I heard this on the news today. Well, it wasn't really the news. It was the thirty second news update on THE CAPITAL BREAKFAST SHOW WITH JONNY VAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGHN, but still.
It wasn't even today. It was yesterday. But fuckit. The sentiment is still the same.
"It's rumoured that Harold Shipman, Britain's worst serial killer..." blah blah blah, sponsored by O2, who are slowly sponsoring the entire universe. I swear. The Yanks are gonna land on Mars, and when they put their stupid flag there, they're already gonna find a sign saying 'MARS, SPONSORED BY O2'.
Anyway. This sort of misnomer really pisses me off. Britain's worst serial killer? No. I'm Britain's worst serial killer. I tried to kill a guy, overbalanced, fell down the stairs, slid into the street, accidentally stopped a vicar from committing suicide, saved a puppy from being run down by a fire engine, stopped the orphanage from burning down and caught an escaping crook. In trying to kill someone, I accidentally did the total opposite. I was more than 100% unsuccessful. I dare you to find someone worse at serial killing than me (who still has basic mental functions/limbs).
Harold Shipman, on the other hand, managed to kill his way through enough old dears to fill ten retirement homes, and nobody noticed for ages. They're still finding new victims. At this Serial Killin' game, he was a king. He managed to pull off 40 years of it, or whatever. He's not Britains Worst Serial Killer.
HE'S BRITAIN'S BEST SERIAL KILLER!
It annoys me that we put down a national treasure like this so easily. I mean, this is something that we could probably beat the Yanks on. Their serial killers may be more interesting, but I doubt that they could beat Shippsy's record. In fact, lets have a rundown of famous american serial killers, who may or may not be real, and probably aren't:
The (original) Texas Chainsaw Massacre family: Bunch of pussys couldn't even catch a scared wussy girl who spent most of the movie running around BLINDLY SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. I mean, how retarded can you get? *does a retarded face* JUST SLICE HER UP, you spackers. And you were led by an old guy who, due to piss-poor makeup, could have been dead. I couldn't tell. Paper scissor stones, dipshit. Shipman beats Old guy.
Round one to Shipman.
The Guy from Se7en: Ooooh, Seven murders? I'm really scared, you bald penis. Admittedly, they were amusing (getting the fat guy to Spaghetti-O himself to death) but SEVEN? I mean, piss poor when compared to the Shipmeister's 200+. And also, you're dead. Shot by Brad 'Thelma and Louise' Pitt, who was holding his gun like it was glued to his hand and he was trying to shake it off. At least Shipman got to go out with a bang. Or, more accurately, a few knots, a gasp and a throttling sound.
Round two to Shipman.
Pennywise, the Clown from It: Shit man, that clown is scary. It also matches Shipman for pure evilness.
Shipman poisons old ladies, the Clown eats kids.
Shipman got away with it for 40 years, the Clown's been getting away with it since, like, the dawn of time.
Shipman has a scary beard, the Clown can grow fangs and claws at a moments notice.
A draw, maybe?
Oh christ. I just got it. Shipman and the clown are the same guy! Haha, take that Stephen King. Your clown wasn't killed by those weak-ass kids in your long and pointless novels, no. It was Scotland Yard the entire time. Shows you, Britain can do anything. Screw you.
Round three to Shippywise.
Vincent Price from Theatre of Blood: Hahahaha, there's no contest. I just felt like referencing this film, as its piss funny. Price, despite his many hilarious disguises, is one of the most dipshit murderers in the history of cinema. Lets have a list of his errors:
Hiring a bunch of drunk hobos as his servants. These hobos don't actually obey any of his commands, and give up all his secrets for whiskey.
Having a mysterious partner, who is quite plainly a woman wearing a ginger wig and fake ginger handlebar mustache.
Spouting reams of Shakespeare. This bit was just boring.
Setting fire to his own lair at the end of the film. By accident. Well, next time, moron, try NOT throwing flaming torches all over the place.
Having set fire to his lair, climbing onto the UNSTABLE, ROTTING ROOF in a bid to escape. Ooh, well done there.
Like I said, no contest. Shipman kicks his whining pussy's arse. Although, if Price was still alive, he would be my FIRST choice to play Shipman in the movie adaptation. Doctor of Blood? The Killer Doc? Return of Shipula? I don't know, but I'd pay to see the film. Judging by Hollywood standards, the entire thing would be Shippy swinging from ropes and kicking old people with machine guns into volcanos. I'd watch it.
Round four to Shipman.
Yeah, so basically: Harold Shipman is our BEST serial killer. And I haven't even gotten onto the subject of his first name.
HAROLD.
As in Harold Bishop from Neighbours.
And, going off on the tangent for which I am famed, here's my idea for the latest Neighbours plot twist:
Basically, Harold, pissed off at the total bollocks that always seems to be going on around him, loses it and starts killin' his way through the street. He starts by ramming Lou's head THROUGH his French horn, and kicking Sky into a well. Then he gets mad. Firstly: Summer and Boyd pay for all the free sodding milkshake's that he's sold them, and are forced to fight to the death. Then he feeds baby Oscar to a crocodile, just for fun, before breaking out the nunchuks and samurai swords and dicing through Susan, Libby, and Lynne.
Yeah, and some more stuff happens. Basically, the entire cast of Neighbours is killed in one hour long special.
Hell, I'd watch it.
Woah, I've devised two new entertainment spectacles in one post. Do I rule, or do I RULE?
Kill old-person zombies: Call Harold Shipman round for tea.
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