More adverts that are pissing me off:
1: That really gay Diet Coke one with the tortoise. Arghhhhhhhh. Fucking tortoise. Oooh, look at me, I'm a tortoise with a can of coke strapped to my back. Aren't I cute and cool? I'm living life to the full, and I'm only a tortoise, so guess what diet coke could do for you! Yeah!
I hate that tortoise. I hate his little green head with a vengeance. Everything he does on that advert is annoying. However much those Penises at Diet Coke try to disguise it, it's still a pissed off looking tortoise with an annoying accent and a piece of metal attached to its back. How do you think they attached it? I hope they stapled it there. Or blowtorched it.
And that's another thing that pisses me off. Its so obviously made in America, just with British dubbing. And it's not even that hard to dub over, cos its a TORTOISE AND ITS LIPS DON'T MOVE. I mean, do people go jogging in primary colours in Britain? I mean attractive people, not Chavs. No. Do we skateboard down perfect roads across cones? I don't think so. Where did the cones come from? Are you telling me that some loser brought CONES to the skateboarding session? Oh, real cool. Maybe Timmy the Twattish Tortoise brought them, balanced on his back? And all the skateboarders are wearing HELMETS and KNEEPADS. Yeah, that is a good way to show the 'we're carefree, we're cool, we're living life to the full' message of this advert; have everyone wear a stupid amount of safety gear. I mean, whats the worst thing that's going to happen if you fall off a skateboard, and you're not wearing kneepads? Your knee will get grazed. Ooooooh, call the ambulance.
Where was I? Oh yeah, that bloody tortoise. It even manages to insult modern art in the article, with our groovy tortoise admiring a piece of art that's plain white, then commenting on it's 'good use of colour'
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Funny, man. Cos it has no colour, but you commented on its use of colour, so its like a contradiction, cos its, like, WHITE, which is no colour, but you said it had a good use of colour and so - I hope that that was a real piece of art that actually represents the way that big companies (ie Coke) has managed to bulldoze through pretty much every modern institution in order to sell things. Hell, Coke OWNS Santa Claus.
Yeah, anyway. I hope someone balances that tortoise on his back in the sun. Actually, no I don't. The tortoise is a dude. It looks so pissed off through the entire advert, it belies the moronic 'even tortoises can live life to the full' message. How is Diet Bloody Coke supposed to help you live life to the cool? Diet Coke isn't even living regular Coke to the full. It just replaces the sugar with chemicals. Yay.
You know what would be good? If they accidentally dropped a worker into the Diet Coke mixing vat at the factory, and then everyone drank it. And THEN it turned out that he had, like, leprosy. Hahhaha, that would get rid of a large proportion of the worlds fatties pretty quickly. High five to me.
2: Those year long magazine subscriptions
Collect a collection of mini rally cars!
Build the cutty sark in 100 pieces!
Put together your collection of miniture teapots!
I hate these bollocks magazines. They are so obviously calculated. You have your magazine manufacturer:
"Right, start of the year. All those pathetic losers with no lives will be looking for something to fill their year. I know, let's send out a collection of pewter miniture soldiers of the fifteenth regiment! Yeah!"
They're always minitures of things you don't care about. Teapots... rally cars... the most dull things in existence. I know, next year, lets have a selection of miniture English Crop Rotation Farming Implements From The Fifteenth Century. Except they're SO miniture, you need a microscope to see them. So then you have to collect the 'build your own microscope' magazine, at the end of which you end up with a substandard microscope to view your boring things with. Go you.
Also, they are so bloody expensive. It's always £1.99 for your first pieces of the Queen Anne (two disconnected bits of balsa wood and a piece of string that you're gonna lose, but is going to be VITAL in about three months), but then like £8.99 for all preceding mags. Yeah, well done. Lets do the maths:
100 mags, the first at 1.99 and the other 99 at 8.99
1 x 1.99 + 99 x 8.99 = HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. £892. You fucking retard, you spent nearly £900 on a substandard balsa wood miniture of a ship. Oh yeah, and your selection of magazines. Hahahahahhahah.
Next year, why don't we do what I say? Screw boring minitures, lets do exciting megatures. You get a horse the size of a house. Or, build your own skyscraper in 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 issues. You get one brick for each issue. Or, what about this? Commit suicide over 1 issue. In issue one (only £1.99) you get a piece of wood with a nail in it. Now beat yourself to death with it, you stupid pansy.
3: Anything that mentions 'Friendly Bacteria'
AARGH.
AAAAAAARGH.
Friendly Bacteria? That is the most bollocks piece of crap I have heard in a long time, the most irritating consumer buzz-word since 'organic food'. Whats to bad about GM food, anyway? Everyone's going on about how its bad for you, and its really not. Its just that a bunch of moron environmental protesters are going on about it so much that eventually the big stores gave up and marketed GM food as a bad thing. If I had my way, I'd have a huge megastore of GM food called 'Better than God,' and if any irritating hippies came to protest, they would be eaten by my kickass monster GM potatoes guarding outside. That would rule.
Friendly Bacteria? Why? WHY? Whe the word 'friendly'? Bacteria aren't friendly! They don't give a crap about us humans. Most of them are trying to eat our skin. Why not 'beneficial bacteria'? Oh yeah, I forgot, most of the British Public (really, anybody who isn't me) are morons, who have spooooooky ideas about 'bacteria', so they need it sweetened up with a moronic buzz word. Screw 'em. If they're scared of bacteria, they should go live in space.
Why mention the bacteria at all? Just say the yoghurt drinks (which taste foul anyway) are 'good for you'. Oh yeah, they have to mention a piece of bollocks science in all their adverts. Have you noticed this about shampoo adverts? They always have a gay little computer animation showing letters flowing into the hair follicles, and voiceover lady says there are 'B vitamins' or 'special enzymes'. None of this stuff means anything. It's just a way of making the shampoo seem special. I mean, if it has B-Enzymes, it must be good. Why don't you try my new shampoo? Basically, you pureé your own eyelids and rub it into your scalp. It contains E vitamins and special bio-degradable nutrients. And enzymes. F-Enzymes.
I've just realised how much I hate most adverts on TV. If I become an advertiser (and according to my ISCO test, theres a chance), I'd just have an advert of a guy in a suit standing in a room. He just yells "YOU MORONS!" over and over again. The advert finishes with him giving the camera the finger and walking off.
Right, rant over.
Staple a can of Diet Coke to your zombie's head and push it down a hill on a skateboard. It'll soon get killed to death by ME.
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