I have managed to accidentally refresh this page three times already while writing this, so I'm a little bored of typing this sentence. Still, it HAS to be said:
NO MATTER HOW MANLY AND COOL THE ADVERTISING MAN SAYS IT IS, A 'FRAGRANCE' IS JUST A GIRLY GIRL PERFUME, AND, THEREFORE, SHOULD UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, BE WORN BY A MAN.
I mean, seriously. How much a dipshit buys male perfume? I mean, YOU FAGGOT. Only women and homosexuals wear perfume... it's not a fragrance. The advertising men use the word 'fragrance', because 'perfume' is reminiscent of old women spraying chemicals over their wrinkled, dying skin, to disguise the fact that slowly they are dying, their flesh turning into putrid mud and their blood clotting in their veins. Whereas 'fragrance' is happily reminiscent of fresh fields, leaping lambs, and being young and alive.
THEY BOTH MEAN THE SAME THINGS. YOU ARE SPRAYING CHEMICALS ON YOURSELF TO DISGUISE YOUR STENCH. I can understand women doing this, 'cos generally women smell of out of date makeup, fish, and tacky period blood (man, I'm offensive today) but MEN? I mean, wear some deodorant. You don't need to smell of a beautiful infusion of male spices and fragrances to create a whole new pile of bullshit you.
AND THE ADVERTS. Arhghhahhahrharhrahralsdkjflaskdjf;lasdhvl;nbhjkminujvbnmknmnbcgvbmnmhu8nuknj348979[ 30waher`fu9[824[90fv'sdiohg4uaw]09ug]0we498]t0a394we]t0egadfbj;zdkhfgbpaue
*That was me rolling my face about on the computer keyboard madly.*
The first guy who makes a cool perfume advert, well, I won't kiss, but I'll... I'll wear the perfume. Perfume adverts are, without an exception, the most lame and un-sexy things KNOWN TO MAN. I mean, they even made a kickass SAUSAGES advert (with the dog... hahaha...). They made WALL'S SAUSAGES look sexy... WHY CAN'T THEY DO IT WITH PERFUME?
Fuckit. Perfume ads, without exception, fall into one of three categories:
1: Retarded
Stupid pseudo-interlectual bullshit. They go along the lines of a series of random images of a man and a woman running around each other in a cathedral or a market or a cityscape or something, being happy and carefree. And then theres this really annoying whispered voiceover, that goes along the lines of: "Run... talk.... kiss... moments of passion... donkey... alive.... Whisper... The new fragrance from Yves Saint Dolores Clairborne King Smith Renoir Penishead Gabbana.
These adverts are even more retarded than that 'vanish' advert with Barry Scott. Who the FUCK is Barry Scott? Are we supposed to recognise him or something? I mean, he's not even on IMDB.com. He's not even a Z list celebrity! What a gimp.
2: Homo-Erotic
Naked men running about, doing manly things to prove how manly they are by wearing pussy perfume. Oh yeah, we're naked and we're covered in muscles and WE WEAR PERFUME, so it has to be good. Of course, the morons at advertising don't realise that this makes the perfume seem even gayer. What self-respecting manly man would ever go about naked? None of us do. We're too busy looking kickass in our huge clompy hobnailed boots and, uh, fur coats.
A prime example is that one (tastefully... not) done in black and white, where this naked guy gets up and wanders around his appartment. This guy sleeps in the nude... cunt... and he has a wall full of trophys. This proves that he's good at football and is so not a poof. Actually, this may have been an advert for coffee, but it's so shamefully GAY it deserves to be riteously mocked.Then he's sitting in his chair, starkers (hopefully leaving skidmarks all over the place), when the door opens and he looks up, cheekily. Oh, tee hee hee, what a michevous scamp he is!
Here's the list of people who I'd like to see enter the door:
1: The owner of the appartment, a 6'5 foot angry black guy with a baseball bat.
2: Somebody with:
...a: A nailgun
...b: An itchy trigger finger
3: Snakes. Lots of snakes.
4: A tabloid newspaper journalist.
5: The Village People, with some hefty bouncers to hold him down for them.
6: A fireball.
7: The boulder from the start sequence of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark
8: Like, a jumping spider.
9: A clumsy mousetrap salesman
10: The Wall's Sausages Advert Dog.
Dude, I killed him.
3: The 'Perfume is manly, really it is' adverts
At least the advertisers have realised that perfume is womanly and have made an attempt to disguise this fact. Failure, dipshit. Saying 'your fragrance, your rules' is not a good way. If you were so amazing, rebellious and breakin' down da rulez, would you really be wearing perfume? Uh, no, 'cos you'd be spending all your money on drugs, spray paint and jam jars.
And really. Is the best way you can think of to make your model look rebellious really to make him drive a bus around, get his photos taken in a photobooth and fall on the floor laughing a lot? Because you read my mind. If somebody asked me what the most rebellious thing I could have thought of was, I'd have said 'driving a bus' too. Dumb-dumb.
I really want to grab that guy and shake him until his perfectly manicured teeth crack and his eyeballs fall out.
YOU'RE NOT REBELLIOUS, DIPSHIT, YOU'RE AN ADVERTISING CHARACTER... AND YOUR ADVERTISING FUCKING PERFUME.
Christ, I hate everyone.
Anyway, here's my idea for a perfume advert. I like it; it's simple, effective, and it gets the message across.
Black Screen.
The words 'PERFUME... BECAUSE YOU'RE A DIPSHIT' pop up.
Black screen.
End of advert.
I rule.
Zombie Killa: Perfume, then match.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment