Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th BIRTHDAY, Lois.

First things first: The title is from Family Guy, the world's most hilarious non-Good-Simpsons cartoon show. Are we agreed? Good. I am SO GLAD.



Second things second: It is the birthday of a very special girl. Well, a quite special girl. Ok, a bog ordinary lass, but we still love her. When I say 'we', I would appear to include myself in that group. I don't. I more view her with a wry interest, like a phrenologist would when shown a particulary malformed skull, possibly belonging to a monkey/man who was hit on the head with a monkey-wrench. Although that wouldn't really malform the skull, really, would it? More like crack it, and then the phrenologist wouldn't really care.

Ok, how about the skull of a guy who's head was squashed in a vice while he was a baby? Babies skulls are softer than normal people's skulls, they change shape, don't they? I don't know. So, this guy is, as a baby, crawling on the worktop of his father, who's a carpenter. Maybe it's Jesus? I don't know. Anyway, Jesus is crawling along the bench when he sees a piece of candy INSIDE the vice. So he reaches in to eat it, and BAM, the vice closes on his head. It was a trap all along. Herod, back to take his revenge. You bastard king, you.

Ok, so like a phrenologist looking at Jesus's malformed skull. Although, I think that he'd find it interesting even if it wasn't malformed. It was Jesus's skull, people! I bet he'd like to examine it to see if the son of God had bone problems. I hope he didn't. What sort of God is God if he can't even make his own son have perfect shiny bones? A bit of a fuckwit, if you ask me. Nobody ever does.



Anyway, I seem to have wandered slightly off the point. Here's what I wanted to say:



HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCIA!



Do you reckon that I would have been able to actually go so far off the point that I go back onto the point again? Like a pikey looking for McDonalds accidentally wanders into a library. He wanders around, looking confused, scratching his shaved head and dragging his knuchles on the floor for a bit, until he walks through a plate-glass window and down a sewer. He floats down the sewer into a river, and is dragged onto the road by starving bears. He gets hit by a car and CATAPAULTED into a shop that sells catapaults. He then leaves the shop and BAM finds his McDonalds.



Maybe, just maybe, I'll shut up one day.



Nuts to this (In honour of Miss AAAAAAAAAAA Cup - I loved your pen like a son, until I repeatedly broke it)



Today's guest Zombie killer in Oz: Lucia, of course, with a didgereedoo.