Big Brother is lame. Really lame. And even worse: it's a disappointment. For the last few years, I expected mediocrity. Oooh, big news, one of the morons has made some eggs! And now they are sunbathing! La di fucking da.
But THIS year, they promised 'Big Brother is getting evil'. And that made me interested. I could imagine how fully evil they could get. Hahhaa. And what did they do? Oooh, simulated army barracks. Great. Playing an alarm clock to wake them up in the morning? My god, you demons.
I mean, it really wasn't that evil, really. And they still all fell to pieces. Boo! Now if I had MY way (and ooh boy, I will), it would be really evil. I mean like pure venom in a TV show.
Here is how to improve the next Big Brother:
1: Firstly, build the house in a country with slightly more lax Civil Rights than England. Just some backwater shithole where it's still ok to beat your wife with a pole for burning the stew. Scotland'll do.
2: Don't have a garden. They are not allowed to go outside.
3: One of the things that irritates me about BB is that they always have morons for contestants. So what is propose is that we kidnap Oxford and Cambridge dons for the house.
4: Inject each contestant with something as they enter. Now seven of the eight injections are just laxatives (there will be no toilet, just a bucket next to the fridge), but the last will be an infectious disease of some sort. Something that'll start to melt the contestant after a few weeks. Leprosy, perhaps?
5: Have eight contestants, but only enough food for three people.
6: Pump testosterone into the drinking water.
7: Have no natrual light. Instead, have the entire house lit by neon tubes that will randomly turn themselves off for hours on end, leaving them in pitch darkness.
8: Play loud Morris-Dancing music while everyone is trying to sleep.
9: Don't allow them to leave, even if they want to. Can you imagine it?
Dave: I want to leave! It's so horrible here!
Big Brother: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: But...
Big Brother: You may leave the diary room.
10: Have the voice of Big Brother one of those computer generated voices that sound really lame. It would just be annoying. And make Big Brother spout babble over the intercom for hours on end.
11: Every time someone is voted out, they are sprayed with pigeon blood and thrown to a bunch of ferel cats.
12: Fuck with their minds. Have chairs which get half a centimetre smaller every day.
13: Take away their watches, and replace them with a huge digital clock that goes just slightly faster or slower than normal time. Totally screw up their sense of time.
14: Put a junkie in the house, and tell him that he gets a fix if he gives Big Brother three human teeth. For more fun, have a junkie with no teeth.
15: Randomly add more housemates without increasing the amount of food or explaining anything to anybody.
16: Give them tasks which are JUST impossible to do in the time limit, or whatever.
17: Set fire/flood the house.
18: Make them wear the clothes you give them, which are transparent. Either make them several sizes too small at the beginning, or gradually make them smaller as the show progresses. Also, don't provide enough clothes for all the members of the house.
19: Infest the house with insects. Even better if they are poisonous.
20: Somehow include any of the following: Zombies, Snakes, Robots, Terrorists, Explosions, uh, Cannibalism, Devil worship etc.
Now, would that rule or would that RULE? I mean, when I think EVIL, that's what I think. Am I right? Am I right? Of course I'm right, I'm me.
OH EM GEE... I just had another idea for a TV show called 'Corporate Mega-War,' but I can't be bothered to elaborate. I'll do it later. Perhaps. After I've had a sleep.
Nuts to this.
Zombie Killin' in Oz part 2: Boomerang
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