would be able to knock their puppet brains out of their wooden skulls before they'd even goofily puppet-walked across the puppet room. So one point to CS.
Of course, their's also the simple point that, as well as being a crack shot, a coldblooded killer (remember... he threw an unarmed woman off a dam) AND being fully combat trained, Captain Scarlet is also INDESTRUCTABLE. Which means that however many times the Thunderbirds wusses bitch-slap him (as their daddy doesn't allow them guns), he isn't going down. Even PAUL couldn't kill Captain Scarlet, and he is damn good at beating the shit out people. Literally. Yeah. So yeah, two points to CS. It should be infinite points, as really that ends the entire matter, but I haven't got bored of blogging yet so I should continue.
Captain Scarlet has a cooler backup team. Well, actually, anybody is cooler than Brain, or nerdling, or whatever the fuck his name was. He had a huge bulbous head, glasses, and a stutter. What does Captain Scarlet have? A black guy. A wussy black guy who doesn't seem to be able to walk, sure, but still a black guy and, therefore, with 100x more street cool than the hippest white dude. So yeah. And to counterbalance the blackness of the black dude, the head of Captain Scarlet's gang is a white guy with white hair. Called Colonel White. Colonel White is a serious badass; I reckon he eats babies and bayonets pregnant women in his spare time. He could probably take the entire Thunderbirds gang just by glaring at them. And who do the Thunderpussies have? Their dad. So yeah, great one there. Another point to Captain Scarlet.
Also, they aren't dipshit enough to have fucking ROCKETS. I mean, for fucks sake. How expensive is rocket fuel? Fucking massively expensive, I say. Then you have to launch the rocket, fly it across american soil WITHOUT it being shot down, find 50 square miles of land to touch down on, then take off and LAND EXACTLY IN THE SWIMMING POOL AGAIN. All this to save a couple of shitty little kids who fell down a mine. I saw one great episode of TB when they were unable to land the rocket on a mountain range, so they had the rocket land on another spaceship. Man, the Thunderbirdians are such dipshits. Compared to CS's SPV, cars which can be used to blow up old women, chase down terrorists and ram planes, the Thunderbirds look a bit shit, really.
Bases: Well, this one is a draw. Although the huge Spectrum building is wicked beans, especially the way it is permanently hovering in the air, seemingly without any propulsion systems OR fuel, it, uh... I can't think of any drawbacks. It kicks so much ass. On the other hand, Tracy Island is... an island. And it, uh, has palm trees that fall over. What the fuck am I say? Spectrum shits all over Tracy Island. Another point to CS.
Women: Lady Penelope, although fit, doesn't compare to the team of fit flexible French Pilots that CS has backing him up. Their job mostly seems to be blowing the shit out of stuff, GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. Wicked donkey beans. In fact, the men aren't bad either. Now I'm not gay, but if you absolutely HAD to sleep with a puppet, you'd choose Scarlet, really. I mean, he's:
1: English (good).
2: Handsome, in a wooden way.
3: The puppet equivalent of James Bond.
4: HIS HEAD IS THE RIGHT SIZE.
Yeah, man.
Cooler enemy. Captain Black, a mean mofo who has no problem with killing thousands of people for no reason, compared to... what? The Hood, who, uh, dresses up in masks. Yeah, right. Captain Black would have repeatedly rammed the Hook off the road, before running over his bald head with a big stone and then dropping him into a pencil sharpener, before eating the sharpenings. Captain Black is THAT hard.
And finally. Captain Scarlet's mission is COOL. I mean, cooler than the Thunderbirds. They have no mission. Saving people? Boring. Boooooring. BOOOOOOOOOORING. Those people shouldn't have been in that cave in the first place, really. Why should I spend 40 minutes watching them flying about in their pussy rockets to save some whining kids? No reason at all. On the other hand, Scarlet spends his time killing aliens, blowing up shit and saving the world from being destroyed by those Mysteron BASTARDS. It's like the most violent puppet-related thing ever. In one of my fav SCs 250 men get massacred in the first ten minutes, and nobody gives a fuck. It ends with a comedy ending that rips the piss out of the US government. I mean, how much does that rule? Lots.
Captain Scarlet is like James Bond (good James Bond, not lame 'ooh look at me and my magical invisible car' James Bond), and Thunderbirds is like Fireman Sam. Nothing wrong with Fireman Sam. In fact, I wonder. Who would win a duel to the death between Fireman Sam and Postman Pat? Hmm...
Yeah, so in conclusion: Captain Scarlet rulez, down in da hood.
I sound like such a geek.
Oh well, fuckit.
Honourary Zombie Killer: Captain Black... DUDE.
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