The Seduction of Everyone...

By Oliver Gill.

Here is a brief review of Oliver Gill's seduction techniques, observed mostly by me. And Paul. And, technically, every male in whatever room he happens to be in. But not the females. I don't get it. Anyway, here we go:

(Oli, no offense)



1: The Watchtower

Oliver uses his height advantage to lean over the hapless female. He then leans on her shoulder, possibly putting a bit of weight on.

Gains: Attention, Bodily contact.



2: The Joker

Oliver leans right up close to the hapless female, grasps their shoulders, and mock shakes them, thrusting his face into theirs. I have seen him do this at least once. EDIT: I have also been informed of the old 'staring into the girl's eyes for as long as possible,' move, with the intention of prolonging eye contact. Sexy. And scary.

Gains: Attention, Bodily contact, Closeness



3: The Sleeping Lion

Basically, if Oliver is sitting next to a hapless female on a sofa, he will pretend to go to sleep and rest his huge shaggy head on the lap of the hapless female, possibly also groping a thigh in the process.

Gains: Bodily contact, Closeness, Gropingness



4: The Wise Mentor

Basically, a lot of innuendo over msn. Crap innuendo, at that. In my opinion, innuendo should only be used in the 'in YOUR endo,' sense, not actually seriously. However, Oliver has been noted to dot his msn talk with a lot of ;) winks, as well as making silly comments like 'I can warm you up if you like'. Discussions of his hairy chest have also been mentioned.

Gains: I'm not sure, but often enough of this can result in flashings over webcam, so I'll say 'personal knowledge'. And intimacy.



5: The Mirror

Basically, Oliver agrees with whatever the Hapless Female (all females are hapless around dear Oliver) says. This can be displayed with a lot of head nodding and over-enthusiastic laughing.

Gains: Attention, pleasing the female, ahem.



6: The Creeping Snake

Sitting/standing next to his hapless female, the hand slooooooooowly makes its way around the body, performing a groovy embrace. Possible groping of arse can also be noted, too. On a sofa, this can soon transform into a full-blown hug.

Gains: Close contact, Bodily contact, Intimacy



7: The Barley Nectar

Alchohol, basically. Always be carring a can/bottle of something. Share it around. Often, he uses an odd mauritian firewater with about a 90% alchohol. Hee hee, you devil you.

Gains: Getting the girl drunk can lead to intimacy etc. The rest of the possible gains.



8: The Trapeze Artist

This one is what makes Oli the total DEFINITION of manliness in my terms. Basically, for this technique, all is required is that you LEAP from one girl to another as soon as things start to look bad/his mission is accomplished. It's like a matter of seconds. I love this. Oli... YOU DUDE.



9: The Deadly Anaconda

8. I don't need to say any more. But the 8 always seems to do it.

Gains: Oh, everything.



10: The Wise Hunter

Generally, most of Oli's "Girlfriends" - using the term incredibly lightly. I could also use the word "Flings", "Ho's", "Bitches", "Ten minute wonders", "Loveys", "Prey" - have been (how do I say this?) kind of stupid. Now, no offense to the ones that I actually know (as I can't invite him anywhere without him getting off with most of the females) - but, in general, he prays on the slightly less involved of the IQ register. Not all of you. But I do remember the girl he took to my birthday party, who fell into a coma on my sofa.

I rest my case.

Gains: Everything. Again. Its who you pick.



This should be compulsulary reading for any girl who's likely to meet Oliver at any point.



Once again, Oliver. Please don't be insulted. Actually, you won't. You dude. But still, your seduction techniques are about as subtle as a baseball bat. Covered in cement. Being wielded by a seventy foot high monkey. To a brass band. In America. But they still work! There can only be two explanations for this:



1: Oliver is a much smooooooooooooother operator than these simple moves would suggest.

2: Females are a lot more stupid than previously anticipated.



Damn you, you bimbos.





This hour's zombie killin' device: A huge black sausage. Wink wink. Was that too obvious? I don't care.