Annoying me
Unfolding and using to poke things
Making Blue Peter models out of ... well not any more, mostly due to the next point ...
Poking out one's eye...
Aborting babies
Using as pretend bow and arrows
Getting stuck in things
Being stepped on by me and making holes in my feet...
What do these things have in common? Yes, you're right, they are all verbs performed by COAT HANGERS.
I hate coat hangers with a goddamn vengeance. I mean, who the hell thought up wire coat hangers? Something so bloody useless could ONLY be thought up by a woman. They're the only ones with the mental skills to come up with that sort of interlectual abortion. I bet it was the same woman who thought up Chemistry, on her long white bears. I bet this one bitch just rode through history on her bears, inventing the shit things in life.
COATHANGERS. ARGH. WHY? I don't get it. Everyone knows the natural state for clothing is to be placed in a neat pile in the corner of the room. It's only women and homosexuals who think that it should be in a cupboard. The women, because they have to have something to do when they're not doing their nails and giggling inanely, and the homosexuals, because then they have some company.
*Why am I so sexist? I mostly like women and homosexuals. I like my mother - woman. I like Richard - possible homosexual. I even like Cassie, who is a perfect mixture between the two*
Clothes: good. Well, not good. I have the fasion sense of a 90 year old yorkshire farmer in the 1980's, but clothes are, generally, good. They keep us men warm from the -50 degree temperatures out in the wilderness while we're killing dinner and blowing up things, and keep the woman partially naked. I mean, if the women were fully naked, it would take away most of the allure, really. Then they'd just be naked woman cooking, cleaning, and mending our socks. And that's just UNSANITARY.
Um. Slightly off topic there. Where was I? Ah yes.
Clothes: good. I'm quite proud of my fleece. It is bigger than THE MOON.
Coat hangers: bad. Even the name is a lie. Coats have little hooks in the neck for you to hang them onto coat-racks on the wall. Coat hangers are for like, trousers, and, uh, ties. TIES? YOU CAN JUST STAPLE THEM TO THE WALL. Why don't they just put hooks in all clothes and just make huge coat racks instead of hangers. This would be simpler for many reasons:
1: There are no bits of metal to deal with.
2: It's all fixed to the wall.
3: It's not coat hangers.
Just to prove to you how much I hate coat hangers, I am now going to fetch something from my cupboard and demonstrate how hard it is.
a: Walk to cupboard.
b: Open it.
c: Scream girlishly as a hanger falls out onto my foot.
d: Survey the bar, which has about 9 empty hangers on it. Why are there so many hangers? Nobody know. Where the testicles did they come from? Nobody knows. Its like one of the great unsolved mysteries, to go with the Marie Celeste, The identity of V (serious geek joke there) and Steve's sex.
e: Pull a shirt from the rack. Shirt does not want to come. Pull harder.
f: Hanger comes out of shirt with a ripping sound and flies off into the cupboard.
g: Bend down to pick up hanger.
h: Hit head on other hangers. Scream girlishly again.
i: More hangers fall down.
j: Throw hangers into the cupboard.
k: Slam cupboard door. Door doesn't slam properly, due to coat hangers in the way.
j: Angrily open cupboard door. Hangers SOME how manage to get caught in the carpet and leap up. Hit me in my delicate face.
k: Growl, pick up hanger to put back on the rack, but it has somehow managed to get itself stuck on my bag.
j: FINALLY close the door. Coat hangers are pointing under the door.
k: Return to blogging this.
q: Stop and talk to mother for a few minutes.
8: Return to chair. THERE IS A COAT HANGER ON MY DESK NEXT TO THE KEYBOARD. I SWEAR IT WASN'T THERE BEFORE.
I think I'm cracking up. I may actually have a pathological hate of coat hangers. Does this make me some sort of freak?
Hell, you're the people who just spent five minutes reading a blow by blow account of me getting a fleece out of my cupboard.
Begins with S and ends with o, yeah, fuck you.
Toodles.
Kill zombies with none other than coat hangers.
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