Why do you MOCK me, O Lord?

94

87

129

17



What do these numbers have in common? Not much, one would THINK. Aha, that's where one would be wrong... sucker.

They actually have two things in common:

1: They are desks that I have sat at.

2: They are the most wobbly desks in the entire fucking school.



It's beyond a joke now. EVERY goddamn desk I sit at in that hall has some sort of stability problem. It's irritating. Also, I am now missing most of the term. My poor diary can't take this any more. Anyway, time for a run-through of today's fun:



ENGLISH LITERATURE

Ah, bliss. English Literature is the nearest Non-Art Exam to approach being fun, for me. Its lovely and relaxing to sink into a nice essay about Stanhope and all his chums down the trenches. Ah, Wilfred Owen, you sly dog, you.



FRENCH LISTENING

Ah hour long exam. Here is a run through of what many of the class were doing at about the 35 minute mark:

Oliver: Napping.

Paul: Making and colouring in a paper airplane.

Thomas: Having removed the tape from the walkman, I was alternatively fast forwarding and rewinding it, tee-hee-heeing as the spools ticked my fingers. Ah, bliss.



This exam was significant for two other reasons:

1. I had the world's most comfortable chair! It was blue and it had padding. Mmm... padding. I was forced to barge OGG out of the way in my quest to get the chair, but I got it. I don't think that he was even heading towards it, but what the hell. When I feel like barging someone, I barge them.

2. My desk wasn't wobbly! In fact, it was rather structually secure. On the other hand, we weren't in the hall and we weren't allocated numbers, so it doesn't really count.



MATHS 1

Oh, bollocks.

Well, I'd managed to bullshit my way through Chemistry, History, French listening and English doing a rather substandard level of revision. Couldn't last forever. Didn't. Lets just say that I answered roughly 5 of the 12 questions, missing out a 13 marker at the end because I couldn't remember one simple formula. If I had been a lesser man, I would have cried. As it was, I headbutted the table. Debaser!



I also started to suffer from the Exam Television. It's like the boaty jukebox. Its the point in an exam when you're stuck and your brain starts to replay random scenes from your life, or the same four seconds of television over and over again. As it was, around the halfway mark, when I had pretty much exhausted the question doability stakes, I started to have visions of Desperate Housewives. Over and over again. It was enough to make me wish that I was dead of some hilarious disease.



Sort of like that woman in Neighbours, who is taking such a comically long time to die. I watched an entire episode, and she said goodbye to her daughter, her husband and called a priest in. Why won't she die? SHE WAS YELLOW! I mean, if I was gonna die, I wouldn't want to do it yellow. And when I say yellow, I don't mean jaundiced. I mean as yellow as Mr Happy. It sort of took away the dramatic tension, really. Also, the fact that the daughter's nose was dripping the entire bloody time. I know your fictional mother is dying, love, but could you please turn it off a bit?



AND wouldn't you know it, they found a match for her blood type IN THE NICK OF TIME. Now what's the betting she dies in the operation? Wouldn't that be class? Yes it would. What are the odds? What's that? Are the odds... ZERO, because it's Neighbours, meaning that it's pointless and lame.



Although, I have to say, the quality of the storylines has like EXPLODED up in recent months. We have lesbians, we have incest... I'd like a bit of necrophilia next. Oh, wait, Harold's going out with the mother. They're both nearly dead, its near enough. Ok, what about Bestiality? Those dogs always look so depressed.



Yeah, Neighbours would definitely be improved with just a little bestiality. Oh yeah, and dragons. Just have a dragon eat someone. Pirate dragons. And, of course zombies. So basically, Ramse street gets invaded by a bunch of pirate zombie dragons. And ninjas. Robotic ones. But keep the lesbian plot in there.



Ah screw this, I'm off to mourn the death of my mathematical ability.



Zombies? Just bore them to death with differentiation. Or the remainder theorum.