Dun dun dun, dundundun DUN!

I just watched Gerry Anderson's New Captain Scarlet on tv.
Five words: What the fuck was that?
They totally bollocked Captain Scarlet up. Firstly, it was computer generated. But it wasn't good computer generated, oh no. It was lame '6 in the morning Channel 5' animation. ie. all the textures were off, everybody looked like they were floating five centimetres above the ground, and none of the lip syncing was right. THE LIP SYNC LOOKED CRAP, COMPARED TO PUPPETS. Man. But that's not all the fucked up.

The start sequence was screwed. Ooh, look at us with all our explosions and flying hovercrafts. FLYING HOVERCRAFT? What in the name of SHIT was that? One of the greatest bits of the original show was the vaguely creepy opening sequence, with Scarlet cold-heartedly gunning down an un-named mobster fella. That start sequence was COOL.

And, shit, they made Captain Black into a whining pussy-boy. In the original, Captain Black was HARD. You didn't get to see him much, and when you did, he was busily killing women and children and not saying very much. Even though he was a puppet, whenever he showed up, you knew somebody was gonna die painfully. He was SCARY, because you didn't know much about him. Well, scary for a puppet. The new Captain Black is some total wuss. Ooh, look at me, I'm prancing about with my robot spider and I'm TALKING. The original Captain Black wouldn't have just tied Captain Scarlet to a telephone pole, right next to the bomb, before mincing about and telling him THE ENTIRE PLAN. Fuckin' moron. No, the original Captain Black woulda beaten Captain Scarlet for like twenty minutes with a length of garden hose, before cutting the strings holding up his legs and arms and dumping him in the middle of a desert, covered in termites, so his face would be eaten and all that'd be left were his nice coat buttons.
And the Captain Black in the original looked HARD. He was all skeletal and ill looking. A real mean mofo, he's likely to blow up your face just because he hates you. He was that sorta guy. The new Captain Poof looked like Mr Bean. I am not joking. What a fuckin' dipshit. He couldn't beat up a woman, as abely proved in this episode when he failed to beat up a woman. Christ.

And they also broke the most important rule of Captain Scarlet: Make it simple. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on. Actually I was lividly gazing at the screen when I realised that they'd made Lieutenant Green a WOMAN. He isn't a woman, he's a very effeminate man, ticking the token button for both blacks and homosexuals. And he had a cool chair that went back and forth so they didn't have to do any walking animation. Anyway, in all the puppet (read: good) episodes, it was very simple. The Mysterons had a plan to blow some shit up. We know this, because they tell Spectrum. The Mysterons kill somebody, clone them, then use them to carry out their dastardly plans. Captain Scarlet then saves the day and gets blown up BUT HE'S INDESTRUCTIBLE so he doesn't get hurt. Simple, and it has a good message for kids: don't worry about danger, you might be invincible, meaning you can get shot, blown up, thrown out of a plane and badly operated on and NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.
Puppet Scarlet was like one of the least PC things ever. I remember one episode when Scarlet got pissed off, then shot a woman and threw her off a dam. Then he smoked a cigar and burnt down an orphanage, singing 'I'm a burnin' the bastards' to the tune of 'hello Dolly'. Well that probably didn't happen, but still that's the hard sorta think that Scarlet might have done. The woman falling off the dam might have been a Mysteron, I can't remember, but there was a cool bit when you see her falling all the way down, screaming and bouncing off the front of the dam. Take that, you fuckin puppet. That was a COOL falling death.

That reminds me. Andy's death in Eastenders last night was actually the lamest think I have ever seen. Guy pushes Andy. Cut to a shot of a man at the top of an overpass, wobbling. Cut back to the guy. Very very very quiet scream 'argh' that sounds like Andy's cut his chin shaving. Cut back to guy. Sound effects of cars braking. That was it.
TERRIBLE. I hate you all.

Oh yeah, and the explosions were COOL in the original Cappy S. You really felt that those toy cars were EXPLODING with force. Those women and children were really burning. What do we have in the new one? Ooh, a bit of crackling as the russians die. You cunts.

Wow, I sound like a nerd. But how can you be a Captain Scarlet nerd? Fuck you, I like it. In fact, I'm watching it right now. Scarlet is repeatedly ramming a plane with his car. Haha, the car won. Take that, you fuckin' plane. Oh no, Scarlet crashed into a building. Fuckit, I don't care. He's indestructable. Haha, the Mysterons won this one. That twat died. Losers. I love this show.

Yeah. So in conclusion: the new Captain Scarlet sucks. The old puppet could kick his arse any day of the week.

Honorary zombie killer dude: Captain Scarlet... duh.