Wednesday, January 26, 2005

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious ANGER those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!

I think that I have anger management problems.

I just nearly sucker-punched my printer. It was looking at me.

I've booked myself into a psychiatrist, and I'm thinking of going onto meds.

Well, actually, that's total bollocks, but I thought that it would be a good idea to start my post with something solemn sounding.

'Oh shit, he has mental problems'

as opposed to

'Oh shit, another hilarious, well written piece of bloggage from this young fellow who is well on his way to becoming a God.'

I don't care, really. I think that tragedy is hilarious. In fact, if I was writing a sitcom, it'd go like this:



MY SITCOM

Our hero, THOMAS, is reading the paper.

Thomas: Hey look, an orphanage just caught fire and all the orphans were horribly burned to death!

*Canned laughter*

Thomas: Hey look, a car with a young mother and her two infant children crashed into a firework factory and they're all horribly burnt!

*Canned laughter*

Thomas: Hey, it seems that the aid sent by the US to Thailand was accidentally infected with cancer beans! Shit, everyone has liver cancer!

*Canned laughter*

Thomas: Hey look, it seems that America has been nuked!

*Canned laughter*



Well, you can see how it continues from here. I mean, that would be a TV show AND A HALF. So, a TV Show TV S (ahaha!)



That reminds me. The best TV show EVER is on tonight. It has:



Violence

Death

Romance

The answers to all the big questions

War

Peace

Death

Blood

Knives

Love

Hate

Sex

Royalty

Death



What is this? Anatomy for Beginners. For those who don't know what this amazing piece of televisual art consists of, here you go:



1: They have a dead guy, and this German Evil Doctor cuts him open and points at the bits.

2: That's pretty much it. Except sometimes they have nude female live models.



This show is so cool. On Monday's installment, they managed to take off this guys ENTIRE skin in one go. It was seriously cool. It would only have been improved if they'd called a giant cockroach onto the stage and forced him to wear the skin like a human suit (a la Men in Black). It could have been done.

But this does beg two questions (this is a post of lists):



1: Who the hell actually wants to donate their body? What makes you wake up one day and think, "You know what, after I die, I really want Dr Death to cut me into little bits in front of a live studio audience and an enraptured TV audience consisting of mainly bored teenagers." Because, really, that's all who'll watch it. Teenagers and the drunk. Its too harsh for young kids, too late for old people, and too depressing for the adults. "Hey, that corpse sorta looks like me, except more healthy."



2: Why are Channel 4 marketing this as a science show? Nobody has any interest in science. We're all here for the blood. Because, really, the entire human race wants to rip off their skin and have a look at what's going on. Who's with me? Who's with me? Oh, well I do. I sort of gaze at my arm and think of biting off my skin. WELL SCREW YOU.



Last night's episode was pretty good, except they were eviscerating some ugly old guy. When do we get the fit naked girl to dissect? I mean, the least they could have done was give him some underwear; they weren't even dissecting his groin. Well at least they were able to cover over his personal area with his ribcage, once they'd chiselled it off.



But I have to say something about this show: It's good for your self confidence. I close with a statement said by a total GENIUS GOD (yes, it was me)



"Eww, there's an old guy on this show. Ha ha, I have a bigger penis than him. And I'm still alive. So its 2-0 to me, really."



Use zombies for a practical joke; Get Dr Death to cut them open on national TV and laugh hysterically as they come alive and bite off his nose.

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