Am I the only one who's irritated by those road safety adverts? I hope I am. Then I'll be unique and amazing.
You know, those bloody "Think" adverts. Ooh, look at us, we're all postmodern and shocking. Ooh, look, it always goes silent after the car crash. Ooooh, look at us, we have blood. Scarrrrrry. Why do they always go for the shocking outlook? Its always the same, loud music, then KERUNCH (include meaty sounding crash), and then its always silent, to like 'emphasise' the 'terrible' nature of the event. Actually, the best bit of those adverts is the sound of the collision. It's always really great, like they actually ran over a baby making the advert. Or, like, threw a cow into a jet engine. Duuuuuuude that would rule.
And then, some irritating, grave sounding lady pops up and tells you to 'Think'. Ok, if I had to write a few of these adverts, here is how they would go:
Thomas's Advert A: Speeding:
Right, you have your guy driving his ultimately fast pimp mobile through the streets of London, at about 40 over the speed limit. Then, OH NO, an old lady steps into the road, and BLAM, we hit her. Bone crunching sounds - old people are brittle. There are about ten slow motion repeats from different angles, this time with comedy sound effects. And a laughter track Oh, did I mention that this is to the sountrack of the Three Stooges?
Then TEN POINTS flashes up on the screen in big red letters. The drunk dude (we'll call him Bob) cheers, then swerves across the road to catch a lollypop lady. FIFTY POINTS. Another little old lady, complete with zimmer frame. ONE HUNDRED POINTS. Then, finally, he goes through a playground full of teenagers. TEN THOUSAND POINTS.
Cut to: Bob's house, the next day. He's examining his car. It has a dent in it.
Bob: "Oh man, I dented my car!"
Stern Lady Voiceover: If you speed and hit pedestrians, you may damage your pimpmobile. Think. Install a bulldozer blade or a ram to your bonnet.
Thomas's Advert B: Drunk driving"
Ok, we see our hero (Bob, again) drinking vodka in a pub. He has, like a pint glass of it, with a long pink curly straw. He's also wearing cool biker glasses and a hawaian shirt.
Cut to: A bank. A robbery is taking place. The beautiful asian cashier (as we have to have racial equality in all adverts), called Fati, is giving money to a wicked looking man. This wicked looking man is white, with a long mustache. He sort of resembles a gay Adolf Hitler, but he's wearing more leather.
Cut to: Bob walks to his pimpmobile. He gets in and shakily drives off.
Cut to: Outside the bank. The wicked looking man gets onto his motorbike (no helmet, tut tut) and drives off. "So long suckers," he cries. BAM! He crashes into Bob's car, is thrown about 50 metres and collides with a lamp-post. He then explodes.
Cut to: Chief of Police awarding Bob with a medal for bravery. Bob being crowned King of England.
Stern Voiceover lady: Drink driving is not only fun, but also could also help catch dangerous criminals who might otherwise escape. Think. Have you drunk at least 40 units of alchohol before getting behind the driving seat?
Thomas's Advert C: Driving Tired:
Our handsome man, Bob, is driving along the motorway late at night. He checks his watch. He's late for work, cos he's such a jet-setting millionaire businessman. He slowly gets tireder and tireder. We see his eyelids get heavier.
Stern Voiceover Lady: Should you stop and have something to eat?
We see a Little Chef. Bob stops at it. He gets out of his car, and goes into the restaurant. A meteor falls from the sky and destroys the restaurant, leaving only a smoking crater.
Stern Voiceover Lady: No. Restaurants are dangerous places. Just keep driving. Turn the radio up a bit.
Then we see a Land-Rover zoom over the crater, playing rockin' rock n' roll music. You know, the guitar solo from Sweet Child of Mine. The driver is standing on the roof, air guitaring and driving with his feet. He has long flowing black hair. He's the manliest man alive. Who is he? He's Oli Gill, of course.
Voiceover lady: Oliver here has been driving for three straight weeks without stopping now, and does he look tired? No! That's cos he's a real man. Just keep driving, you pussies. Think.
Thomas's advert D: Stop, look, listen:
It's a road through the middle of the desert, just a strip of concrete with miles of barron wasteland on either side. Two cute looking kids (Cassie and Ogg) are waiting to cross the road.
Voiceover lady, or gay singing hedgehog: Stop, look, listen, kids!
One of them doesn't stop (Cassie), look, and listen, and just walks straight across. She is totally PULVERIZED by the world's fastest moving steamroller. Only a pale red streak is left on the road. Ogg looks a bit upset.
Ogg: "I should stop, look, and listen."
He stops, and looks on either side of the road, up and down, each time for about ten minutes. He listens intently.
Cut to: Eight hours later, and it's dark. Ogg is still stopping, looking, and listening.
Cut to: Three weeks later, and Oggis just a pile of rotting matter at the roadside. A cyote runs off with his arm.
Voiceover lady: This child spent too long stopping, looking and listening. Just run across and hope that the cars will stop. Nine times out of ten, it'll work. Think... are you wasting your time?
Thomas's Advert E: Thinking.
A blank screen.
Voiceover lady: Think. Think. Think think think. Think. Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think. Think! Think? THINK! Think. Think think think.
(To the tune of can't touch this, by MC Hammer) Think think think think, think think, think think, think think think think, think think, think think. Wikka wa. Think think think.
Are you thinking enough?
Think. Think some more.
Then some writing appears on this screen: 45 people were killed during the making of this advert. Are you thinking enough? Think. Think. Think think think think. Thank. You.
Ok, nuts to this.
Avoid zombie attacks altogether. Think. Always carry a spare pickaxe. Think. Are you thinking enough?
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