Why is everyone such a suckup?

Heres a quote from a recent msn conversation:

(Names have been changed and replaced with top secret nicknames to conserve privacy.

Spelling corrections have been made.)



Krissy: Does Mikey like Emmy?

The most sexy god in the world (me): Mikey likes enemas.

Krissy: Does he? Aww. He's cycling all the way to her house to give her a card.



At this point, I must refer to another converstion.



Emmy: AAAAAAWWWWWWWWW JOEY JST TEXTED ME!

Me: ...

Emmy: It says "Hey Emmy Happy Birthday, hope you have a good day. All the best, Joey."

Emmy: Thats very very very cute... He's such a poppet.



At this point, I headbutted the keyboard in irritation.



Why does everyone become such a bloody suckup as soon as girls are involved? And then I get grief for taking the piss out of them. Why does nobody cycle to my house to give me cards, or send me gay little text messages? With the exception of that one Joey sent me, which consisted purely of 'pom de pom pom doo da' etc. But he sent that to everyone, so it doesn't count.

So why don't I get sucked up to? And before you say it, Mike "cos we don't like you" is not the answer.



There's a very obvious reason why everyone is such creeps to girls, and not to me.

Five simple words:

I... DON'T... HAVE... A... VAGINA...

It's true. I checked.



Girls: Most of the time, the only reason that boys are over the top nice to you is because they want to have sex with you. Perhaps not consciously, but it's there, subconsciously. I know. I'm an educational psychologist. The Morrisby test told me, and the TEST NEVER LIES. It told Upton that he was going to be a midwife. Good.

Poof. You know what would be great? If OGG got midwife. Or farmer. Or a combination of the two, some sort of nurse who gives birth to Yorkshire farmers, complete with welly boots and piece of straw in mouth. Like the family in the Goode life. Is it just me, or was the woman who played Barbara totally fit in those days? I mean... PHWHOAR! Ogg should give birth to her. That would rule so hard. OK, back to rant.



I've forgotten whats going on, and cant be bothered to re-read. Yeah, well basically in 99% of cases, thats how it works. You all turn into slimy gits around girls. I know, because I can take the objective stance, being a journalist. Woah, Morrisby test does it again. Oggy, stop showing up at their school under the pretence of "it's a friendly visit". Just go there, french kiss Stevey, and ask her if she fancies a quickie in the toilets. Because it's really a less bullshitty version of what you're doing anyway.



Wow, this post is such bollocks. Even I'm not sure what the hell I'm talking about now.



Dude, I'm gonna get such beats for this post on Monday.



Zombies are untouched. Monday's Thomas killing implement: the angry lynch mob of women who are going to handbag me to death in the classroom.