Not cucumber. Cucumber can go to hell. Green bastard.
The film, I mean. That's great.
Overall, though, this film was cool. Cooler than a cucumber. I love it.
Where is my panadol?
At this point most people will have given up trying to decipher this. Please keep reading. It gives the same impression that watching this film does... a headache.
Ok, so overall, Slinkys = not cool.
Whatever happened to Slinkys? They were so cool. Except when they got tangled up. Then they were just cunts. FUCKING TANGLED UP SLINKYS. I hate them.
Ok, Ok Ok. Enough about that. The smart thing about this film is that it's told backwards. Yes, you heard me. BACKWARDS. Its very clever/confusing. You basically find out that what you were thinking for the past 40 minutes is utter bollocks about halfway through. Its VERY VERY twisty turny. In fact, its twistier than a slinky.
I was like, "where's Madonna?" Then I realised that I hate Madonna. Do you know what she's gone and done? She bought Guy like a £190,0000000000000000 ring to 'celebrate their wedding'. It was four years ago, you pastry! Why don't you donate it to the Tsunami relief fund? Really, some people.
Seeing Margaret Thatcher run around, kickin asses and shootin' people, though... that would be good. Dude. Anyway, I meant Madonna. Just so you know that. Unfortuntately, neither of them were in it.
Madonna, I mean. Not Magaret Thatcher.
The main guy is played by a very nice guy called Guy Pierce. Woah, that's a lot of guy's. Notice, that's Guy Pierce. Not Guy Ritchie. I got those two mixed up for a second there, too. I thought that perhaps him and Madge had come into the film together.
Christ. I'm talking utter bollocks. Anyway... back to the film.
Pretty Woman is on now. I wouldn't mind feeding Julia Robert to crocs. Or electroprobing her. Wait, in this film she plays a prostitute. How come she doesn't have an STI? That would wipe the smile off her face, eh? A bit of the old genital leprosy.
What was I talking about? I have lost track.
Jackass. Class film. Especially when that guy is being electro-probed. And that other guy is being fed to the crocodiles.
I'd have one that said 'Mother' or perhaps a huge skull. On my arse. No, who am I kidding? I'd just have a picture of myself grinning and giving a thumbs up on my back, with the words "YEAH MAN, I ROCK" underneath in a jaunty font. Kind of like Jackass.
Yeah, and he's, like, trying to find his wife's killer and shit. He's using all these cool tatoos on his body as clues. Its all spiffing smart. I wish that I had a tatoo.
Hahahhaa, funny joke, eh?
Oh yes, Memento. Well basically, it's the tale of this fellow (I won't say retard) who has short term memory loss, or something. I can't remember.
What the hell am I talking about?
That reminds me... where did Santa teach his elves to make DVDs? I mean, its a bit silly. Do they engrave them with their little wood-grinders? Or do they, like, act out the films themselves. Memento, a dark chilling psychological thriller... with elves! Hmm. I guess that wouldn't work with Fight Club, would it? Elves beating each other to death. Hmm.
Today, I plugged in the DVD player and watched one of the presents that Santa gave me: Memento.
By Thomas Phipps
My Backwards Review of Memento
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