'Tis the green-eyed monster which doth MOCK the meat it feeds on.

Pretty flash title, eh? La di da, me.

Anyway. Art Exam today....

Here's a runthrough:



1: Thomas arrives at school at 8.30. After wandering around a bit and discussing things with his dear chum Joe 'Firing Blanks' Murray, he makes his way to the art room.

2: Thomas manages to choose the one desk in the entire art room with the wobble. Is this fair, he thinks? No. He can't be bothered to move, so he rips out another page of the ol' homework diary, which is looking surpsingly thin now.

3: Thomas has previously taped his huge piece of paper to a wooden board. Looking at his board, he realises how extremely HUGE it is, and gulps.

4: Thomas visually plans out his idea. For a brief taster of what it was, just imagine a nice house. With legs. And arms. And boxing gloves. Beating up a tree. With legs. And arms. In a boxing ring. Don't ask, just DON'T ask.

5: Exams begins. Thomas picks up a pencil, and proceeds to scribble on his piece of paper for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, he takes a step back and realises that what he has achieved is a load of random lines on a piece of paper.

6: Thomas panics, and just randomly slaps a load of black paint over his page. Cunningly, he has left a large corner of the canvas empty, meaning that he cannot fuck it up that badly. He manages to.

7: Break for food. Thomas eats his penut butter and jam sandwich. He discusses with Joe and Alex Alexander Anderson what the Edexel Exterior art project will be. The project of choice is Alex's decision of 'Circles'.

8: Back to work. Thomas goes on with slapping random piles of paint onto the page. This is Thomas's skill with art; just keep painting over it until it looks good. Or less rubbish. Thomas paints his tree, his house, and everything else. Except the audience of this boxing match.

9: Lunch. Thomas and Murray have a discussion about art. Murray says that, at its raining, it will be hard to "go outside and spray my stuff." Thomas giggles at this merrily for many miles. Thomas and Sariel then stand outside the ergo room, listening to boaty bop. Etc.

10: Back to work. Thomas works happily. The Art teacher wanders about, giving everyone advice that they don't need. eg:



TEACH: That's really good, but I think you need some lines here. And bright colours.

BOY: Well, uh, I'm going for a sort of pastel thing of this tree, really. I don't think that lines will fit in -

TEACH: Yeah, but what about a nice circle there? A pink one.

BOY: But...

TEACH: Or some lines there, like Damien Hurst? That would be good.

BOY: I guess...

TEACH: Great! And add a smiley face and a pirate flag there.

(Boy reluctantly goes back to painting)



11: Thomas does some more work. The fellow in front of him plays with newspaper, doublesided tape, and other such rubbish. Thomas loses interest in his own picture and wanders around. Holy Crap, he says, at some of the amazing skills shown in the room.

12: Finally, the end of the exam. Thomas wanders down to the Ergo room.

13: Thomas does an ergo. After 19.14.5 minutes of pure torture with a crazy New Zealand ex-iraqui soldier yelling at him, Thomas finishes his ergo with some terrible swearing. Really. It was like the Osbornes had died and gone to heaven, but they didn't like it much and were loudly showing their protest by swearing. Loudly.

14: Some other stuff happens. Thomas has a bath and listens to Placebo. He does some half-hearted revision and blogs his little heart away. The end.



Kill Zombies: Punch them to death. Or better still, get your house to do it for you.